10 Things That Will Only Ever Happen on a Weekday Morning

It never fails that Saturday mornings are mellow and drama free.  I imagine that's because the family has exhausted itself with all of the Monday-Friday morning shenanigans.  This list is a compilation of true stories...and most of them have happened all on the same day.

Things that will only ever happen while I'm attempting to get ready for work:

*Alternate title: Things that bring me to Jesus in the morning:

1. Pulling a muscle in my hip by tripping over a pile of mega blocks.

2. My toddler insisting that I hold her...while I brush my teeth and put my makeup on.

3. My toddler "helping" me brush my teeth and put my makeup on.

4. My 3 year old laying in the floor (under my feet) and crying for 30 minutes until I finally figure out that she wants a different headband.

5. Sneezing while I'm applying mascara. 

6. Having to remove wads of doll hair from my hairbrush before I can use it.

7. The cat knocking over an entire container of crystal light powder. The red kind.

8. My husband leaving for work...with my car keys.

9. Realizing, after I'm completely dressed and ready, that you can see my bra through my yellow shirt.

10. Leaving for work at the last second, realizing I drove home with the gas light on the night before and forgot about it, then while I'm pumping gas, remembering that my laptop is sitting on the kitchen counter.

Sometimes, I really wish I liked coffee.  Specifically, the Irish kind.

♥M

For the LOVE of Snow Days...You Made Me Get Real

I kept it light last night with my snow day rant. (For the Love of Snow Days)  Then, we got another snow day. Then, people lost it. Then, I got mad. I tried writing about other stuff tonight, but I've given up and decided to just let the sequel to last night's rant flow.
The level of ignorance people display openly on social media can make us all shake our head from time to time.  The past two weeks, however, I've actually had my jaw drop a few times.  I make a point to never purport knowing how someone else should or shouldn't carry on their professional duties in a job that I have no training or experience in.  As it turns out, though - the world abounds in education experts.  Shocking.

Despite how many people seem to know everything already, I thought I'd attempt to shed some light on things that seem to have caused confusion.

1. The tax payers are NOT being cheated out of my services due to snow.  I won't bore you with the details of my contract, but my work gets done with or without a snow day.  The students are also meeting their required number of HOURS of educational instruction per school year, regardless of a few extra days off. Rest assured, I shall still earn my salary this year despite the weather. IF, however, you are interested in paying me overtime for all of the EXTRA hours I'll work, I'm all ears.

2. I sincerely apologize that you feel slighted by my NOT working, while you ARE.  I get the temptation to declare "No fair!" when you see all the teachers posting about snow cream and drinking coffee in their pajamas as you toil away at whatever it is that you do.  I get it, man. I do. But in case you were wondering what *I* don't think is fair...

          A) School buses being on the road when there's any chance of them wrecking, thus endangering the lives of YOUR children.  In case you've been misled, we do NOT have Hollywood stunt drivers for those things.  We have regular people, like you and me, who are not black-ice proof.

          B) Children being expected to stand in the snow and wait for the bus in 2° temperatures.  We live in the South, people. Some of these kids don't own (and can't afford) anything thicker than fleece. Some of them don't have parents getting them ready in the morning and telling them to wear layers. Don't go all vigilante on me here, I'm just telling you what is.

          C) At the risk of going off topic - this is where I'm going to offer you a suggestion of what you SHOULD be mad about and say "No fair!" to.  How about all of the students being required to perform at the same level academically and achieve success at the same pace, regardless of ability level (or disabilities)?  See - THAT'S not fair. Now, let your indignation be of actual use and go campaign about that.

3. This is my favorite: "If teachers have the gall to hope for a snow day, then they obviously don't want to do their job, and therefore don't care about their students."  Do I really even need to justify this with a rebuttal?  No. Am I going to rip it to shreds anyway? Yes... Any HINT that I don't genuinely love my students makes me see red. I refuse to list all of the things I do and sacrifice for them, because I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.  I would not have gone to college, taken umpteen expensive tests for my license, maintain said license, and keep showing up every year if I didn't love teaching and my students.  I'm sure as hell not walking into that classroom and fighting the good fight every day for MY benefit.  

******

Well, snow grinches...I hope you're happy.  You pushed my restraint and made me get sassy.  The nerve.

♥M

For the Love of Snow Days

There are so many reasons to LOVE "snow days"...and all the snow grinches out there try to ruin them.  Sorry though - y'all can't ruin a snow day for a teacher.  You know how exciting snow days were when you were in school?  Yeah, doesn't even come close.  You know that commercial where the kids start cheering and fist pumping when they see their school on the list of closings?  They need one that shows the teachers popping champagne bottles and throwing lesson plans in the air. (Just kidding...we would never throw our lesson plans in the air. We work entirely too hard on them for such callousness.)

These are the things I wouldn't have gotten to experience without MY much-appreciated snow days:

1. Morning snuggles in the bed with my baby girls.
2. Spending 30 minutes dressing the kids in snow gear...then playing outside for less than 15 minutes (their gloves got wet and THAT, as it turns out, is a crisis).
3. Walking into the living room and finding Daire on the couch, chillin' in a pair of leopard print pants, zebra print sunglasses...and no shirt.
4. Taking afternoon naps with the kids. ("Mommy, sleep with us!" Uh, OK!)
5. Hearing Jace, from the next room, answering Mickey Mouse on T.V.
Mickey: "Ahaha! Are these circles?"
Jace: "Heeell no! Those are triangles."
(I sincerely apologize for my bad parenting, but I was unable to confront her at the time. I wasn't confident in my ability to keep a straight face. I have "conversation about appropriate language" penciled into tomorrow's agenda, I swear.)
 6. Being able to stay up late and read "one more chapter" (i.e. 5 more chapters) in my books without feeling TOO guilty about it.
7. Having chocolate chip pancake picnics in the living room floor.
8. Not being expected to leave the house...at all. (But totally could...if we wanted to.)
9. Letting the girls eat popcorn and watch movies past their bedtime (9pm is like, midnight for them)...and pretending that it's for any other reason than getting them to sleep late.
10. And best of all, hearing the 500+ comments about how lucky I am to be a teacher,  and that people want to trade jobs so they can have snow days like I do... No problem! Let's do that and you just let me know when you want to trade back. (I especially love this comment coming from people who complain about being around their OWN kids for a flippin' snow day.)

