THE Meltdown

Before you read - If you haven't already, reading the following posts will help make a lot more sense out of this one :)

Love...With or Without the Memories

The Greatest Love Story of [All] Time

Happy Valentine's Day!

A Day to Remember

 

*THE Meltdown*

So I finally had the inevitable tear-fest about my grandparents.  I knew I would get around to having a good cry about everything eventually, and I could feel it coming for a few days before it hit.  I had been cleaning the house like a maniac all week, and while I was ever so vigorously scrubbing the shower the other night, I broke a tile loose.  (Whoops!)  From there, I just pretty much immediately turned into a hot mess.  I cried and cleaned for another hour before I just sat in the the kitchen and sobbed dramatically all over the "was-clean" kitchen table.  The hubs knows better than to get involved when I build myself up to one of these doosies, so he just kept to the safety of the living room.  I was wearing one of his sweatshirts though, so he did request that when I was done snotting all over it, to please put it in the laundry room and not hang it back up.

After I finished crying and blowing my nose (on his sweatshirt, of course, HA!) I decided I needed to drag other people into my meltdown.  (Good grief, M.)  I did this by texting my immediate family and a few close friends and telling them that in light of everything going on and how crazy things had been lately, I felt the need to let them know I loved them and that they were important to me.  I did this for three reasons: 1) Because we don't really tell people how we feel about them very often. 2) Because it terrifies me that one day I might not be ABLE to tell people that I love them because I won't remember who they are. And 3) Because I was in a highly emotional state and didn't really think the whole thing through.

I'm not saying it was a bad idea, just that it might not have been a totally good one.  For starters, I really freaked a few people the hell out.  Not everyone is as "Hey World! This is how I feel!" as I am.  I sensed that those people were more annoyed and/or made to feel awkward by my declaration than anything.  Still, everyone but one said, "I love you, too."

Almost half of them, however, were alarmed that something was wrong.  Like that I was dying or something...I'm not sure.  (Possibly, because I am rarely very serious...)  This told me that maybe I need to "push pause" for the people that are important to me more often - SHOW them they are important,  not just TELL them.  Then they won't think I have a fatal disease when I tell them. 

What stops me from calling it a bad idea, though, is that a few of the messages I got back were things like "I had a really bad day and needed that!"  This reminded me that it's important to BE that positive boost, that pep talk, or that much-needed hug when our loved ones need it.  It's not hard to be there for people if we just SLOW DOWN and notice when they need us.  If I hadn't sent that message, then I never would've known my friend was having a rough time at work, or that my brother was feeling that same way I am about things. 

What started out as me being crazy upset and needing to reassure MYSELF that others knew I loved them, turned into a lot of little lessons about how I can do better at BEING a loved one.  My "loved ones" might be important to me, but that doesn't really mean much if I don't ACT like it...calling them that in my head, through a text, or on Facebook is just NOT enough.

So here's to slowing down!  Here's to letting the world rush by and just waving as it passes! 

(Disclaimer: This will NOT be an overnight process for me.)

♥M

To All My Friends! (God Help You.)

I've been thinking a lot this weekend about friends... specifically, that I have really good ones.  More specifically, that I'm not always a great one.

I try.  I really do.  For some reason, I have been blessed with friends in my life that remember birthdays, anniversaries, and even if I mentioned having a doctor's appointment.  I suck at remembering my own birthday, anniversary, AND doctor's appointments.

You will tell me repeatedly when and where you are going on vacation and I will still call you that week and ask if you want to go to the gym or out to dinner because I have no idea where you are. I will probably forget to tell you when I leave for vacation and you will likely not know where I am because every time you asked me when I was going away I said, "I dunno...it's written down somewhere..."

I forget to answer texts, return phone calls, and always R.S.V.P. to things a week after the date on the card.  If you e-mail me and don't get an answer in 5 minutes, then it'll probably be 2 days before it happens.  If you tell me something and DIDN'T see me write it on my hand or put it in my phone, then expect to have to tell me again.

