My Sensitive Child (a.k.a. "The Drama Queen")

We've jokingly called my oldest daughter "the drama queen" since she was a toddler.  The older she gets, however, the more I recognize her for what she is - a "highly sensitive" child. 

I first got turned on to this notion while reading some random parenting article.  I couldn't get over how spot-on the article was in relation to Jace and her behaviors.  I had previously recognized little things here and there - what worked when disciplining her, or what she responded to the best when presenting something new.  Somewhere along the way, a lot of my concepts and ideals of parenting changed to fit the kind of child she is, as opposed to what the perfect child was supposed to be in response to my "perfect" parenting skills (i.e. the defense techniques I had read in a book).

In Jace's case, she just needs a certain tone, a certain presentation of expectations, a clear cut definition of consequences (NOT threats) in order to respond positively.  This can be said about a lot of children, though.  What made things really "click" for me, made me really "buy into" all of this "highly sensitive" mumbo-jumbo, was a combination of many articles and my ever-efficient "M-research."  I'm sure I'm not alone in that I take paranoid journeys driven towards discovery when it comes to my children.

According to The Highly Sensitive Person (and their Parent Checklist) these are some of the qualities of a highly sensitive child:

-startles easily
-complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin
-doesn't usually enjoy big surprises
-learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment
-seems to read my mind
-uses big words for his/her age
-notices the slightest unusual odor
-has a clever sense of humor
-seems very intuitive
-is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
-doesn't do well with big changes
-wants to change clothes if wet or sandy
-asks lots of questions
-is a perfectionist
-notices the distress of others
-prefers quiet play
-asks deep, thought-provoking questions
-is very sensitive to pain
-is bothered by noisy places
-notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, etc.)
-considers if it is safe before climbing high
-performs best when strangers aren't present
-feels things deeply

Not all, but most of these apply to Jace.  That sent me looking me for more information, because God knows, I'm probably screwing this all up and traumatizing her daily with my horrendous parenting, right?  Thankfully, this was not the case.  I was actually reassured by a lot of what I read. 

Sensitive children respond better to requests and logic than to harsh discipline and raised voices (the latter will typically result in the exact behavior you are trying to avoid or correct.)  Luckily, I had picked up on this already with Jace, and usually try to present things in a way that's more of a "Hey, let's do this together..." kind of approach.  Doesn't ALWAYS work, but definitely gets better results than "Go do such and such RIGHT NOW!"

Sensitive children will start to "act out" (or as I say, "You're showing your tail!") when they become overly stimulated or tired.  I had noticed that when Jace has friends over, or when we are in a large social group, she can turn into a total monster.  The only way to adjust that is to remove her from the situation and calmly explain to her exactly what she is doing that's super crappy.  Time-out or yelling always just makes her lash back.  Explaining that a certain behavior or tone of voice makes her sound "mean" or "makes Mommy upset and disappointed" SEEMS to work better.  I have to be careful how I phrase everything, however; because any slight inclination that I'm shaming, embarrassing, or laughing at her makes her totally shut down and/or have a meltdown.  It's a seriously tricky tightrope that I walk with these "discipline talks" and it's straight up exhausting.  Sometimes I get it just right and feel like "Mom of the Universe," but I'm not going to lie....I've also been known to totally blow it...and she ends up crying on my shoulder...and I feel like crap for a mom.

Sensitive children need language to describe their feelings.  If they aren't able to understand or explain how they feel, then they will just lose it completely.  I'm not a hippie or anything, but "feeling" words are a big thing for me with my kids.  I want to make sure that they can not only describe how they feel, but that they understand it's ok to feel ANYTHING - what matters is how you ACT on it.  If they are angry about something (or at me), I try to teach them that it's ok to be mad, but there are acceptable ways to handle that emotion.  Go scream into your pillow, cool off by yourself, and when you're ready to tell me what's wrong, we can talk about it.  I try to avoid getting sucked into an argument or anyone yelling at each other.  That never seems to end well. 

Sensitive children are terrible with transitions.  Really and truly, though, most people are.  I decided a long time ago that if I were doing something that I thought was super important and someone said, "Hey stop that right now, and come with me," it would probably piss me off pretty badly.  So then I kind of understood why I was being met with resistance when I would say, "Ok, time to ____, come on!"  The solution was a forehead-slapping easy one.  All I had to do was say, "Ok, 5 more minutes and then we gotta go!"  And then there was no problem.  It's beautiful.  That was all it took.  Just a simple heads-up before transitioning. 