So don't be a snow grinch!  Drive slow if you have to go out. Take extra gloves so you don't have to cry if yours get wet. Let your kids enjoy their day off without being made to feel like huge burdens. ("Gee whiz, I either have to be around you or get a sitter so I can work. The inhumanity! Arggh!!")  Whatever you do, don't complain to a teacher, though. We won't be able to hear you over our whooping and champagne bottle popping anyway.

♥M

Open to Being Propositioned...

ques·tion(kwĕs′chən) n.

1. An expression of inquiry that invites or calls for a reply.

2. A subject or point open to controversy; an issue.

3. A difficult matter; a problem: a question of ethics.

4. A proposition brought up for consideration by an assembly.

Sorry, misleading title again.  What I MEANT is that I am going to open my blog to Q&A type correspondence.  "Dear M," if you will.  Why?  Well, if you read last night's blog post, My Day By Q&A, then you know that there is something about me that inspires inquiries.  So I'm just going to run with it.  You can either personal message me on my blog's Facebook page or post a comment on the blog itself, which e-mails it directly to me.  No burning questions?  That's ok.  Feel free to check out my Facebook page anyway, and "like" it...if you like it. 

♥M

My Day By Q&A

I answer questions all day long.  I defy the person that said there is no such thing as a dumb one.  This is my effort to simulate a typical day.....just by the questions that I am forced to answer.

Morning:
Kid: Can I eat Doritos for breakfast?
Husband: Did you wash my work clothes?
Kid: Can I eat a Blow Pop for breakfast?
Husband: Are these Kid #1's socks or Kid #2's socks?
Husband: Which shoes am I supposed to put on the kids?
Husband: Where is my wallet?
Husband: Do you know where I put that piece of paper that was in my pocket 3 days ago?
Kid: Can I eat Jello for breakfast?
Kid: Can I wear your lipgloss?
Kid: Can I wear your necklace?
Kid: Can you fix my hair like yours?
Kid: Why do I have to wear this shirt?!
Husband: Do you mind if I work late today?
Kid: Can you paint my nails...right now?
Husband: Where did you put my car keys, that you would have no reason to ever put anywhere if I didn't leave them in the middle of the kitchen table every day when you're setting the table for dinner?
Kid: Can you get the cat out from under my bed?

Co-Worker: Why are you late?
Boss: Did you finish the 30 different pages of paperwork that are due tomorrow, that were given to you yesterday?
Student: Can I call my mom to bring my bookbag to school?
Student: What were we supposed to do for homework again?
Boss: Can you come by my office during the time that you would have gotten to work on that paperwork?
Student: Do you know where my morning work is that was on my desk 5 minutes ago?
Student: We had a project due today?!
Parent: Can you change this grade for no apparent reason other than I'm asking you to?
Parent: Can you excuse my child from homework for football/baseball/soccer/dance/a hangnail?
Secretary: Why isn't your attendance done yet?!

Afternoon:
Boss: Are your lesson plans on your desk?
Boss: Are your report cards ready for printing?
Boss: Are you keeping your doc logs up to date?
Student: Can I go to the nurse for the 6th time today?
Student: I don't understand this test - did we even learn this?!
Student: What time is recess?
Co-Worker: Why do you look tired?
Secretary: Did you know you have 3 meetings tomorrow?
Co-Worker: Did you know we have to stay after school today for a meeting?
Friend: Are you coming to the gym?
Husband: What time will you be done at the gym?
Babysitter: Has Daire ever bitten anyone before?

Night:
Husband: What's for dinner?
Kids: What's for dinner?
Kid: Why can't I dump spaghetti in the floor?!
Kid: Why do I have a blue cup and not a yellow cup?!
Husband: Are you going to give the kids a bath?
Kids: Why do we have to take a bath?
Kids: Why are we not allowed to dump an entire bottle of bubble bath into the tub?
Kid: Why would you be mad that we scooped half the water out of the tub and into the floor?!
Kids: Why do we have to go to bed?
Kids: Why can't we get out of the bed 36 times and play after you tuck us in?
Husband: Did you remember to pay all the bills online?
Husband: This facewash says "morning fresh," can I use it at night?
Husband: How do you feel about us moving to Alaska?
Husband: Do you think I should cut my hair?
Husband: Do you want to watch Discovery channel with me, even though I know you despise every show on this channel?
Husband: Did you go to the grocery store today?
Husband: WHAT did you buy at the grocery store today?!
Husband: Do you think we should build an underground bunker?
Husband: Where is my flashdrive that I keep somewhere different every week, and you never touch?
Husband: Did you pay the babysitter last week?
Husband: Are you waking me up when you get up to run in the morning?
Husband: Do you want to know how they make cardboard boxes?
Husband: Where is my favorite T-shirt that I wear every other day, and is always either in my drawer or the dirty laundry?
Husband: Are you done typing your blog yet?!


Happy Monday! 

♥M

The Greatest Love Story of [All] Time

 

When I took my grandfather to visit my grandmother today, I decided that instead of talking about people he didn't remember and things he had forgotten, we would talk about the one thing that means the most to him - my grandma.  I asked them to tell me how they met, dated, and got married.  This is their love story of 1959 - starring a pretty nursing school student named Myra, and an oh-so charming road design engineer named Charles.

*******************

How did you and grandma meet?
 

Grandpa: I had a date with a girl named Nancy.  I went to her house to pick her up, but she wasn't there.  Her dad said that she had already left on a date with another guy!  It made me hot, but I don't suppose I cared too much one way or another about it.  So my buddy Edsel and I decided to head to Colonial Heights - to Lakeview where the swimming hole and dance pavilion was.  When I got there, I saw a girl named Vicky that I went to high school with, so I started talking to her.  There was a girl sitting on the bench next to her, and I said to her, "Hey, you're in my seat."
 

Grandma: And I looked at the bench and said, "I don't see your name on it."
 

