We've jokingly called my oldest daughter "the drama queen" since she was a toddler. The older she gets, however, the more I recognize her for what she is - a "highly sensitive" child.
I first got turned on to this notion while reading some random parenting article. I couldn't get over how spot-on the article was in relation to Jace and her behaviors. I had previously recognized little things here and there - what worked when disciplining her, or what she responded to the best when presenting something new. Somewhere along the way, a lot of my concepts and ideals of parenting changed to fit the kind of child she is, as opposed to what the perfect child was supposed to be in response to my "perfect" parenting skills (i.e. the defense techniques I had read in a book).
In Jace's case, she just needs a certain tone, a certain presentation of expectations, a clear cut definition of consequences (NOT threats) in order to respond positively. This can be said about a lot of children, though. What made things really "click" for me, made me really "buy into" all of this "highly sensitive" mumbo-jumbo, was a combination of many articles and my ever-efficient "M-research." I'm sure I'm not alone in that I take paranoid journeys driven towards discovery when it comes to my children.
According to The Highly Sensitive Person (and their Parent Checklist) these are some of the qualities of a highly sensitive child:
-startles easily
-complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin
-doesn't usually enjoy big surprises
-learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment
-seems to read my mind
-uses big words for his/her age
-notices the slightest unusual odor
-has a clever sense of humor
-seems very intuitive
-is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
-doesn't do well with big changes
-wants to change clothes if wet or sandy
-asks lots of questions
-is a perfectionist
-notices the distress of others
-prefers quiet play
-asks deep, thought-provoking questions
-is very sensitive to pain
-is bothered by noisy places
-notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, etc.)
-considers if it is safe before climbing high
-performs best when strangers aren't present
-feels things deeply
Not all, but most of these apply to Jace. That sent me looking me for more information, because God knows, I'm probably screwing this all up and traumatizing her daily with my horrendous parenting, right? Thankfully, this was not the case. I was actually reassured by a lot of what I read.
Sensitive children respond better to requests and logic than to harsh discipline and raised voices (the latter will typically result in the exact behavior you are trying to avoid or correct.) Luckily, I had picked up on this already with Jace, and usually try to present things in a way that's more of a "Hey, let's do this together..." kind of approach. Doesn't ALWAYS work, but definitely gets better results than "Go do such and such RIGHT NOW!"
Sensitive children will start to "act out" (or as I say, "You're showing your tail!") when they become overly stimulated or tired. I had noticed that when Jace has friends over, or when we are in a large social group, she can turn into a total monster. The only way to adjust that is to remove her from the situation and calmly explain to her exactly what she is doing that's super crappy. Time-out or yelling always just makes her lash back. Explaining that a certain behavior or tone of voice makes her sound "mean" or "makes Mommy upset and disappointed" SEEMS to work better. I have to be careful how I phrase everything, however; because any slight inclination that I'm shaming, embarrassing, or laughing at her makes her totally shut down and/or have a meltdown. It's a seriously tricky tightrope that I walk with these "discipline talks" and it's straight up exhausting. Sometimes I get it just right and feel like "Mom of the Universe," but I'm not going to lie....I've also been known to totally blow it...and she ends up crying on my shoulder...and I feel like crap for a mom.
Sensitive children need language to describe their feelings. If they aren't able to understand or explain how they feel, then they will just lose it completely. I'm not a hippie or anything, but "feeling" words are a big thing for me with my kids. I want to make sure that they can not only describe how they feel, but that they understand it's ok to feel ANYTHING - what matters is how you ACT on it. If they are angry about something (or at me), I try to teach them that it's ok to be mad, but there are acceptable ways to handle that emotion. Go scream into your pillow, cool off by yourself, and when you're ready to tell me what's wrong, we can talk about it. I try to avoid getting sucked into an argument or anyone yelling at each other. That never seems to end well.
Sensitive children are terrible with transitions. Really and truly, though, most people are. I decided a long time ago that if I were doing something that I thought was super important and someone said, "Hey stop that right now, and come with me," it would probably piss me off pretty badly. So then I kind of understood why I was being met with resistance when I would say, "Ok, time to ____, come on!" The solution was a forehead-slapping easy one. All I had to do was say, "Ok, 5 more minutes and then we gotta go!" And then there was no problem. It's beautiful. That was all it took. Just a simple heads-up before transitioning.
Sensitive children are very critical of themselves. It's so important to filter yourself when you think that you are offering advice. A lot of the time, no matter how well-intended your words are, they WILL be taken as criticism when spoken to a child who is highly sensitive. The best way to avoid them running from the room crying, while you stand there scratching your head, trying to figure out what you said - start everything with a positive. And I don't mean, "Great cartwheel, BUT you're supposed to keep your legs straight." I mean, "Awesome, cartwheel! Show me that way you do it with your legs straight!" Don't get the difference? They will.
Some of the best material I found was by a psychotherapist, Elaine N. Arnon, Ph.D. (The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them). She wrote this about highly sensitive children:
"First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or 'just discovered.' It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society--for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.
Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or 'hyper' sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on--creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others...
But, for all of that to blossom, they absolutely must be raised with understanding. Otherwise, as adults they are prone to depression, anxiety, and shyness."
Omg....no pressure. If I screw this up, though, my kid will just be shy, depressed, and anxious forever. Crap.
The biggest piece of advice that I think I gleaned from all of my reading was this: Parenting a sensitive child is not about changing them, it's about changing how you parent. Do not force society's demands onto your child. Your job is to nudge them into trying new things, without making them feel as if you won't be there or love them as much if they can't "be like other kids."
The bottom line:
Love them.
Maybe I got this after all....
♥M
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