Please Read If You Happen to Work For The Devil

First, let's establish that I am writing this list for no reason whatsoever.  Well, except to warn people that you should not (I repeat - do NOT) say any of these things to your employer. 

So it’s kind of, sort of a totally random public service announcement…

Things that you can’t say to your boss or you will get SUPER fired:

1. "How was Mr./Mrs. Satan this morning, when you left home?"

2. "Did they have career counseling at your college or university?"

3. Frantically run into his/her office in the morning and shout, "I changed my mind! You didn't drink your coffee yet, did you?!"
4. "You probably don't get, 'Be yourself!' a lot, do you?"

5.

6. "Would it upset you to know that I have garlic cloves, a wooden stake, and a hand mirror behind my back?"

7. "How do you fit all of those snakes under your wig!?"

8. "Have you been drinking before work again?"

9. "I thought of you while I was unclogging my toilet the other day."

10.

11. "I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but I'm betting it's hard to pronounce."

12. "Everyone is good at something! I'm sorry you're 'thing' is making people miserable."

13. "I suppose if you just keep talking, eventually something intelligent will come out."

14. "Can I share a thought with you, or would you have any where to put it?"

15.

16. "I've noticed that your reality and mine seem to keep missing each other..."

17. "If  you haven't had the time, I can run to the drugstore for you and pick up refills of any meds that you may have recently stopped taking..."

18. "I hope you enjoyed your business trip!  The rest of us did!"

19. "I'm not sure why I seem to be learning more from your mistakes than you do..."

20.

♥M

I Told You So

 

 

I did the usual, "What do I want to write about tonight...hmmmm...?" and then decided to give up and give in to the personal rant in my head.  I might as well get it out so I can clear my mind.  I just had such an interesting experience today, that it's still bouncing around in there.

Have you ever had someone tell you, "I know you're right and the other person is wrong, but since they are upset, you just need to agree to make them feel better."  That's a summary of a super awesome 30 minutes of my life that I won't get back from today.

Here's the thing - I almost said, "Ok."  Then something happened...and I have a pretty good hunch what it was.  It's this damn blog.  I told you in my very first post that the freedom of speech afforded to me by writing on the world wide web could go to my head and things could get crazy.  "No, it'll be great!" they said.  "Start a blog!" they said. 

NOT that I was inclined to hide my feelings before I started the blog, but I have lost juuuuust a little bit more of my ability to remember that there is no backspace when you're talking out loud to an actual person.  Oh, yeah. Whoops.

So I did not say, "Ok."  Instead I expressed my condolences that the person was "highly upset" with me, but that I felt it fair to share that I myself was "highly upset" at being expected to fold over and accept blame for something that I hadn't done.  Furthermore, I cited a dozen AWESOME things that I had done for this person without anyone noticing THOSE things - so if we were going to say that I had screwed something up - when I DIDN'T - then let's make sure we paint the whole picture.  I get no pleasure out of anyone else being upset, but MAN, am I sick of there being no consideration given to the fact that I have feelings too.

Should I have just said, "Ok?"  Maybe....but sometimes you have to remind people (and yourself) that being easygoing and laid-back is not the same thing as being a doormat.  Just because I can get along with anyone doesn't mean that I won't push back.

 

All done.  Thanks for listening! ;)

♥M

Awkward Anonymous

They have a support group for everything these days. I'm not knocking that, I'm just disappointed that a certain group seems to have been overlooked - awkward people.  I say that as a potential member.

"Hi, my name is M and I'm an awkward person." What a sense of relief that would bring - to announce it straightaway upon meeting a new group of people!  It would save me all of the trouble of demonstrating it.

I'm not selectively awkward, either. I display my social disabilities without discrimination of time or place.

Weddings:
I've been the matron of honor three times in the past few years...and I can only imagine that's because none of them had been to the previous weddings and didn't know any better than to ask me.  I ruin photos (not a single photogenic muscle in my face).  I suck at paying attention during rehearsal.  And the part that should exclude me from consideration for the role altogether: you give a speech...with a microphone. These people knew me...well...and gave me a microphone anyway.  You take it to that level, and I can only be but so responsible for what happens from there.