Grandpa: We couldn't stand each other!

  

Grandma: I didn't care if I ever saw him again.  I thought he was a big smartass.

  

Grandpa: That's funny, because that's what *I* thought!  So anyway, then she went around town telling everyone how much she looooved me and....

  

Grandma: I did not!  You had your friend, Edsel, call my roommate, Vicky, and harass her to bring "that girl" out again!

 

 Grandpa:  Well you came!

  

Why did you go if you didn't like him?!

 

 Grandma: For the hell of it.

  

Grandpa: So then 3 months later, we got married.

  

What?!  How did you go from not being able to stand each other - to getting married...in 3 months?!

 

 Grandpa: There was just something about her!

 

 Grandma: Yeah, you'd met your match.

 

 Well, where did you get married?

 

 Grandpa:  My buddy, Edsel, drove us down to North Carolina to find a preacher. 

 

 Grandma:  You had to be 21 in the state of Virginia to get married without parental consent.  I was only 19 and he was 20.  I knew my parents wouldn't give consent because I was in nursing school.  So I put on a white dress and white heels and we rode to North Carolina.

  

Where did your parents think you were?

 

 Grandma: We told them we were going to the zoo for the day.

 

 Wait...so your mama thought you were going to the zoo in a white dress and heels?

  

Grandpa: Probably not - that's just how dumb we were.

  

Grandma:  I wanted to be married in a church, so we drove until we saw a little Baptist church and stopped.  It was a Saturday, but the secretary was there and she called the preacher.  He was in the field picking butter beans, but he stopped, and drove up, and married us.

  

Then what did you do?

  

Grandpa:  I had to pay a $5 fee!

 

 Grandma:  Then we went home.  So broke we couldn't even afford a Pepsi or an order of fries on the way!

  

Grandpa:  You had me!  What'd you need food for?!

  

Did you tell anyone you got married?

  

Grandma:  No, Edsel was the only one who knew.  You had to live in the dormitory while you went to nursing school, no matter what; and you had to ask permission to get married.  I asked after the fact and got permission, but I still had to drop out because I found out I was pregnant.  At that time, you had to spend 6 months in Philadelphia for an affiliate program with the psych hospital there, and I knew I couldn't do that with a baby.

 

 What about your parents?  When did you tell them?

  

Grandpa:  I don't remember when we told mine...

  

Grandma:  I don't know when we told his parents, but I remember that Grandpa talked me into calling my mama and telling her about a month later.

  

What did you do after you left school?

 

 Grandma: We lived with your Grandpa's parents for a few months and then rented a little apartment of our own.  I had your Aunt Terri; and then a year later, had your daddy.

  

Grandpa: We ate a lot of pork-n-beans and potatoes, that's what!

 

 But I know you were a nurse, so how did you get your LPN if you dropped out of school?

 

 Grandma:  I went to work for Dr. Cohen Sr. when your daddy was 6 months old and he encouraged me to to take advantage of a new state program that offered the LPN board testing if you had been in nursing school - even if you didn't finish.  There was another girl in the office who was taking it, but she didn't want me to know about it, so she hadn't told me.

 

Why wouldn't she want you to know about it?!

  

Grandma: Probably because you had to get a 300 to pass and she got a 301...but then I got over a 700.

 

 Go on, Grammy!

  

Grandma:  I'm not bragging!  I just borrowed books and studied for a few months.

  

So whatever happened to Nancy?

  

Grandpa:  I have no clue.

 

 Grandma:  She sent some love letters to your Grandpa a few months after we got married and I called her house about it!  Her daddy answered the phone and said she wasn't there.  I told him to kindly ask his daughter to stop sending my husband love letters.  He claimed his daughter would never do such a thing and I told him he was welcome to come 'round and read them!  ...I had some hell in me when I was younger.

 

 One last question...if you lived in the dorms at nursing school...and Grandpa lived at home...and you didn't tell anyone you were married...how do you explain Aunt Terri?!

 

 Grandma: Well...........your Grandpa's parents went for long Sunday drives.  And we didn't go with them.

  

Gotcha.

 

 Grandma:  This isn't going in the church newsletter or anything is it?

 

 Nope.  Just on the Internet.

  

Grandma:  Oh, alright then.

 

 

♥M



The 20 Sexiest Things My Husband Does

In celebration of this being my 20th post (Yay!) I decided to make a Top 20 list.  This one is dedicated to MY hubs, but I'm pretty sure all the other hubs out there qualify for getting a list of their own.  Or you could just make a list of "suggestions" for them and leave it next to their wallet, if need be. Whatever the situation calls for.

 

 

The 20 Sexiest Things My Husband Does:

1. Helps me clean the house...as opposed to watching me clean, from the couch.
2. Gets up with the kids during the night just as much as I do.
3. Doesn't even bat an eyelash if I propose a girls' night out.
4. Mops the floors occasionally...without me asking.
5. Never suggests that I take the trash out.
6. Pulls the early shift with the kids and lets me sleep late (as in past 6am) on Saturday mornings.
7. Will occasionally wear a shirt that I know he HATES, but he knows I LOVE.
8. Notices if my hair is styled differently than usual.
9. Lets me have the "good" chocolate out of the Halloween candy.
10. Plays with our kids...and enjoys it.
11. Laughs at my jokes...even the super dumb ones.
12. Holds my hand when we're walking.
13. Surprises me sometimes with something that he knows I either love, or really wanted, but wouldn't buy for myself.
14. Watches my favorite T.V. show with me, even though he HATES it.
15. Calls or texts me just to ask how my day is going every now and then.
16. Starts my car and scrapes the windshield for me when it's super cold in the morning...without me even asking.
17. Gets along with my family.
18. Defends me if someone is treating me badly.
19. Drives on long trips so I can put my feet up on the dashboard and read my Kindle.
20. Comes home with wine and a Redbox movie for a post kid-bedtime date night.

I'm not saying that he does all of these things every day; but I AM saying that he does them, I recognize them, and I appreciate them.