Sensitive children are very critical of themselves.  It's so important to filter yourself when you think that you are offering advice.  A lot of the time, no matter how well-intended your words are, they WILL be taken as criticism when spoken to a child who is highly sensitive.  The best way to avoid them running from the room crying, while you stand there scratching your head, trying to figure out what you said - start everything with a positive.  And I don't mean, "Great cartwheel, BUT you're supposed to keep your legs straight."  I mean, "Awesome, cartwheel!  Show me that way you do it with your legs straight!"  Don't get the difference?  They will.

Some of the best material I found was by a psychotherapist, Elaine N. Arnon, Ph.D. (The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them).  She wrote this about highly sensitive children:



"First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or 'just discovered.'  It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society--for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.

Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or 'hyper' sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on--creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others...

But, for all of that to blossom, they absolutely must be raised with understanding. Otherwise, as adults they are prone to depression, anxiety, and shyness."



Omg....no pressure.  If I screw this up, though, my kid will just be shy, depressed, and anxious forever.  Crap. 

The biggest piece of advice that I think I gleaned from all of my reading was this:  Parenting a sensitive child is not about changing them, it's about changing how you parent.  Do not force society's demands onto your child.  Your job is to nudge them into trying new things, without making them feel as if you won't be there or love them as much if they can't "be like other kids."

The bottom line:

Love them. 

Maybe I got this after all....

♥M

A Day to Remember

This morning, I picked my grandfather up from my aunt's house and we spent the day together. If I learned anything today, it was that the only thing we ever truly need to be afraid of in life is having to regret not stopping and making time to create more memories with the people that we love.

There were sweet moments:
He insisted on carrying any and everything for me - from the fundraiser donuts we picked up at my daughter's dance school, to the grocery bags we left Food Lion with.  He even took my friend's baby carrier to her car for her when she stopped by with her son to visit today.  He helped my oldest daughter ride her bike and listened patiently while my youngest explained the plot of Harry Potter to him in 2-year-old jargon.  He pushed both girls on the swing set and made the appropriate (expected) complimentary remarks when they put their princess dress-up clothes on.

There were rough moments:
I wasn't able to convince him to eat more than one chicken tender for lunch and one slice of pizza for dinner, even though I know he loves both of those things.  He was worried about my grandmother looking for him and not knowing where he was.  He got stressed out towards the end of the day about when and how he was getting home.  He wanted to drive himself, but was frustrated that his car wasn't at my house.  At one point he tried to explain something to me, but ended up crying because he couldn't figure out how to explain it.  I just hugged him, told him that I loved him, and said that the rest wasn't important.

There are some things, however, that he KNOWS for a fact, and can tell you with certainty how he feels about them.   Here are a few:

1. He could not be a teacher "these days" because we are no longer allowed to paddle the students.

2. My younger cousin is "full of bull."  Those are HIS words.

3. If one baseball team is losing so badly to the other team that they cannot possibly come back and win, you are wasting his time (and "the good money that he pays for the cable box") by not simply ending the game right then, and carrying on with life.

4. The movie theater will never be making any money off of him because he will not be paying $12.00 to see a film that he can buy at Wal-Mart.  FYI - it cost $0.12 when he was a kid.  This was also a little pricey at the time.

5. No matter what, he knows he loves my grandmother.  He will tell you every time that her name comes up, "I won the lottery when I met her."  Of all the things he forgot today, he knew he hadn't been to see her since yesterday and wanted to know when we were leaving for the hospital.

No matter what, I feel lucky that I will get to remember today, spending time with my grandfather, and watching him spend time with my children.  They won't remember that he didn't call them by name because he forgot what their names were; they will remember that he helped them ride their bikes and pushed them on the swing.  I will get to remember his smile when they call for him to "Watch this!" and the sound of their laughter when he teases them.

One of the things that we talked about today was why some people end up having Alzheimer's, and some people don't. There is no satisfactory answer to that question.  Different researchers have different opinions on the matter, but the only real truth is this - The only way to live your life is to know that you never know what's coming next, and therefore, should take nothing and no one for granted.

