To My Oldest

Dear Jace,

Today is your birthday AND the fourth anniversary of me becoming a mom. 

You are my "mini-me."  You are my sweet and sassy oldest child.  You changed my world in so many ways.  No pregnancy book, no parenting article, and no well-worded advice from a loved one can ever truly prepare you for everything that you feel when peering down at that tiny little person for the first time.  The one that you loved before you ever even met.  When they handed you to me in the hospital, time stood still and my heart burst with happiness and pride.  It is not something that one person can explain to another; but rather something that one can only experience and then hold onto tightly, forever and ever, as the most wonderful memory of all time.

You came into this world and I looked at you and I saw a new life, a new reason to live every day, a new reason to be a better person, and a new way of viewing the world.  I fell in love with you; and I fell in love with your daddy all over again, too.  I already loved him as my husband, but this time I fell in love with him as your father.  He loves you so much, that it makes me love HIM even more than I already did.

Your birth marked a new chapter in our life that is a never-ending journey of "firsts."  Your first hiccups, your first bath, your first smile, your first tooth, your first steps...the excitement of every little thing you do makes the whole world a brighter place.  I will never tire of celebrating you and all of the things you do, no matter how big or how small they may be.

You fill my heart with joy, love, and pride.  That will never change...even when you are a teenager.  I am your mother and you are my daughter - I will love you forever and I will forever be here for you.

Happy birthday, sweet girl.

♥M

My favorite "birthday" quotes from Jace today:

Me: Hold up 4 fingers so I can take a birthday picture.
Jace: (holds up four fingers, stops and examines her hands) Whoa...I think my hands are bigger...

Me: I made you cupcakes, but I can't find the candles!
Jace: *Sigh* We should have just done this at Grandma's house.

Me: Why did you act scared when they sang "Happy Birthday" to you?!  (Or rather, "Feliz Cumpleaños" since we were at a Mexican restaurant.)
Jace:  I didn't know what they were SAYING to me?!

A Second Love

I've mentioned before that Baby #2 is more than just a bomb in your marriage, they are a major upheaval of all that is normal for your whole family-of-three's dynamic.  With the first baby you worry about being a good parent and being "ready" for all the things that a baby brings.  With the second baby, you worry about the first baby.  A lot.

I was totally unprepared, and had never heard anyone talk about, the overwhelming amount of guilt I felt towards the end of my second pregnancy.  I was terrified of what this second child would mean to my relationship with my first daughter.  I was excited about the baby, couldn't wait to meet her, hold her, and love her....and that made me feel guilty.

My daughter was a relatively easy toddler....because she was used to the whole world revolving around her.  She played what she wanted, when she wanted.  Her stuff stayed where she put it.  If she wanted a snack or a drink, she got it within a reasonable period of time.  She was our whole world because she was our one and only.  That was about to change - and she had no clue it was coming.  I did know...and it made me feel guilty.

Snuggles on demand were no problem when there was only one kid to snuggle.  Sharing our bed wasn't really a big deal because when she crawled in between us in the middle of the night, there wasn't anyone to be jealous of her doing it.  Stopping what I was doing to do what she wanted was a habit because whatever else I had been doing was only something for me anyway, and she was more important.  There was going to be another person to divide my attention away from her now...and that made me feel guilty.

The last few weeks of my pregnancy, I actually cried sometimes from the overwhelming feeling of change that just felt as if it were swallowing me up.  Jace was only 2 years old - she wasn't going to understand what she was feeling once the baby came and I wouldn't be able to explain it to her in any way that she could understand at such a young age.  My biggest fear was that my sweet baby girl would think Mommy didn't love her anymore.  (Now I'm crying just remembering it, ugh!)

The night before my Cesarean, we left her with my parents and I cried like I would never see her again.  It was ridiculous.  I was being torn in half between how excited I was to finally meet my new baby and how awful I felt about "abandoning" my oldest child to go do it.  Don't judge my irrational behavior - pregnancy hormones are a real B.