 I periodically scroll through my texts and find a bunch of "drafts" where I started to respond to people that had text me but didn't finish or hit send.  They never got answered and now that person thinks I have ignored them. Crap.

If I don't call you on your birthday, then please know I thought about you AND about calling you at least a dozen times that day....but became immediately distracted each time.  I will probably text you at 11pm and try to play it off.

Unfortunately, the thought doesn't always count. Right now there are two cards sitting on my kitchen counter - a thank you card and a sympathy card. They have post-its on them with the addresses of the people I got them for. It would take less than 5 minutes to mail them. They have been there for a month. The thought does NOT count because neither of those people know that I bought them cards. Epic fail.

Despite what all of this suggests, I am actually NOT totally disorganized.  I am just constantly distracted.  And I am not distracted because I don't care.  Quite the opposite.  I am distracted because I care SO MUCH, that I try to do it all and BE it all.  I try to be the perfect mom, wife, big sister, cousin, niece, grand-daughter, aunt, sister-in-law, teacher, co-worker, church member, sorority member, committee member....and friend.  I spread myself so thin that I end up neglecting everyone.  Except my kids.  They're the loudest, so they always get my attention first.

And yet, if you are my friend, know this:  I love you.  I will be honest with you (sorry about that).  I will FIGHT for you.  I will protect you.  I will give you anything you need - even as literal as the shirt off of my back (or my bra - I gave a friend my bra one time....it's a long story).  I will stop what I'm doing to help you.  I will come over and cook or clean for you if you can't.  I will babysit your kids, no questions asked.  (I will not get distracted and forget they're here, promise.) 

I might forget to call you on your birthday.  I might say something overly honest and offend you.  I might embarrass you in public.  (Don't worry - I embarrass myself too.)  You might have to convince me that you DON'T need me to put on war paint if someone does you wrong. 

Just know, however, that my heart is in the right place...and I AM trying. 

So to all my friends - love y'all!  (Poor souls.)

♥M

Not a Nutritionist

 

There is one Mommy War that I will never be able to participate in.  I will not win, and refuse to even compete in, the "Food Battle."  It's not that I'm a sore loser, I just have a lot of things to choose from when it comes to stressing out....and this is not one of them.

I just think I would be much more likely to invest the resources necessary for eating the "perfect food" if:
A) I didn't have a job, or anything else to distract me from the constant necessary research into which foods are going to kill me or are the most humane...this week (it changes fairly often).
B) I had a six figure budget to spend on the outrageously priced items necessary to eat as "hip" as all the other hippies.
C) My kids were never, ever going to be exposed anywhere at anytime to foods other than the ones I allowed them to eat.

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally pro-healthy food.  My kids eat fruits, veggies, nuts, cheeses, yogurt, whole grains, etc.  I'm not feeding them twinkies for breakfast or anything - I just try to encourage "healthy eating" without being a total buzzkill at birthday parties.

With that said - Have I let them eat popcorn for breakfast before?  Yes, I will admit to that.  In my defense, it was one of those mornings where they had taken turns waking each other up all night, it was just me and the girls the next morning, we were all super exhausted and kinda weepy...so yeah, I was only half conscious and totally handed over the oh-so politely requested popcorn (i.e. it was screamed at me).  I knew even in my weary, bloodshot state that there would be 101 more things to fight about that day (before nap time); and with that knowledge, I could totally live with popcorn for breakfast.

If you don't have children yet, please let me warn you now - every lunch you pack,  every meal you cook, and every trip to the grocery store will be prime fodder for a "Food Battle" with some hipster who lives and breathes judging other people's diets. 

Think you're doing good for packing fruits and veggies in the lunch?  WRONG! Is it local produce?  Is it "certified organic?"  Was it grown on a "pesticide free" farm?  Did the farmer test the irrigation water for safety?!

Ok, so dairy is good for you, right?  Some low fat yogurt, 2% cheese, milk....WRONG!  Milk is a deadly poison that contains growth hormones, fat, cholesterol, allergenic proteins, antibiotics, bacteria and viruses.  (I actually read that somewhere, as much as I would like to claim the neurotic statement...)

