A Day to Remember

This morning, I picked my grandfather up from my aunt's house and we spent the day together. If I learned anything today, it was that the only thing we ever truly need to be afraid of in life is having to regret not stopping and making time to create more memories with the people that we love.

There were sweet moments:
He insisted on carrying any and everything for me - from the fundraiser donuts we picked up at my daughter's dance school, to the grocery bags we left Food Lion with.  He even took my friend's baby carrier to her car for her when she stopped by with her son to visit today.  He helped my oldest daughter ride her bike and listened patiently while my youngest explained the plot of Harry Potter to him in 2-year-old jargon.  He pushed both girls on the swing set and made the appropriate (expected) complimentary remarks when they put their princess dress-up clothes on.

There were rough moments:
I wasn't able to convince him to eat more than one chicken tender for lunch and one slice of pizza for dinner, even though I know he loves both of those things.  He was worried about my grandmother looking for him and not knowing where he was.  He got stressed out towards the end of the day about when and how he was getting home.  He wanted to drive himself, but was frustrated that his car wasn't at my house.  At one point he tried to explain something to me, but ended up crying because he couldn't figure out how to explain it.  I just hugged him, told him that I loved him, and said that the rest wasn't important.

There are some things, however, that he KNOWS for a fact, and can tell you with certainty how he feels about them.   Here are a few:

1. He could not be a teacher "these days" because we are no longer allowed to paddle the students.

2. My younger cousin is "full of bull."  Those are HIS words.

3. If one baseball team is losing so badly to the other team that they cannot possibly come back and win, you are wasting his time (and "the good money that he pays for the cable box") by not simply ending the game right then, and carrying on with life.

4. The movie theater will never be making any money off of him because he will not be paying $12.00 to see a film that he can buy at Wal-Mart.  FYI - it cost $0.12 when he was a kid.  This was also a little pricey at the time.

5. No matter what, he knows he loves my grandmother.  He will tell you every time that her name comes up, "I won the lottery when I met her."  Of all the things he forgot today, he knew he hadn't been to see her since yesterday and wanted to know when we were leaving for the hospital.

No matter what, I feel lucky that I will get to remember today, spending time with my grandfather, and watching him spend time with my children.  They won't remember that he didn't call them by name because he forgot what their names were; they will remember that he helped them ride their bikes and pushed them on the swing.  I will get to remember his smile when they call for him to "Watch this!" and the sound of their laughter when he teases them.

One of the things that we talked about today was why some people end up having Alzheimer's, and some people don't. There is no satisfactory answer to that question.  Different researchers have different opinions on the matter, but the only real truth is this - The only way to live your life is to know that you never know what's coming next, and therefore, should take nothing and no one for granted.

♥M

To My Oldest

Dear Jace,

Today is your birthday AND the fourth anniversary of me becoming a mom. 

You are my "mini-me."  You are my sweet and sassy oldest child.  You changed my world in so many ways.  No pregnancy book, no parenting article, and no well-worded advice from a loved one can ever truly prepare you for everything that you feel when peering down at that tiny little person for the first time.  The one that you loved before you ever even met.  When they handed you to me in the hospital, time stood still and my heart burst with happiness and pride.  It is not something that one person can explain to another; but rather something that one can only experience and then hold onto tightly, forever and ever, as the most wonderful memory of all time.

You came into this world and I looked at you and I saw a new life, a new reason to live every day, a new reason to be a better person, and a new way of viewing the world.  I fell in love with you; and I fell in love with your daddy all over again, too.  I already loved him as my husband, but this time I fell in love with him as your father.  He loves you so much, that it makes me love HIM even more than I already did.

Your birth marked a new chapter in our life that is a never-ending journey of "firsts."  Your first hiccups, your first bath, your first smile, your first tooth, your first steps...the excitement of every little thing you do makes the whole world a brighter place.  I will never tire of celebrating you and all of the things you do, no matter how big or how small they may be.

You fill my heart with joy, love, and pride.  That will never change...even when you are a teenager.  I am your mother and you are my daughter - I will love you forever and I will forever be here for you.

Happy birthday, sweet girl.

♥M

My favorite "birthday" quotes from Jace today:

Me: Hold up 4 fingers so I can take a birthday picture.
Jace: (holds up four fingers, stops and examines her hands) Whoa...I think my hands are bigger...

Me: I made you cupcakes, but I can't find the candles!
Jace: *Sigh* We should have just done this at Grandma's house.

Me: Why did you act scared when they sang "Happy Birthday" to you?!  (Or rather, "Feliz Cumpleaños" since we were at a Mexican restaurant.)
Jace:  I didn't know what they were SAYING to me?!