The other thing I wasn't prepared for was the next morning when they held that wrinkled up little mess of a strawberry-blonde that is my second child up to my face, and I got to kiss her little fingers and stroke her soft cheek before they whisked her off to the hospital nursery.  "Oh my God...I just fell in love again,"  I told James. 

I was wrong about my heart being split in two for two babies.  I was wrong about having to give up some of my love for Jace so that I would have enough for Daire.  I was wrong to ever doubt that my heart couldn't hold them both at the same time.

My heart got bigger.

Now I feel incomplete without them both in my arms.  My world is not divided, it is more complete.  I have more love, get more snuggles, and make or buy two of everything.  The first year was far from smooth and nothing if not a learning experience, but we made it.  For every time my heart broke for having to tell Jace "hold on" or "not right this second" because of the baby, it has swelled ten times over when I see them hug, snuggle, share, and love each other beyond words. 

I will always remember that first love, but I couldn't imagine life without my second.

♥M

Another Crazy Love Story (Part III)

Part III: The Baby Years

In 2009, we decided we wanted to be a family of three.  In 2010, we had a perfect baby girl, and named her Jace.  Jace was the equivalent of a bomb going off in our lives.  It's very confusing to be in love with each other, then have this little person suddenly take over.  It's not about quantity - you don't love one more than the other.  It's just a different kind of love, but one that's equally intense. 

We survived as well as new parents do.  We were cranky from being up all night.  We learned that trial and error are the ONLY way to learn what makes YOUR baby happy....NOT the 50 baby books on the coffee table or the 200 people telling you how to do everything.  James was extremely supportive when I wasn't able to breastfeed, like I planned.  I learned to let go of my focus on making things go the way I had planned, and instead focus on handling things the way that they went.  Jace made our hearts bigger just by coming into the world.  She was the best thing that had ever happened to us.

The summer after Jace turned one, people kept teasing me, "Time to have another baby!"  I kept saying, "Not yet - We need a bigger house!"  The teasing made me paranoid though, so I took a pregnancy test.  James and I just stared at it for a few minutes....then looked at each other and busted out laughing.  How in the world was this going to work?!  We live in an apartment sized house, and we were drowning in paying student loans!  And yet, we were over the moon excited and couldn't wait to meet Baby #2.  I was, however, fully aware of the fact that I would have to hear those exact same concerns from anyone that we announced my pregnancy to.  I wanted to bask in my joy a little longer...before I had to fend off all of the "helpful" people.  ("Oh my God, you're going to move aren't you?!"  Yes, I just took maternity leave and am pregnant again, so we can definitely spring for new digs.  "How are you going to afford to pay for two kids at the sitter?!"  Well, we're just going to leave one in the backyard while we're at work...it's fenced in.) 

Plus, I was the matron-of-honor in an upcoming wedding, and thought it would be a pretty crap move to announce that I was pregnant in the middle of throwing bridal showers, planning a bachelorette party, and attending dress fittings.  A real "look at me, not her" sort of thing.  Not cool.

Somewhere between month 4 and 5, I casually announced that we were expecting.  It was pretty well received, with the exception of one friend.  She had been having trouble with a second pregnancy, and unfortunately my good news was not something our friendship was able to tolerate.  Looking back, I understand that it was her pain that made her lash out at me; but that there was nothing I could have done to help ease her distress in my "condition."  She saw my unexpected pregnancy as a slap in her face.  She felt that I didn't deserve my baby because I hadn't suffered the same way she had.  It didn't matter that I understood WHY she said the things she said...no amount of understanding can make words like those hurt any less.  I was extremely sad to have lost her friendship, but not everything that is broken can be fixed.  That included the "close as sisters" relationship we had, which I still mourn from time to time.

If it's possible to have two of the "best moments ever," then Daire's arrival was exactly as much of a "best" as Jace's.  She was an even bigger bomb in our lives, however.  The thing about Baby #2, is that they don't just change the lives of you and your spouse....they turn Baby #1's life upside down too.  Poor Jace was so torn between being just as in love with Daire as we were, and also being insanely jealous.  Nothing stayed the same for any of us.  Our house, our schedules, our SLEEP, how we divided our attention...everything changed.  We had the whole "new baby" thing under our belt, but "new baby plus toddler" was nothing short of something I'm still waiting on a trophy for.