Well, everyone needs meat.  I'll just make sure I get the "lean" kind...right?  WRONG!  Do you know where that meat came from?  Not what state - what farm?!  Was the animal grass-fed?  Was it free-range?  Was it organic grass-fed in an organic pasture?!  Otherwise you're eating parasites, germs, and hormones.  Idiot.

Don't suggest fish, please.  There is the sea lice infestation to consider, after all.  Omega-3s be damned!

Whole grain (or any grain) = death by lectins, gluten, and phytates.

Does your head hurt?  Yeah, so does mine...every time I am graced with a new one of these life-style threatening factoids.  And yet, knowing all of these things, I still allow my children to eat boxed macaroni and cheese and deli meat.  I hate that I aaaalmost feel bad about it...and then I don't. 

If they end up in jail for street racing or lose their college funds in an underground poker tournament, then I'll just blame the phytates and allergenic proteins.

♥M

Awkward Anonymous

They have a support group for everything these days. I'm not knocking that, I'm just disappointed that a certain group seems to have been overlooked - awkward people.  I say that as a potential member.

"Hi, my name is M and I'm an awkward person." What a sense of relief that would bring - to announce it straightaway upon meeting a new group of people!  It would save me all of the trouble of demonstrating it.

I'm not selectively awkward, either. I display my social disabilities without discrimination of time or place.

Weddings:
I've been the matron of honor three times in the past few years...and I can only imagine that's because none of them had been to the previous weddings and didn't know any better than to ask me.  I ruin photos (not a single photogenic muscle in my face).  I suck at paying attention during rehearsal.  And the part that should exclude me from consideration for the role altogether: you give a speech...with a microphone. These people knew me...well...and gave me a microphone anyway.  You take it to that level, and I can only be but so responsible for what happens from there.

Funerals:
I am not just awkward at funerals - I'm inappropriate.  Death and seriousness and crying....it makes me act out. I can't handle the intensity of sadness and so I make jokes.  I cope by talking about anything other than what's right in front of us.  It's not all my fault - I have this superpower where I literally absorb and feel other people's emotions (empathy times infinity), so funerals send me into a manic mode of distraction. Most awkward thing that I've ever done at a funeral: I asked the person next to me if they had any tissues (the eulogy did me in)....

"No, sorry, I don't have any."
"Crap. I'm crying like a baby here. Would it be weird if I just used a Kotex? I have some of those in my purse..."

And the woman laughed. During the eulogy.  I just made someone laugh during a eulogy. Oh my God, why am I allowed out of my house?!

Compliments:
These are always guaranteed to bring the awkward right out, front and center.  Tell me I look pretty and I'll point out the zit on my chin. Tell me my hair is nice and I'll tell you about my split ends.  Admire my outfit and I'll deflect by telling you I got it on clearance and there's a pick in the sleeve.  Compliment my work, parenting skills, creativity, loyalty....ANYTHING...and I will immediately correct you with a recent example of a screw-up.

I'm pretty sure the proper response is "Thank you" in all of those situations.   I've tried it out for size, but it just sounds so..."I know I am, duh." that it won't quite roll of my tongue. Or if it does, the deflection is on it's heels.

I did come up with ONE coping mechanism.  Complete and utter feigned arrogance. This will deflect the compliments themselves,  thus solving the awkward problem.  New problem - now you're a jerk.

And I say again...we need a support group.  Awkward people of the world, unite!

♥M

Never Say Never

Have you ever started a sentence with, "My child will NEVER (fill in pre-conceived notion of what would qualify as abhorrent here)?"

What no one tells you is, just by saying such a thing, you have pretty much cursed yourself with exactly that.  The moment such utterances escape your lips, you are doomed. I call it the "Judgey-McJudgerson Curse."  Why? Well, because the reason you said it is that you just saw it happen!  And what did you do? You judged. (Gasp! The shame! I would never do such a thing! Oh, wait...I have.)

