I recently wrote a blog post called
My Sensitive Child (a.k.a. "The Drama Queen"), and there was an incredible response to it, but not the one I expected. I really thought that I would mostly hear from parents whose children share similar traits; but actually, a majority of the responses were from adults who identified THEMSELVES as "sensitive."
I feel very strongly that the reason I can be patient with my daughter is because I
empathize with her. In addition to being awkward (as evidenced in
Awkward Anonymous &
Freaky Friday), I am also a sensitive adult...probably as an extension of being a sensitive child. Do I sense another support group forming....anyone...?
Throughout my childhood and teen years, I had very little by way of self esteem. I was an easy target who always felt ridiculed for being "different" or separated from the crowd. I always felt like someone was mad at me (even if they weren't). I can still FEEL the feelings that I experienced in certain situations. Anything as simple as forgetting my homework or anything as drastic as getting into a fight - it has all stuck with me. All of the times that I felt stupid for something I said or did, every instance of feeling betrayed or bullied, they all remain tucked away in the recesses of my mind. You know those people who can't remember anything from their childhood, or stare at you blankly when you recount some shared experience from high school? Yeah, I don't get those people...but I am jealous of them. What I wouldn't give to block out middle school...*shudder*
As an adult, I definitely have a thicker skin. I would no longer be described as "shy," "inhibited," or "timid." I speak up a lot more often. I am more confident, and less likely to put up with your crap. I didn't
choose to "grow out of" those sensitive traits...life's circumstances grew me and molded me into a stronger person (on the outside, anyway). It took ALL 28 YEARS, however. In high school, I was good at
faking being confident, and in college I developed a little more self-esteem. Within the last few years I have realized that I just need to own and get over my flaws....or else I'll die of anxiety.
That doesn't mean my brain
knows I am supposed to be this newly "NOT sensitive" person, however. I have relapses...and they are usually when I get good and pleased with myself about whatever I've got going on. This is when things start stacking up and
tear down my resolve to be "tough" as opposed to "sensitive." This week? It was just one big test of my "think skin."
I've written before about the conscience effort it takes on my part to not blend other people's feelings with mine (
Don't Hide Your Feelins'). That's not because I am influenced by others' ways of
thinking, but because I can literally absorb the vibes that people give off and their
feelings influence mine. ("Whoaaa...that's intense, man." What a hippie, right?) Thus, when someone is angry and being condescending towards me, it takes a lot of effort, sometimes, to maintain my super cool, "go with the flow" attitude. For a
totally random example: if your boss was being way negative and talking to you like a prison inmate while looking at you like something they just found stuck to the bottom of their shoe....it could require extra effort to not totally lose your religion, much less your job.
Maybe that's not a good example, though. I mean, who wouldn't be tempted to lose their cool with an angry person, right? If you are a sensitive person, however, the whole thing will bother you for days...and you'll think of it at random moments...and it will distract you from other things....and you will be even angrier later than you were then.
Over analyzing can be something we sensitive folk do very well too. Here's a snapshot of my brain from earlier this week while having to smile and play nice around someone that I KNOW doesn't like me....
"I can't believe she just TALKS to me all the time... I wonder if she knows that I know that she spread all of that mean stuff about me... I wonder if she trash talks about me around our mutual friends... Hmmm...I wonder what my friends say when she does. Wait....they must not say anything, because otherwise she wouldn't be mean in front of them.... Omg...everyone hates me. I'm never leaving home again."
See how I took that from "level zero" to "level crazy" in less than 3 minutes? Get over yourself, M, people have more than
you to worry about. Phew.
Not convinced that I am a recovering sensitive adult? How about my reaction to someone not liking a Facebook post I made? (I posted an e-card that made a joke about "who do atheists thank for it being Friday?")
"Oh, wow...that got totally misunderstood. Wait...if one person misunderstood, then probably the whole world did. Holy crap, someone just unliked the blog page. That has never happened. I'm deleting the post. Let me check the stats....ok, only 36 people saw my post. 2 of them liked it, so that means I could potentially lose 34 followers.... I'm just going to text the person that I pissed off.... Ok, now I'm going to wait until they answer... Ok, they answered... Oh crap, I have really screwed up! I suck at life and I will never post anything on Facebook again."
Then I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for an hour trying to decide how to best win myself back into that person's good graces. Yeah...I'm a real tough cookie.
But wait...there's more. I had to witness two different friends get treated badly this week, as well. I think I've already established how crazy this makes me (
To All My Friends! (God Help You.)) My passion for preventing the pain of others was strained and tested. In one instance, I was at least able to shoot off my two-cents - in the other...no such luck. As someone who burns way more intensely over the injustices dealt to others than to myself, these were serious struggles for me.
And lastly, things go personal again. I have spent the last week promoting the fact that I am staying home next year and have gotten some super confusing vibes about it. I KNOW that I am making the right decision to stay home. I have gotten great advice, a lot of interest from people who are interested in me caring for their children as well, but also some pretty strange reactions. Most people have meant well, and a majority of the feedback I have gotten is both positive AND helpful. I have done a lot of research and feel prepared for my adventure. And yet...that sensitive part of me that I can't deny - it's tingling. My feelings are trying to be hurt by the weird, negative vibes that some people are giving me about leaving teaching and staying home to be with my babies. Nevertheless - I WILL be staying home with my kids next year. The part of me that can't help but to be affected by people's negativity is just really smarting from all of the questions and skepticism about how it will all "work out."
As a "recovering" highly sensitive person, I know that I will have moved on from all of these emotional setbacks within the next week. As a "relapsing" sensitive person, however, I know that I will both remember these events and draw from the experiences when making future judgement calls. If there's anything us sensitive people are good at - it's limiting the opportunities of others to make us feel foolish or insecure.
Don't worry, though - as an awkward person, the sensitive traits will lose out and I will soon act foolish anyway...all on my own!
"Unless you're ready to look foolish, you'll never have the possibly of being great." - Cher
♥M
