Freaky Friday

Today was one of those "Awkward Anonymous" kind of days that made me question being allowed in public. 

I was relatively well-behaved at work; but after leaving there, things just kind of went to crazy, quick.  I had my six-month skin cancer body-screen at the Dermatologist's office and was patting myself on the back for being so well-prepared for it.  I wore my sunscreen all summer, was only 5 minutes late (a real accomplishment for me when going to the doctor straight from work), and had even shaved my legs that morning. 

Normal chit-chat with the nurse, she hands me my gown, she tells me, "Ok, just take everything off except your bra and underwear."  I was all, "Okaaaa....*GAAAAASP!*

"What's wrong?!"
"OMG...I don't have any underwear on."
"Why?!"
"I got dressed really fast this morning...?"

She just kind of stuttered for a few minutes...and then offered me DEPENDS (that was "all she had").  I died laughing and told her I'd rather her see my naked butt than wear a diaper, but I sincerely appreciated her offer. 

In my overzealous effort to tuck the paper lap gown around myself, I tore it in about 4 different places.  I just gave up after that.  "You've had two children, for God's sake," I tell myself.  "HOW could this be worse than being naked in an operating room with a dozen people?!'

I survived that embarrassment just in time to make it to my sorority dinner....and go for broke in the Awkward Games. 

We played a fun game while we waited for our food - one woman called out letters of the alphabet and whoever could produce an item from their purse that started with that letter FIRST, got a point.  Being first meant being quick.  Being quick meant blurting things out.  Being encouraged to blurt things out is NOT ideal for an awkward person, such as myself.  It's like offering an alcoholic a drink, or inviting someone with a gambling problem to go to a casino.  It will not play out well.

I got too excited in the beginning and shouted "Examples!" for 'E' - but what I produced was a SAMPLE of eczema cream from the dermatologist's office.  (No, M. No.)  Other people were pulling out cool stuff, like a leprechaun ('L') and a tazer (T') and an iPad ('I').  I feel like they had played this game before.

I pulled it together and produced deodorant for 'D' and Mickey Mouse bubbles for 'M' (I KNEW those bubbles would come in handy).  I got some weird looks when I produced a chunk of Twizzler from the depths of my bag for 'T', but things reached a really new level when everyone was stumped by the letter 'X'....until I found some Xanax in a side pocket.  I attempted to play that off by announcing there would be an after party in the parking lot with that and the bubbles.  Polite laughter.  Ouch.  (Hey, next time you get nervous on an airplane or break out in hives over a dreadful event you're being forced to attend - you'll think of me and how wise I am to stash the stuff.)  Just stay home, M.  Just stay home.

Well, either they're as crazy as I am or the Xanax compartment of my purse didn't scare anyone too badly, because I was asked to consider being President Elect for next year.  That's what you want, ladies - an awkward president who forgets to wear underwear.  Maybe that will be my campaign slogan...

♥M