Funerals:
I am not just awkward at funerals - I'm inappropriate.  Death and seriousness and crying....it makes me act out. I can't handle the intensity of sadness and so I make jokes.  I cope by talking about anything other than what's right in front of us.  It's not all my fault - I have this superpower where I literally absorb and feel other people's emotions (empathy times infinity), so funerals send me into a manic mode of distraction. Most awkward thing that I've ever done at a funeral: I asked the person next to me if they had any tissues (the eulogy did me in)....

"No, sorry, I don't have any."
"Crap. I'm crying like a baby here. Would it be weird if I just used a Kotex? I have some of those in my purse..."

And the woman laughed. During the eulogy.  I just made someone laugh during a eulogy. Oh my God, why am I allowed out of my house?!

Compliments:
These are always guaranteed to bring the awkward right out, front and center.  Tell me I look pretty and I'll point out the zit on my chin. Tell me my hair is nice and I'll tell you about my split ends.  Admire my outfit and I'll deflect by telling you I got it on clearance and there's a pick in the sleeve.  Compliment my work, parenting skills, creativity, loyalty....ANYTHING...and I will immediately correct you with a recent example of a screw-up.

I'm pretty sure the proper response is "Thank you" in all of those situations.   I've tried it out for size, but it just sounds so..."I know I am, duh." that it won't quite roll of my tongue. Or if it does, the deflection is on it's heels.

I did come up with ONE coping mechanism.  Complete and utter feigned arrogance. This will deflect the compliments themselves,  thus solving the awkward problem.  New problem - now you're a jerk.

And I say again...we need a support group.  Awkward people of the world, unite!

♥M

For the LOVE of Snow Days...You Made Me Get Real

I kept it light last night with my snow day rant. (For the Love of Snow Days)  Then, we got another snow day. Then, people lost it. Then, I got mad. I tried writing about other stuff tonight, but I've given up and decided to just let the sequel to last night's rant flow.
The level of ignorance people display openly on social media can make us all shake our head from time to time.  The past two weeks, however, I've actually had my jaw drop a few times.  I make a point to never purport knowing how someone else should or shouldn't carry on their professional duties in a job that I have no training or experience in.  As it turns out, though - the world abounds in education experts.  Shocking.

Despite how many people seem to know everything already, I thought I'd attempt to shed some light on things that seem to have caused confusion.

1. The tax payers are NOT being cheated out of my services due to snow.  I won't bore you with the details of my contract, but my work gets done with or without a snow day.  The students are also meeting their required number of HOURS of educational instruction per school year, regardless of a few extra days off. Rest assured, I shall still earn my salary this year despite the weather. IF, however, you are interested in paying me overtime for all of the EXTRA hours I'll work, I'm all ears.

2. I sincerely apologize that you feel slighted by my NOT working, while you ARE.  I get the temptation to declare "No fair!" when you see all the teachers posting about snow cream and drinking coffee in their pajamas as you toil away at whatever it is that you do.  I get it, man. I do. But in case you were wondering what *I* don't think is fair...

          A) School buses being on the road when there's any chance of them wrecking, thus endangering the lives of YOUR children.  In case you've been misled, we do NOT have Hollywood stunt drivers for those things.  We have regular people, like you and me, who are not black-ice proof.

          B) Children being expected to stand in the snow and wait for the bus in 2° temperatures.  We live in the South, people. Some of these kids don't own (and can't afford) anything thicker than fleece. Some of them don't have parents getting them ready in the morning and telling them to wear layers. Don't go all vigilante on me here, I'm just telling you what is.

          C) At the risk of going off topic - this is where I'm going to offer you a suggestion of what you SHOULD be mad about and say "No fair!" to.  How about all of the students being required to perform at the same level academically and achieve success at the same pace, regardless of ability level (or disabilities)?  See - THAT'S not fair. Now, let your indignation be of actual use and go campaign about that.