As a side note:  It's never a bad idea to tell your husband "Thanks!" when he does something without you asking....then he'll usually be in more generous mood later when you DO ask for something (you know you will).  Just a thought...*wink*

Also, in closing, sorry to have slightly misled you with the word "sex" in the title.  This was probably not the kind of list you thought it was going to be.  However, when you have been together for a while and have a few kids....this IS what's sexy. 

Happy list writing! ;)

♥M

High on Aspiration, Low on Ability...Part 2


So when we last left off (High on Aspiration, Low on Ability), I had begun "training" for the Rugged Maniac coming up this Spring.  I am proud to say that Week #1 was as close to a smashing success as it gets for me.  I logged a running total of 7.1 miles for the week and only hurt  myself ONCE doing it!  7.1 miles in one week is a total joke to you marathoners, but I'm fairly certain that if you totaled the number of miles I've ever run in my entire life before last week....it probably wouldn't be much more than that.

Then it snowed.  I was tough about the 5:30am crap, the cold weather, and I even got right up and kept running when I fell and scraped my knees, but snow?!  My level of dedication is not, nor will probably ever be, THERE.  So I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill.  It was awful.  Do you know how freakin' coordinated you have to be to run in place while the ground is moving beneath you?!  I almost ate it when I tried to drink some water while still slow-jogging!  Seriously, it gave me nightmares. 

In other words, Week #2 was a whopping misfortune as far as "training" went.  I logged a wee total of 2 miles running and even managed to injure myself again.  I got excited when I fell last week - not because I did it with all the grace of a drunken gazelle, but because I thought "Oh, Thank God! I got the obligatory injury out of the way and it was only as bad as some scrapes!" 

Apparently, I'm striving to make this a weekly tradition, however.  Today, I pulled a muscle in my right shoulder blade....trying to work out my abs.  I really can't give you any explanation that would help you make sense out of that.  I'm still trying to pan out for myself what happened.  That's just what becomes of you when you get fancy and attempt adding stuff to your routine.  Jillian Michaels, I am NOT.

So that's my real inspiration of an update.  I'm still running low on the ability scale, but maintaining a good amount of the aspiration.  Assuming that I don't end up in a body cast, I'll be sure to keep you apprised of my calisthenic catastrophes.  At least I have people who love me and support me enough to send me helpful links like this (I kid you not, my friend text me this and I LOST it):

See how easy it is?  You only have to remember to do TWELVE things at one time while you're running?!  *Sigh*  Regardless, I am determined to train myself to KEEP GOING, even when it's hard.  If I can apply this to every other area in life, then why not apply it to running?

♥M

What Does the 3-Year-Old Say?

 

I sat down with my 3-year-old today and asked her some questions, just to see what she would say.  It was illuminating to say the least.  The most enjoyable thing about the whole process was how much she basked in my undivided attention, making me realize that I really need to take the time and add some effort into having REAL conversations with her...beyond just asking her how her day went.

*********************

Can we play a game where I ask you questions and write down what you say?  It's called "doing an interview."
Ok, Mommy.  Like a writing game?

Exactly.  Can you tell me what makes you happy?
Tigers.

Really.  What about them?
Because the mama tigers have baby tigers and they are sooooo cute.  And I can feed them.

You aren't scared that they would bite you?
No!  The mama tiger would just tell the baby tiger "No biting!"

I'll be sure to keep an eye on you at the zoo...  What about things that make you sad?
I cry when my sister takes stuff from me.

Yes, I know, loudly.  Why do you think she does that?
Because SHE is sad that I have something and she doesn't.

That's very insightful.  And also why Mommy buys two of everything.  You have a birthday coming up soon!  What do you think will be different about being 4 years old?
Ummmm...maybe I will sing on a stage in front of people.  Hey, Daire's not going to be 4.  Just me.

Yes, you will always be 2 years older than her.  What else can 4 -year-olds do that 3-year-olds can't?
Eat cookies a lot, probably.  And have parties.

Maybe we should watch less Disney channel.
I have to go potty.

*Potty Break*

So who do you think is the coolest person in the whole world?
You, Mommy!

Good answer.  What makes me so cool?
You just know lots of people.

Like who?
Uncle Josh.

So I'm cool because I know Uncle Josh?
Yup.

Interesting.  What do you want to be when you grow up?
A grown up.

Naturally.  What kind of job do you want to have?
Homework, like you.  And to go to school every day, like you.

So you want to be a teacher?
Yes, I want to teach big kids at school.

We'll talk more about that life choice later.  Do you want to get married when you grow up?
Yup, to my Daddy.

But I'm already married to Daddy.
I know that.  You can just go marry someone else though.  I will miss you, but you'll just have to find another person.

You seem to have put an alarming amount of thought into kicking me out one day.  Moving on...can you tell me where God lives?
At home.

Where's that?
Probably in like, a really old, old, old school.

I thought he lived in Heaven?
That's what I said.

Right.  How do you get there?
You can just drive your car and stuff.

I thought you got to Heaven by asking Jesus to live in your heart?
I know that already.

Ok, so how does Jesus get in your heart?
He just knows people.

We obviously need to start getting to church in time for Sunday School.  Here's a hard one - Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
With chickens in my ears.

WHAT?!
I don't know?!

Too heavy of a question?
Yeah, because I don't even know what you are talking about.  I don't know people like Jesus does!

Let's take a nap.  You're delirious.
Just stop talking to me.

Love...With or Without the Memories


Tonight, for the very first time, my grandfather didn't know who I was. 

When he first started displaying Dementia symptoms, I would have to remind him WHICH granddaughter I was, but never before have I had to tell him that I AM his granddaughter.  I was visiting my grandmother in the hospital and he was sitting on the other side of her, watching me talk, with his head cocked to one side.  Finally, he said "I know your speech patterns....and your voice....but I don't know who you are."  I smiled and said "That's Ok Grandpa, it's me, M.  My hair is different today."  And a little piece of my heart fissured behind my smile, but not just for me.  For him - because every time that happens (when he has to admit that he can't remember something) there's this small flash of something that darts across his face and makes my heart bleed.  It's some horrible combination of sadness, frustration, shame, and sometimes even fear.  He KNOWS that he was supposed to already know the answer to whatever he just asked you, and he had to humble himself enough to ask it anyway.