The first year of "baby plus toddler" was hard, the second year was bumpy, but now we're hitting smoother patches.  The girls are sharing a room (as opposed to us sharing OUR room...with either of them).  They can both talk now (not always a good thing).  They are both fully mobile (definitely not always a good thing) and decently independent.  The big one can even dress herself!  Woohoo!

Our endurance, tolerance, and patience have been tested daily throughout these baby years, but we do get more sleep than we did a year ago - and THAT is always lovely.  The fact that they are both girls makes for a lot of drama-handling and regular doses of theatrics; but I'm trying to study and gain knowledge daily on diffusing these intense meltdowns....otherwise I'm not sure how we'll all fare through their pubescent years. 

All we can do is march forward, like good parent-soldiers, and take comfort in the fact that we are facing these challenges together.  We'll need each other to lean on in the years to come, that's for sure; because with what I've seen of this parenting stuff so far - it is NOT for those of a weak spirit...or a weak stomach.

♥M

Things All Moms Know...But Won't Tell You When You're Pregnant

This is a list of things that I'm fairly certain people knew, and didn't tell me while I was pregnant for the first time, because they were trying to be nice.  (Which is ridiculous because they don't mind telling you how huge you are, how swollen your face is, or how horrendous THEIR pregnancy was...) 

My school of thinking is this:  you need to know this stuff NOW, so that you don't think there's something horribly awry with your postpartum experience.  There's enough to be insecure about those first days (weeks... months...), without thinking you're all alone in what you're going through!

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Things all moms know, but won’t tell you when you’re pregnant….

1. You WILL get pooped on. (And peed on. And thrown up on. And sometimes all on the same day.)  In fact, most of your life will revolve around those 3 things from now on.

2.   You will feel annoyed when the baby wakes you up.  I don’t know what saint out there set the standard for patience, but the 3^rd or 4^th time they wake you up in one night, it’s ok to cry a little yourself before you get up.  

3.   Your kid will get hurt.  He will bump his head, shut his finger in a drawer, and maybe even fall off of something before the age of one.  It happens.  You lose 5 years off your life every time it does (especially when you’re RIGHT THERE?!) but it doesn’t make you a bad mom.  If anyone says it does ask them if their kid’s ever had a bruise.  That’s what I thought.

4.   You and the hubs will fight.  You’ve created a precious new life and it’s been a very “romantic” concept up to this point.  You’ve daydreamed and imagined what your baby would be like together.  Then you give birth and you’re both in love and in awe of this tiny person.  Then you go home...and you start getting on each other’s NERVES.  Whose turn is it to change the poop diaper?  Whose turn is it to get up at night?  Just know that once you start getting sleep again (as opposed to being cranky zombies) you will magically start to get along better.  Which leads me to…

5.  GO ON DATES!  (I know, I know, I need to take my own advice too.)  You and the hubs MUST still have some alone time.  Sometimes you won’t even realize how bad you just needed a dinner with your husband until you DO IT!  (dinner, I mean… *mischievous face*)

6.  Some days, no matter how much goes right…or wrong…or wronger….you will just feel like a crappy mom.  You will beat yourself up.  You will take every little thing personal.  You will think crazy things like “Does this kid even like me?!” or “I will never get to sleep again. Never.”  It’s ok.  That’s why God made wine and bathtubs.  And “Daddy Duty.”

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None of this is to scare you or to take away from how magical of an experience this truly is.  I only wanted to share with you the things that made me worry whether I was “normal” or “a bad mom” after I had my babies.  Everyone is different and everyone’s experiences are unique.  There is, however, one thing that is ALWAYS true…your world is about to get turned upside down.  And that’s not always a bad thing.  You will experience a new kind of love that you won’t remember how you lived without.  You will also amaze yourself at how natural being a mom becomes.  That doesn’t mean you won’t have to Google stuff or call your mom in a panic for advice sometimes.  Loving your baby, though, will be the easiest, most wonderful thing you will ever do with your life.

Good Luck Mama!

♥M