3. This is my favorite: "If teachers have the gall to hope for a snow day, then they obviously don't want to do their job, and therefore don't care about their students."  Do I really even need to justify this with a rebuttal?  No. Am I going to rip it to shreds anyway? Yes... Any HINT that I don't genuinely love my students makes me see red. I refuse to list all of the things I do and sacrifice for them, because I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.  I would not have gone to college, taken umpteen expensive tests for my license, maintain said license, and keep showing up every year if I didn't love teaching and my students.  I'm sure as hell not walking into that classroom and fighting the good fight every day for MY benefit.  

******

Well, snow grinches...I hope you're happy.  You pushed my restraint and made me get sassy.  The nerve.

♥M

My Day By Q&A

I answer questions all day long.  I defy the person that said there is no such thing as a dumb one.  This is my effort to simulate a typical day.....just by the questions that I am forced to answer.

Morning:
Kid: Can I eat Doritos for breakfast?
Husband: Did you wash my work clothes?
Kid: Can I eat a Blow Pop for breakfast?
Husband: Are these Kid #1's socks or Kid #2's socks?
Husband: Which shoes am I supposed to put on the kids?
Husband: Where is my wallet?
Husband: Do you know where I put that piece of paper that was in my pocket 3 days ago?
Kid: Can I eat Jello for breakfast?
Kid: Can I wear your lipgloss?
Kid: Can I wear your necklace?
Kid: Can you fix my hair like yours?
Kid: Why do I have to wear this shirt?!
Husband: Do you mind if I work late today?
Kid: Can you paint my nails...right now?
Husband: Where did you put my car keys, that you would have no reason to ever put anywhere if I didn't leave them in the middle of the kitchen table every day when you're setting the table for dinner?
Kid: Can you get the cat out from under my bed?

Co-Worker: Why are you late?
Boss: Did you finish the 30 different pages of paperwork that are due tomorrow, that were given to you yesterday?
Student: Can I call my mom to bring my bookbag to school?
Student: What were we supposed to do for homework again?
Boss: Can you come by my office during the time that you would have gotten to work on that paperwork?
Student: Do you know where my morning work is that was on my desk 5 minutes ago?
Student: We had a project due today?!
Parent: Can you change this grade for no apparent reason other than I'm asking you to?
Parent: Can you excuse my child from homework for football/baseball/soccer/dance/a hangnail?
Secretary: Why isn't your attendance done yet?!

Afternoon:
Boss: Are your lesson plans on your desk?
Boss: Are your report cards ready for printing?
Boss: Are you keeping your doc logs up to date?
Student: Can I go to the nurse for the 6th time today?
Student: I don't understand this test - did we even learn this?!
Student: What time is recess?
Co-Worker: Why do you look tired?
Secretary: Did you know you have 3 meetings tomorrow?
Co-Worker: Did you know we have to stay after school today for a meeting?
Friend: Are you coming to the gym?
Husband: What time will you be done at the gym?
Babysitter: Has Daire ever bitten anyone before?

Night:
Husband: What's for dinner?
Kids: What's for dinner?
Kid: Why can't I dump spaghetti in the floor?!
Kid: Why do I have a blue cup and not a yellow cup?!
Husband: Are you going to give the kids a bath?
Kids: Why do we have to take a bath?
Kids: Why are we not allowed to dump an entire bottle of bubble bath into the tub?
Kid: Why would you be mad that we scooped half the water out of the tub and into the floor?!
Kids: Why do we have to go to bed?
Kids: Why can't we get out of the bed 36 times and play after you tuck us in?
Husband: Did you remember to pay all the bills online?
Husband: This facewash says "morning fresh," can I use it at night?
Husband: How do you feel about us moving to Alaska?
Husband: Do you think I should cut my hair?
Husband: Do you want to watch Discovery channel with me, even though I know you despise every show on this channel?
Husband: Did you go to the grocery store today?
Husband: WHAT did you buy at the grocery store today?!
Husband: Do you think we should build an underground bunker?
Husband: Where is my flashdrive that I keep somewhere different every week, and you never touch?
Husband: Did you pay the babysitter last week?
Husband: Are you waking me up when you get up to run in the morning?
Husband: Do you want to know how they make cardboard boxes?
Husband: Where is my favorite T-shirt that I wear every other day, and is always either in my drawer or the dirty laundry?
Husband: Are you done typing your blog yet?!


Happy Monday! 

♥M