Does it hurt to have to tell your grandparent who you are?  Yes.  But I have to imagine that it sucks a whole lot worse to be the one asking people.  Imagine that you get in your car, start driving,  then forget where you were going...and don't know where you are...or how to get home.  Or that you get to work and they tell you that you don't work there anymore - don't you remember?  Or that you're visiting someone and while you're there, you can't remember who they are, how you know them, or how you got there.  Or that you have a row of medicine in front of you and you know it's important that you take the right pills, but you don't know what day it is or if you already took medicine today or not.  Personally, I think that sounds like a daily living hell.

Now, since we agree that having Dementia would be like a nightmare that you can't wake up from, let's ask this:  Why do we get impatient when someone with Dementia needs us to repeat something?  Why do we feel the need to correct them constantly?  (Noooo, your husband/wife died 10 years ago.  Noooo, your daughter lives in Texas now.  Noooo, you don't live at home any more.)  What's the point?!  They're going to ask again in ten minutes!  Do you really need to upset them every 10 minutes?!  For Pete's sake, if you get bored repeating yourself then make up something new!  Tell them you work for NASA and just got back from space.  Or use an Australian accent and tell them you just got back from your last modeling job in Paris.  You'll have fun and they'll be entertained, rather than upset and depressed about all the crap you're telling them that they're supposed to be remembering about you (whoever the hell you are...).

With that being said, the second reason my heart cracked was for my grandmother. She's in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit, hooked up to 20 machines, and yet she repeated herself as many times as he asked anything. And every time she said it, she answered him like it was the first time...every single time.  They've been together 54 years and have never been apart.  It causes me physical pain to watch them together and hear in my head (on repeat) - "What would it be like to spend 54 years giving my heart, my soul, and my body to the man I love.....then have to start waking up every morning wondering if today's going to be the day that he doesn't recognize me anymore."  (If you're crying right now, that's ok...so am I...like a baby.)

In this family, we don't sit around moping about such things, however, so I will not end my post on a sad note.  My grandfather might not know whether I'm M the School Teacher, Natalie the Nurse, or Dora the Explorer, but he still has his sense of humor and I plan on making many more great memories with him while I'm blessed enough to have him around. 

As we left the hospital today, he said "It's cold outside.  I'm not sure why I didn't bring my coat."  My Dad told him that he left it in the car.  "Well, that was foolish.  It's definitely not summer out here."  We told him it was January.  "Is it? Well...I guess all the damn snow on the ground should have been a clue, huh?"  And then we all laughed and joked about it.  Because that's what you do when life gets hard, you smile about what might happen tomorrow...not cry about what happened today or yesterday - especially if one of you doesn't remember today or yesterday anyway!  *wink*


♥M

Thank You Letter to My Mom

I found this letter recently and thought I would share it.  I wrote this to my mom back when I was pregnant with kid #1, and thought the world should know what a great lady she is.  Also, it turns out that I can predict the future with frightening accuracy.

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Dear Mom,

        Do you remember that curse that you put on me?  The one where you said that “one day” you hoped I’d have a daughter and she’d be just like me?  Well, I am beginning to fear that that day is dangerously near…

       Before Jace arrives and I can only think to blame you and the curse for my reaping of what I have sowed, I wanted to tell you all of the things that I feel you deserve thanks for.  The things that you may not have even known you were doing for me or dreamed that I would one day appreciate.  This is my Thank You letter for you being such an unbelievably, undeniably, awesome mom.

        Thank you for telling Grandma and Grandpa that you really didn’t think it was in our best interest that they show up every Christmas with three trash bags full of presents each.  Thank you for not paying my cell phone bill in high school, not buying me a car when I turned 16, and not paying the insurance on the one I eventually saved up for and bought.  Thank you for not paying my college tuition or for my apartment rent.  And just when you may be starting to think that I’m being sarcastic - thank you for making me earn the things I had; which in turn taught me to appreciate them even more.  I like to think that by you not spoiling us with “stuff” and “things,” that I, at least, did not turn out to be a monster.  I will not speak for my siblings.  (Just joking...)

       Thank you for teaching me to work things out on my own and to stand up for myself, rather than to blame others or point the finger every time I had a problem.  Thank you for refusing to buy into pity-parties and instead, always encouraging me to find the silver lining, to look at things a different way, or to just push through.  Thank you for not teaching me to respond to ugliness with more ugliness.  Thank you for teaching me that if someone was mean to me, to feel sorry for them, rather than to be like them.

       Thank you for not letting us have friends over until we cleaned our room.  Thank you for going in after us and pulling everything back out from under the bed and making us do it again.  We insisted you were evil, but “Do it right the first time” did eventually stick.

 Thank you for not letting our friends come over if we fought with each other either.  Raven, Josh, and I are probably closer than any other siblings we’ve ever known and we only have you to thank for our special bond and genuine friendship. 

       Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader, even though I rarely made a basket on the basketball court, usually watched the ball sail by me on the volleyball court, and mostly just got beat up by my sensei in Karate class.  Thank you for teaching me that it was okay to fail the first time; as long as that wasn’t the last time I tried. 

        Thank you for making me change my clothes before we left the house when I tried to mimic fashion I’d seen on MTV.  Thank you for not letting me wear blue eye shadow and red lipstick.  Thank you for not letting me date until I was 16.  Thank you for giving me a curfew.  Thank you for always making a point to speak to my friends’ parents when we made plans (even if I did accuse you of being “the only parent on the planet that does this to their child”).  Thanks to your guidance and wisdom, I made it through high school with a clean reputation, no chips on my shoulder, and a strong moral sense of right and wrong, all fully intact…I sincerely apologize for college. 

       Thank you for helping me to become the adult that I am.  I know that it’s got to be weird to see your baby girl grown up, graduated from college, teaching school, married, with a house, two dogs, a cat and a baby girl of her own on the way.  I can’t wait for Jace to get here, and not just for me, but for you - because I can only imagine that after the sweat and tears that you have invested in my childhood, you are greatly looking forward to the sweet revenge of being Grandma!