A Second Love

I've mentioned before that Baby #2 is more than just a bomb in your marriage, they are a major upheaval of all that is normal for your whole family-of-three's dynamic.  With the first baby you worry about being a good parent and being "ready" for all the things that a baby brings.  With the second baby, you worry about the first baby.  A lot.

I was totally unprepared, and had never heard anyone talk about, the overwhelming amount of guilt I felt towards the end of my second pregnancy.  I was terrified of what this second child would mean to my relationship with my first daughter.  I was excited about the baby, couldn't wait to meet her, hold her, and love her....and that made me feel guilty.

My daughter was a relatively easy toddler....because she was used to the whole world revolving around her.  She played what she wanted, when she wanted.  Her stuff stayed where she put it.  If she wanted a snack or a drink, she got it within a reasonable period of time.  She was our whole world because she was our one and only.  That was about to change - and she had no clue it was coming.  I did know...and it made me feel guilty.

Snuggles on demand were no problem when there was only one kid to snuggle.  Sharing our bed wasn't really a big deal because when she crawled in between us in the middle of the night, there wasn't anyone to be jealous of her doing it.  Stopping what I was doing to do what she wanted was a habit because whatever else I had been doing was only something for me anyway, and she was more important.  There was going to be another person to divide my attention away from her now...and that made me feel guilty.

The last few weeks of my pregnancy, I actually cried sometimes from the overwhelming feeling of change that just felt as if it were swallowing me up.  Jace was only 2 years old - she wasn't going to understand what she was feeling once the baby came and I wouldn't be able to explain it to her in any way that she could understand at such a young age.  My biggest fear was that my sweet baby girl would think Mommy didn't love her anymore.  (Now I'm crying just remembering it, ugh!)

The night before my Cesarean, we left her with my parents and I cried like I would never see her again.  It was ridiculous.  I was being torn in half between how excited I was to finally meet my new baby and how awful I felt about "abandoning" my oldest child to go do it.  Don't judge my irrational behavior - pregnancy hormones are a real B.

The other thing I wasn't prepared for was the next morning when they held that wrinkled up little mess of a strawberry-blonde that is my second child up to my face, and I got to kiss her little fingers and stroke her soft cheek before they whisked her off to the hospital nursery.  "Oh my God...I just fell in love again,"  I told James. 

I was wrong about my heart being split in two for two babies.  I was wrong about having to give up some of my love for Jace so that I would have enough for Daire.  I was wrong to ever doubt that my heart couldn't hold them both at the same time.

My heart got bigger.

Now I feel incomplete without them both in my arms.  My world is not divided, it is more complete.  I have more love, get more snuggles, and make or buy two of everything.  The first year was far from smooth and nothing if not a learning experience, but we made it.  For every time my heart broke for having to tell Jace "hold on" or "not right this second" because of the baby, it has swelled ten times over when I see them hug, snuggle, share, and love each other beyond words. 

I will always remember that first love, but I couldn't imagine life without my second.

♥M

Friday Night Lite

Friday nights are not what they used to be. 

I used to think I was having fun, before I had kids; but I just didn't know any better.  Now I know what REAL fun is.  Real fun is coloring a picture together (or twelve), playing Barbies, building blanket forts, and having tea parties that turn into tickle fights. 

I still dress up on Friday nights, only in plastic jeweled tiaras and Hello Kitty necklaces now.  I still go out, but it's in an imaginary carriage... to an imaginary ball... in my living room.  (Way better parking than at the club or bar, by the way.)

I still dance on Friday nights, but now it's to the Elmo Potty Song and the Disney Jr. Soundtrack.  And I can do it in my socks, instead of heels.  Winning.

Eating hot dogs and mac-n-cheese on a blanket in the living room floor beats any meal in a fancy restaurant. (That's their "thing" right now...eating in the floor. I learned that if I throw down a blanket and call it a "picnic," they will eat almost ANYTHING I cook, including "green stuff." I draw the line at spaghetti though. Spaghetti is NOT a picnic food...despite their arguments in an attempt to build a case for it.)

Sometimes, when we're saying bedtime prayers ("Dear God, Tank you ever-ting and ever-body.  Pease let Sissy do not kick me tonight. Amen") or when they put their little hands on my cheeks and kiss me goodnight ("I love you, Mommy!" "Wuv ew, mama!"), I feel like my heart will burst.  I try to remember what things were like before they existed, and it's all a haze of meaningless, skewed priorities. 

Friday nights are not what they used to be... They are much, much better.

♥M