It's the empathy side of my personality. I can't cut it off. Not even when I know that I'm being had. I am notoriously gullible when it comes to practical jokes and hoaxes. I am the kind of person that would end up on the news for being scammed out of their life savings.
These are the top scams I fall for at bedtime:
"I'm hungry."
What kind of parent sends their child to bed hungry?! This is a guaranteed way to add an extra 15 minutes to the bedtime routine. If my kids make this plea, I immediately conjure images of the Haitian children from my mission trips - wide eyes and hungry faces - and I make haste to the fridge to scour for bedtime snacks...even though we just ate dinner an hour ago.
"I'm thirsty."
Have you ever been thirsty?! It's awful! How can one sleep when one is parched?! This is a ruse that gets me multiple times a night - including midnight wake-up calls and wee-hours of the morning distress signals. I get it, man. I wake up thirsty too. Thus, I fall for it every time.
"My lips are chapped."
We all know this sucks. You cannot sleep if your lips hurt real bad.
"My sister ____________."
This blank can be filled in with SO many things. "...bit me." "...kicked me." "...pulled my hair." "...stole my pillow." "...is hogging the covers." "...touched my stuffed animal." "...looked at me." The list is endless. My patience, unfortunately is not. After 5-6 of these type of complaints, I tend to lose my cool and say things like, "If anyone screams again, I will give you something to scream about!" I feel like that is an excusable reaction on my part.
"I'm hot."
Well, who can fall asleep when they are hot?! I fall prey to wardrobe changes, exchanges in bed covers, and sips of cold water when these dramatics come to surface. Again I say, I AM A SUCKER.
"I'm itchy."
Ok, so itchiness is a serious dilemma. If you have an itch, it is mind-obsessively overwhelming. Plus, they both have eczema, so I am easily convinced that a rub-down with oatmeal-based lotion is immediately necessary....kind of...probably...probably not.
"I lost my stuffed animal/favorite blanket/specific pillow/random object that I just decided I needed tonight to go to sleep."
Neither of you have a favorite and/or necessary bedtime item since kicking the "binky habit." Whatever you are looking for - it's under the covers. Go to sleep.
"I need a tissue."
Prove it. Right now. Give me a test-snort, and if I witness signs of snot, then you have proven you need a tissue and may get up. Oh my God, there's snot everywhere. That's disgusting, go get a tissue. I don't guess it would do me any good to point out that YOU CRIED when I tried to get you to blow your nose an hour ago.
"I have to go to the bathroom."
Well, what are you supposed to say to that? "Pee in your bed." NO. Valid pass to get out bed, granted. Even if I am convinced that you held it until now.
"One more kiss/hug."
This is an advanced mind-ninja move, if I've ever experienced one. I'm pretty sure that the proper response cannot possibly be: "No, I'm a monster and I will not kiss or hug you anymore tonight!" Therefore, I go in there and pass out kisses and hugs like the SUCKER that I am. Ugh.
This is why "bedtime" at our house remains between 7:30pm and 8:00pm. If we START at that hour then there may be actual sleep happening by 9:00pm. At least until 3:00am, when they both just come get in my bed, and kick the hubs in the face until he gives up and heads to the couch.
♥M
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