♥M

Emotionally Compartmentalizing

So I did some research on "emotional compartmentalization" tonight.  I was inspired by my extremely "off" day today, and being curious about how I might do a better job at this, I empowered myself through Google.  Some articles left me slightly confused about whether it's a good defense mechanism...or an alarming symptom of being a sociopath.  Yikes.

I think we all do it though.  When you're at work, you focus on who you are as an employee and what you need to accomplish during your time there that day - in that particular capacity.  When you leave your job, your focus shifts to whatever other role you are switching gears to.  For me it's usually straight to "mom mode."  When I am with my kids I am in their moment, and they are my focus.  (Kind of hard NOT to be, they're kind of demanding...)  There are so many other "gears" to switch between, though...so many other roles and responsibilities to keep lined up in a row.  Sometimes you forget which "gear" you're supposed to be in, or it's necessary to cross the wires and be in more than one at a time.  That's when my neatly arranged "compartments" get messy and require a lot of extra balancing.

This week, I've been extra foggy.  My grandmother is not doing well, and I'm not doing a very good job at figuring out how to fit that into my "acceptable emotions compartment."  Therefore, I am pretending like it's not happening.  I had a very candid conversation with her ICU nurse yesterday, and I appreciated all of her honesty when answering my extremely direct questions.  I'm just not yet ready to absorb her answers, however, so I will just tuck them away for examination at a later time.  Not today.  Probably not tomorrow. 

The problem with switching parts of your brain on and off is that the things you push back, with the intention of ignoring them, have a certain way of niggling their way up to the front anyway.  It might just show up in different ways than you'd think.  I've been extra spacey, extra forgetful, less engaged when having conversations...detached, I guess.

Which is what led me to believe that I needed some advice on doing a better job at "compartmentalizing."  Here's a summary of my "research."  I may have added some of my own advice, as well.  You know I can't help myself.

To Compartmentalize, Or Not To Compartmentalize?

1. It's ok to compartmentalize....as long as you're not like, schizo about it and have multiple families and/or identities (i.e. Bill Clinton, Batman...Ted Bundy).

2. Use compartmentalizing as a way of being in control of your psyche for the sake of productivity - NOT for the purpose of avoiding or separating from your feelings.  That latter one will turn you into one of those weirdos that starts screaming at the check-out girl for putting a can of corn in the same bag as your bananas.  No one wants that.

3. DO NOT multi-task.  (Whaaaaaaaat?!?!)  It only takes your focus away from whatever you are trying to immerse yourself in at that time, and it will NOT increase the number of tasks you check off of your to-do list - it will in fact, keep you from accomplishing as much in the long run.  I know...crazy, right?!

4. It's ok to tuck difficult, personal things away - IF YOU RETURN to them later and deal with them.  Again, let's not get all "rocking-in-the-corner-while-hugging-your-knees," Ok?

5. Do not waste valuable time obsessing over things that you have no control over.  If thinking about it isn't going to magically fix it, then DON'T.  Move on.  Go be distracted.  Unless credit card debt is one of the things you're trying not to think about, then I suggest retail-therapy.  You don't even have to buy anything.  Pretend you're shopping for a new recliner and read a book in the furniture store.  (Just be sure to switch chairs every 10 minutes or so, or they might get suspicious).

6. If you are compartmentalizing your life to the point that the thought of different areas merging frightens you, then you have gone too far.  If your co-workers and your family couldn't discuss you without feeling as if they were talking about two different people...then you have a problem.  Do you hide under tables, duck behind displays, or put a pair of sunglasses on if you are with people from one "part" of your life, and see people from another "part?"  Get some help, man.

7. Learn to say "NO."  If you are even bothering to compartmentalize your life, then you probably shouldn't be adding any extra commitments or taking on any additional huge responsibilities without cutting something else out.  Sometimes we are all narcissistic enough to think that we "have to" do something because if we don't, then it might not get done (i.e. might not get done OUR WAY).  The truth is, you aren't the only one out there with any particular skill set.  Sorry to break it to you, but there are probably people actually waiting for you to move over so they can have a turn. 

Now go, be merry, and compartmentalize away, my friends!  Just don't be a weirdo about it.