       I can only hope that I’ve made you proud here and there along the way, and that I can continue to do so.  I am sure that the biggest Thank-yous of all are still to come, as once again (or rather, still) you will offer your guidance and wisdom as I try to figure out being a mom myself.  You’ve always been there, and I know you always will.  Actually, the only thing I could think of that I’d rather be than your daughter, is your grand-daughter, because I am imagining that there will probably be a whole different set of rules for her…

 

Finally, I truly hope, Mom, that I can do you the ultimate justice of being just like you.  My wish is to be as great of a mom to Jace, as you were to me.  I love you.

 Your Grateful Daughter,

 
                         ♥M

What Getting Greedy Gets You

 

Today, I did something that I know better than to do.  It all started with a check-up at the pediatrician's office for the youngest...then turned into a lunch date with the hubs on his break....and then we needed a new faucet in the kitchen because ours busted this morning...and then I couldn't go home without new throw pillows for the couch.  The kids were just behaving so beautifully, that I temporarily lost my mind.  I got greedy.  Parents know what all good gamblers know:  When it's going good, get out before it goes bad.  I know this rule.  I try to follow this rule.  I'm just really bad at gambling.

I was surprised at how smoothly the doctor's appointment went.  This made me cocky, so the kids brought me down a notch at lunch with all the standard restaurant shenanigans.  There was nothing that I couldn't wield a distraction or a bribe at though, so I'm still feeling pretty sure of myself at this point.  Mistake #1 went down here, though.  I let the oldest order lemonade at lunch.  She only gets milk or water usually, so NATURALLY she guzzled the stuff like they were going to quit making it any second. 

On her third "I gotta pee!!!" trip, we were in Home Depot and walked past rugs.  Rugs made me remember that we bought a new rug for the living room.  Which made me remember that we bought the rug because I had bought new curtains.  Which made me remember that both the rug and the curtains were in a a closet because I refused to use them until I had throw pillows to match.  Since I only go shopping about once every other month I still don't have throw pillows.  I need throw pillows.  Right now.

At the next store, I am informed by the sales clerk that the color I want is not "in" right now.  Now I have been challenged.  No matter that I have already bribed my small children with lemonade (resulting in two more trips to the bathroom at this point).  I am now buying them a chocolate chip cookie because I promised them popcorn if they behaved... and the blessed popcorn machine is broken, BUT they have cookies right there, eye-level at the stinkin' counter.

The girls were still being GOOD, though.  THIS is when I should have quit while the quitting was good.  THIS is when I got greedy.  "I think we should go home now, y'all haven't had a nap and we've been out a long time," is what I said.  "We're not tired, Mom.  We promise to be good," is what the oldest kid says.  So because I'm an awesome parent, and take advice from my 3 1/2 yr. old, I went to "one more store." 

The phrase "one more store" is synonymous with "the kiss of shopping death."  Horrible things happened in that last store.  We made it out, however, and with me still feeling like I had a good grip on things...and myself.  The bags are in the car (no pillows - I don't even want pillows anymore), the kids are buckled into their seats, and then I hear..."I gotta pee!"

You'll be relieved to know that all of us made it home.  I thought I had suffered enough to keep me from repeating my mistake for a while, but karma saw fit to continue punishing me...lest I forget my sins.  I mean, what did I expect?  They have not had a nap.  I did this to myself. 

I survived dinner by grinding my teeth and playing classical music in my head.  Even when I was simultaneously being shouted at by the hubs to "Come hold this faucet in place while I tighten it!" and by the kids "I'm too tired to feed myself!  Mooooooom! Come feed me!"  (What?!)  I kept my grip on sanity.  The second they finished eating, though, I stuck them in the bathtub, told the hubs "Don't let them drown," and went outside to sit on the porch.  I needed a time-out.

I was outside for nearly an entire 3 minutes when James flung the door open, announced "Daire pooped in the tub," and walked away.  This is when I lost it... I started laughing - hysterically.  Of course she pooped in the tub!  Why in the hell WOULDN'T she poop in the tub right now?! 

After I finished scooping poop out of the drain, scrubbing the bathtub, and re-bathing the kids, my phone rang.  I'm off tomorrow for a snow day.  Apparently, my debt to karma has been paid.  Thank you, baby Jesus.

♥M

6 Things You Didn't Expect To Miss Doing Alone

Have you ever watched a movie about someone stranded on a deserted island and thought, "Mmmm...that sounds nice."  If so, then you probably have kids.  You love them every second with every fiber of yourself, but that long-gone memory of personal space...well, it can make you wistful at times.  Somehow, these days, EVERYTHING manages to turn into a group project...

6 Things You Didn't Expect To Miss Doing Alone:

1. Any and all acts of basic hygiene  This covers bathing, showering, going to the bathroom, applying deodorant, blow drying your hair, putting on makeup....if it happens in the bathroom, then it is now a spectator sport...in the sense that the spectators get really involved and want to participate.  If you've ever applied mascara with one hand and used the other hand (and sometimes a foot) to stop a kid from eating your lip gloss, unwrapping all of your tampons, and squirting toothpaste in the toilet at the same time....you can probably relate.

2. Cleaning  It almost seems pointless to even do it sometimes, and when you do clean you almost need a Valium by the time you're done.  You sweep the floor and they kick your pile of dirt.  You vacuum and they grind cookies into the rug.  You fold things and they immediately unfold them.  You clean the mirrors and they wipe boogers on them.  It's an Olympic sport and it isn't for the short tempered.  We play a fun game at my house where I warp-speed unload the dishwasher while catching things in midair because my littlest helper is tossing them to the floor at the same time. (I used to just put the baby gate up, but she's what you'd call a "climber.")  The real name of the cleaning game is "distraction," and the best players spend an equal amount of time creating distractions as they do cleaning. 

3. Talking on the phone  Gone are the days where I could just pick the phone up and call someone.  I now have to ask myself three questions before attempting to make a phone call.  One - Is it truly necessary (i.e. would a text suffice)?  Two - Is it time sensitive (i.e. can it wait until bedtime)?  And finally, three - is it someone who will think less of me after hearing me threaten physical violence upon my children so that I can hear what they are saying?

