What makes a person toxic? Not enough hugs as a child? A missing chemical in their brain? An intolerance for life's stress?
I have no idea.
There are signs that a person is a toxic force in your life, however.
1. They are rarely grateful. The words "Thank you" are rarely passed through their lips. In their mind, anything you have done for them is something that they "deserved" anyway. So why be grateful?
2. They have a distorted concept of "truth." A toxic person usually has a different "version" of most anything that has happened. They also tend to hear the same thing you did, but interpret it in an entirely different way - resulting in them having a whole different "truth" to yours.
3. They can never tell you what they want. You will never be able to satisfy a toxic person, because you will never truly know what it is that they want. Why? Because THEY don't even know. As soon as you think you understand what will make them happy, they decide that's not enough, or is the wrong thing.
4. They have no sense of empathy for strangers. They see a person who looks "needy" and is disgusted by them without wondering how they got that way. They see a child acting badly and scorn their parents without considering their personal situation. They hear a story on the news about a tragedy in someone else's life and assume it was their fault.
5. They rarely confront people, but will always tell you how they feel ABOUT that person...behind their back. They may go as far as giving someone the cold shoulder or even cutting off communication altogether. But explain why, or bother to talk to the person about what they even got upset about to begin with? Forget it.
6. They are completely ignorant to anything happening in anyone else's life. Someone got engaged? Has been sick? Announced they're pregnant? Lost a family member? Got a promotion? Lost their job? Bought a new house? Well...even if they did know about it...they don't care.
7. They don't fight fair. If they do end up in a confrontation with you, please don't expect a toxic person to keep their blows above the belt. They will rely on any and every hurtful thing they can conjure up to inflict pain. It doesn't have to be valid or even true - they will use it to hurt you.
8. They have zero ambition. They are satisfied with believing that life sucks and will never get any better. They are content with being Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and are annoyed with you for ever suggesting that their is a silver lining in any situation.
9. Their life is nothing but a series of misfortunes. They cannot possibly be expected to feel happy for anyone else, or pity anyone else's misfortunes, because they have so many of their own.
10. They are vindictive. Reality never actually comes into play here - they only have to believe in their head that you have wronged them. Any punches that can be pulled to "get back" at you will be pulled.
If you are seeking some type of advice or words of wisdom about changing this kind of person - STOP! The only person's behavior that you can change is your own.
This may mean removing yourself from the relationship. This may mean seeking professional help. This may mean staying in the relationship, but learning how to keep an "emotional distance" from that person. Whatever your course of action - do not think that you are going to change them, or that it is even your responsibility to do so.
The only way to maintain your sanity and preserve your life's energy: avoid them, set boundaries, get over your guilt, and do not defend yourself.
"Don't defend myself?!"
No. Don't do it.
There are two reasons for that. 1) You don't owe them an explanation for what they perceive as your shortcomings. 2) You are wasting your breath because their reality is different from yours anyway.
This will go against your very nature - it does mine! I personally feel the need to explain myself to any and every person that may be dissatisfied with me. I have this human need to be understood and liked by all people. Toxic people do not deserve your explanations, however. They will not understand your reasons. They will not accept your logic.
So go against your inner grain. Shut the door on the toxic forces in your life. Celebrate your successes, relish in your blessings, and be happy with what you have and who you love. Do not allow the poison that is a toxic person to take away from what you have and the love you have to offer.
Be happy. And make no excuses for it.
"People inspire you, or they drain you - pick them wisely." - Hans Hansen
♥M
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