♥M

Not THAT Kind of Dance Mom

My oldest daughter is in her third year of dance and for the most part it's all been a very pleasant experience.  She's always enjoyed it and I've never had to "make" her be an active participant.  There have been moments here and there where I panicked that I was being one of thooooose "dance moms" and pressuring her...like when she didn't want to hold still for me to put her hair up at recital time, or she cried about putting tights on with her leotard.  I feel guilty about those things until she gets to class or goes on stage and I see that big smile and watch how much she enjoys it all.

Tonight was a totally different story.  I don't know if she didn't have a nap, has preschooler PMS, or just had a bad day, but the kid was a mess at class.  She was 100% fine on the way there, willingly bounced into class, then it all just went to hell.  I heard crying and thought "That SOUNDS like Jace, but it can't be...she never cries about dance."  Oh, but it was.  When I went into her classroom she was standing there crying like her heart was broken.  So naturally, mine broke.

Apparently, she was having a meltdown over being in the front row of the routine they were practicing.  Um, what?  I stood there for a few minutes, desperately doing "please stop" hand signals, but that didn't work (shocking, I know).  I waited a few more minutes then tiptoed across the back of the class and squatted down in front of her.  "What's wrong, baby?"  I got zero as far as coherent responses go.  I hugged her for a few minutes...no good.  I took her to the bathroom and cleaned her face and got her to calm down.  She still couldn't tell me what was wrong.

What to do?!  I don't know what's wrong, so I can't fix it.  She wants to go home, but I don't know what the right thing to do is!  I don't want to let her think that throwing a fit gets mom to swoop in and take over!  But I don't want her to cry either!  Uggggh!

I tried a firm approach.  "You have to go back to class. Ballet is over and it's time for Tap.  Your class needs you in there because you're starting recital routines tonight.  If you walk out and quit that's not fair to your friends.  You can't just quit things because you're having a bad time.  We're not leaving."  More tears.  I left her in class thinking she'd dry it up in a few minutes....then paced back and forth outside the classroom door, wringing my hands, listening to her cry. 

Her Ballet teacher tried to comfort her.  Her Tap teacher tried to talk to her.  No go.  The other dance moms were supportive - "She's just tired tonight.  It's Ok, they all go through a phase sometimes."  But I didn't know what to DO!  I was so torn between coddling her to make it all better and trying to "teach" her to be tough.

I took her home.  I don't know if I did the right thing, but I did what FELT right.  I could say it was because I didn't want dance to be ruined for her by forcing her to do it when she wasn't digging it....but the truth is that I just totally caved to my mom instincts and reacted to my baby being in distress.  I really wanted to make a valuable "life lesson" out of the whole thing, but I went weak in the endzone.

On the way home she laughed, smiled, and chattered away.  I lectured her on quitting things before you were done and not always crying to get your way and blah, blah, blah.  She informed me that was "ignoring me 'cause she won't worried about that."  Jesus help me.

Oh, and why WAS she upset to begin with?  If you can take the word of a 4-yr-old about anything after the fact (She can remember what county the fair we went last to summer was in, but has no clue what she did with my car keys just that morning, when I'm late for work) - she was upset because she didn't like the song that the teacher picked for their routine (The Candy Man by Sammy Davis Jr.).  It's a "boy song" and she wants her ballet routine for the recital to be done to the song "I Love It" by Icona Pop.  *forehead slap*

♥M

P.S. Remember those supportive dance moms I mentioned?  So just as I'm feeling really crappy and thinking about all the ways I totally screwed the whole situation up and all the different things I coulda/shoulda said and done...I get this text:

"Loved the way you handled Jace tonight at dance.  You were so loving and maternal.  I have a bad habit of worrying about what others think in situations like that and expecting my daughter to perform and act like a grown-up.  Thanks for being a good example to me...that will stick with me. :)"

Shut the front door, people.  Me?!  A good example?!  I'm not sure I agree, but I am surely flattered and definitely grateful for such kind words.  What a mom-boost!  And who's really the example for who?  As far as I'm concerned, SHE set the example for me - when we think another mom is doing a good job, TELL THEM.  You never know when they may be feeling like crap and NEED to hear something so simple as "Good job, mama!"  ♥