4. Doing anything that involves paper and/or a writing utensil  Writing a grocery list?  Paying a bill?  Doing paperwork for your job?  Reading something?  Opening the mail?  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!  And don't be stupid and offer them a coloring book and crayon as some crap substitute for whatever is in YOUR hands. 

5. Eating YOUR food  As a parent, you practically become a dumpster diver at meals.  You end up eating their leftovers...after they eat YOUR food.  (Whatever you put on your plate is obviously way better than what you put on theirs, so just give it up.)  Not that you have time to eat until you're cleaning up anyway, because you spent the whole meal wiping up spills, retrieving dropped utensils, and striking bargains for "how many more bites."  If you get brave enough to attempt snacking, be prepared for an attack.  I have actually used a pair of scissors to cut open a chip bag before so they wouldn't come running when they heard the cellophane wrapper...and James has been known to hide in the laundry room when he wants to eat a Swiss cake roll in peace.

6. Sleeping in YOUR bed  I have met a handful of parents that claim to have never allowed their children into their beds.  These people either practice black magick or are lying.  If my kid is screaming at 2:30am and the only way to get them back to sleep is in my bed, then bring it.  Unfortunately, this can create a chain reaction of bed crashing until either my husband or myself end up in a kid's bed or on the couch.  Are we huge suckers?  Yes... but it's a small price to pay for being the hero of nightmares.  Or so I tell myself.

♥M

10 Tips on How To Fight Fair

Notice that I didn't say "How to NOT fight."  Getting into arguments with your spouse is inevitable.  When you get married,  you become permanent roommates...for better or for worse.  There is no way around sharing your space, your calendar, your possessions, the chores, the raising of children, and the spending of money without a fight breaking out here and there.  What makes the difference is whether you choose healthy ways to handle it when you disagree...or not so healthy ways.  Here are some guidelines that I try to follow....key word is TRY.

1. Sharing is caring.  We learned in Kindergarten that we have to share our stuff, yes, but what you're thinking and feeling is also pretty important.  You cannot expect your spouse to read your mind...then be mad because he or she didn't.  What is obvious to you, is definitely NOT always so obvious to others.  The shelf that you asked your husband to hang 6 weeks ago probably glares at you from it's dusty corner daily....and he probably hasn't noticed it in 5 weeks and 6 days.  So will he be a little surprised when you snap and throw a pot of spaghetti at him for asking if you remembered to buy stamps today?  Yeah, he probably will.

2.  It's not always what you say, but HOW you say it.  You know you know this.  We all know this.  Why is it just so HARD to remember it?!  I have found that clamping my mouth shut and counting to at least 5 really helps.  And not just with my husband, but with my kids and my students as well.  That way, when I answer the SAME question for the 657th time in one day...it comes out sounding a lot more like the ever-patient Robin from Winnie the Pooh, and a lot less like I need an exorcism.

3. The past is the past...leave it there!  This is another hard one.  Really though, how MANY times can you fight about the same thing?  And how MANY times can you turn a new fight into one that is actually now about an old one?  The answer is MANY times.  There is no trick here other than to just stop it.  Stop in the middle of your sentence if you have to.  Cold. Turkey. Quit. 

4. Do not involve third parties.  Unless you need someone to make sure that you don't start beating the crap out of each other, please just keep it to yourselves.  Dragging someone else in for "backup" or to try and prove a point is not only immature, it's embarrassing for that person.  Unless the two of you are sitting in front of a licensed therapist, then no one else should be present and eating popcorn while y'all hash out your issues.

5. Do not fight in public or in front of the kids.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  For one thing, you are embarrassing yourself AND your family if you turn every argument into a live version of Jerry Springer.  For another thing, even if you ARE in the privacy of your home, but your kids can hear you...you might as well be duking it out in public.  Besides the fact that you're definitely causing them major stress (NOT fair to them), they are going to repeat what they have heard and it WILL be a much more alarming version when they tell it.

6. No name calling!  C'mon, what are we, 5?!  (This covers telling your wife she is just like her mom, as well.  Don't do that.  There is no coming back from that.)

7. Don't interrupt.  When someone is angry, interrupting them is a guaranteed way to make them angrier.  Just let them get it out, and when they are done they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say.  Talking over top of someone is talking AT them, not talking TO them.  Plus, it's just rude.

8. Don't use each other as punching bags.  While you shouldn't actually punch each other either, what I mean is this: don't take stuff out on the hubs or wifey that they have nothing to do with. The temptation here is to unload on your spouse because you know that they will forgive you later.  Just because you couldn't punch your boss in the face for being a jerk today, doesn't mean you should come home and pick a fight with your wife about how much she spends on her hair, or with the hubs about how many days in a row he left his dirty clothes in the bathroom floor.

9. Do not use "always" or "never"....ever.  This will bite you in the tail every time.  Sure as you say "You always...." or "You never..." they will throw an example to the contrary right in your face.  Now your point has been lost and you are just a big exaggerator. 

10. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Saying things that you don't mean in the heat of an argument can cause real, and irreparable damage.  My favorite example is this: Throw some eggs in the floor.  Tell them you're sorry.  Are they still broken? 

The main point in all of this is that it's not ever about who is right or who is wrong. (I know - what?!)  It's about how you both feel when you walk away from the fight.  Do you feel better?  Or do you feel worse?  Do you feel like you listened and got listened to?  Was the focus on whose "fault" it all is or on how to fix it?  Did you "win" only by hurting your spouse and sending the message that their feelings don't really matter? 

If you really love someone, then it shouldn't matter who "wins" or "loses" because you're supposed to be on the same team...right?

♥M

10 Minutes in the Mind of My 21-Month Old

Haven't we all stared at our kids thinking, "WHAT is going on in there?"  If I had to guess, this would be a close snapshot of my youngest's inner workings...