Great job. Now YOUR beloved offspring will be the one knocking crap off of the shelves in the store, back-talking you in front of your friends, refusing to say "please" when requesting something, biting another kid at daycare, getting hurt doing something dangerous that didn't SEEM dangerous until they got hurt... Tsk tsk. And it's all your fault.

Or is it? Could it be that kids are just genetically designed to push our buttons? To wreck havoc on our patience until we lash out with some ridiculous ultimatum or consequence?  Or do they teach us that maybe we DON'T know everything about everything and CAN'T predict how we'll react in a given situation...until we get there?  Do they make us pause and think, "Maybe that kid's mom is just as embarrassed as I would be if my kid did that...?"

Nah. They eat cheerios out of the couch cushions and get their heads stuck between banisters.  THEY couldn't possibly teach US anything...

Right? 

♥M

Teacher...or Celebrity?

Reasons Teachers are like Celebrities (minus the pay):

1.  No one actually believes we have a personal life.
          Celebrities are often referred to and judged by the roles that they play, rather than by their actual names or personalities.  Similarly, teachers are expected to remain in their classroom "role" 24/7.  I have had students who thought that I lived in my classroom - which is cute.  Sadly, some parents seem to think the same thing as well - which is not cute.  I have to grocery shop, take my daughter to dance, attend church, and feed my cat too.  I may FEEL like I live in my classroom sometimes, but I assure you, I do not.

2.  We are the keepers of secrets.
          Ok, so our big secrets aren't as glamorous as the ones about who cheated on who and/or got liposuction, like in Star magazine.  But rest assured, your child's grades, cumulative folder contents, and IEP/504 goals are treated with way more confidentiality and discretion than that picture of Britney Spears getting out of her limo sans-undies was.  Also, you will be glad to know that we don't make announcements about the things that your kids come to school and tell us about you.  For example... Years ago, I told a kid to quit holding their breath or they would pass out.  They said, "Pass out? What's that?"  The child next to them pipes up, "Oh, that's what happens when you drink too much beer."  Yup.  THAT'S the kind of stuff your kid is saying at school.  Keep THAT in mind when talking about US, thanks.
 
3.  We guard our home address and cell phone number with a passion.
          Celebrities do not advertise where they live or pass out their phone number.  This is because they do not want uninvited guests or unsolicited phone calls.  There's really not much of a comparison to have to spell out here.

4.  We cannot go in public without being "sighted."
          Actors wear hoodies, hats, and sunglasses when out and about.  Your teacher probably does too.  My husband used to tell me I was paranoid, that no one cared what I was doing or where I was going.  500 stories later about having my activities recounted to me at school every other time I leave the house, and he is now a believer in my justified paranoia.  For example...  If I go to the mall, I hear a list of which stores I went in the next week.  If I go to the grocery store, I am regaled with a complete list of what was in my shopping cart within days.  If I go out to dinner with my friends, I fully expect someone to be able to recite to me what I had to eat (AND drink....which is why I usually stick to water).

5.  If we go off the grid, we will be tracked down.
          If you're a teacher and have ever taken a leave of absence for any reason (maternity leave, knee surgery, chemotherapy, bereavement, etc.), then you know this:  They will find you.  You will be tracked down like the celebrity you are and they will report back to world what they have learned.  I assume this is similar to what celebrities go through when they check into rehab.

6.  People decide what we are like, without ever meeting us.
          Much like we decide whether we "like" or "hate" a certain actor or actress, based for the most part on third-hand information - we do the SAME THING with teachers.  People routinely decide who is or isn't a "good" teacher....without having ever had any personal interaction with that teacher in any way.  I have heard parents complain about teachers they had never even met before! 

*If you're not a teacher, then you're probably feeling a little defensive right now.  Get over it.  We're all guilty, so just walk away having derived at least the following:

If you spend too much time worrying about what others think, say, and do, then you are leaving yourself very little time to actually BE the person that you want others to THINK that you are.

♥M