10 Minutes in the Mind of My 21-Month Old:

“Where’s mom?  Not in her bedroom.  That means the jewelry box is fair game.  I wonder how many earrings I can get in my mouth before she… There she is! What’s in my mouth, you say?  Nothing!  Yes, fine, I’ll spit them into your hand.  Noooo, I wasn’t going to SWALLOW them!  Your insult to my intelligence has angered me.  I will now slap the earrings from your hand, woman.  Timeout?!  Pssshh.  Oh, she’s counting.  Quick!  Before she gets to three!  Not too quick though...I’m still mad.  Sitting…Sitting…Sitting….Are those BANANAS I see on the kitchen counter?!  I want one!  Mom’s not looking.  Run! Climb the bar stool, slide onto the kitchen counter, crawl to the fruit basket… SCORE!  I wish I knew how to peel these things.  Oh well, I’ll just bite through the peeling.  Oh, here comes mom – why is she running?  Hey mom, can you peel this?  Thanks.  Oh, I have to SIT and eat it?  Alright, alright.  Eating…eating…eating… Where’s my sister?  There she is…DOING A PUZZLE?!  Without me?!  I’ll fix that.  Throw the banana to the floor, climb down from the bar stool, retrieve the banana, run over to the puzzle happenings…DESTROY PUZZLE!  Why is she screaming?  Here, take this banana, and shut it.  What do you mean it’s smushy?  Duh.  It’s been thrown on the floor.  Plus, I had to hold it real tight while I was stomping on your puzzle.  Did mom say timeout again?!  My sister is such a snitch!  Sitting…sitting…sitting… What’s that sound?!  Is that the CAT?!  I have not tackled that cat ALL DAY!  Running…looking….what was I looking for?  I’m hungry.  Where’s mom?  I want some crackers.  Thanks mom.  You’re alright, for such a bossy lady.  I wonder how many of these goldfish crackers I can crush with my fingers and sprinkle on the couch before I get caught?  One…two…three… This is taking too long.  I’ll just dump the whole bowl out.  Is my sister tattling AGAIN?!”

Like I said though, just a guess.

♥M

Things All Moms Know...But Won't Tell You When You're Pregnant

This is a list of things that I'm fairly certain people knew, and didn't tell me while I was pregnant for the first time, because they were trying to be nice.  (Which is ridiculous because they don't mind telling you how huge you are, how swollen your face is, or how horrendous THEIR pregnancy was...) 

My school of thinking is this:  you need to know this stuff NOW, so that you don't think there's something horribly awry with your postpartum experience.  There's enough to be insecure about those first days (weeks... months...), without thinking you're all alone in what you're going through!

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Things all moms know, but won’t tell you when you’re pregnant….

1. You WILL get pooped on. (And peed on. And thrown up on. And sometimes all on the same day.)  In fact, most of your life will revolve around those 3 things from now on.

2.   You will feel annoyed when the baby wakes you up.  I don’t know what saint out there set the standard for patience, but the 3^rd or 4^th time they wake you up in one night, it’s ok to cry a little yourself before you get up.  

3.   Your kid will get hurt.  He will bump his head, shut his finger in a drawer, and maybe even fall off of something before the age of one.  It happens.  You lose 5 years off your life every time it does (especially when you’re RIGHT THERE?!) but it doesn’t make you a bad mom.  If anyone says it does ask them if their kid’s ever had a bruise.  That’s what I thought.

4.   You and the hubs will fight.  You’ve created a precious new life and it’s been a very “romantic” concept up to this point.  You’ve daydreamed and imagined what your baby would be like together.  Then you give birth and you’re both in love and in awe of this tiny person.  Then you go home...and you start getting on each other’s NERVES.  Whose turn is it to change the poop diaper?  Whose turn is it to get up at night?  Just know that once you start getting sleep again (as opposed to being cranky zombies) you will magically start to get along better.  Which leads me to…

5.  GO ON DATES!  (I know, I know, I need to take my own advice too.)  You and the hubs MUST still have some alone time.  Sometimes you won’t even realize how bad you just needed a dinner with your husband until you DO IT!  (dinner, I mean… *mischievous face*)

6.  Some days, no matter how much goes right…or wrong…or wronger….you will just feel like a crappy mom.  You will beat yourself up.  You will take every little thing personal.  You will think crazy things like “Does this kid even like me?!” or “I will never get to sleep again. Never.”  It’s ok.  That’s why God made wine and bathtubs.  And “Daddy Duty.”

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None of this is to scare you or to take away from how magical of an experience this truly is.  I only wanted to share with you the things that made me worry whether I was “normal” or “a bad mom” after I had my babies.  Everyone is different and everyone’s experiences are unique.  There is, however, one thing that is ALWAYS true…your world is about to get turned upside down.  And that’s not always a bad thing.  You will experience a new kind of love that you won’t remember how you lived without.  You will also amaze yourself at how natural being a mom becomes.  That doesn’t mean you won’t have to Google stuff or call your mom in a panic for advice sometimes.  Loving your baby, though, will be the easiest, most wonderful thing you will ever do with your life.

Good Luck Mama!

♥M

Shhhh...Just Smile

If you are lucky enough to have a husband who feels inclined to pitch in around the house, then you probably know that it is indeed possible to simultaneously feel both grateful and exasperated.  Allow me to illustrate what I'm speaking of, in case you are not as "lucky" of a lady:

Have you ever opened your kitchen cabinet, after your hubby helped put dishes away...

Or maybe you went to fix the kids a drink, and discovered...

If you're really lucky, he'll even fold the load of towels you washed - AND put them away!

He's done so much already, but still feeling helpful, he puts all the kids' books back on their bookshelf for you...

And because he knows how rushed you are in the morning, he even fixed your daughter's hair today...

And most helpful of all, he got the kids dressed for you too!  He had a little trouble with matching the outfits (what with the shirts and pants being pre-folded together and all).  He knows how much you always enjoy going back and refolding clothes, though, so he was sure to leave all the drawers ready for you later...

Do you have to rearrange your cabinets, refold the towels, straighten up the bookshelf, redo your daughter's hair, and refold all of the kids' clothes?  You could.  OR you could just say "Thanks, hon!" and SMILE...because you ARE lucky.  Your husband helped around the house and took care of the kids!  He just did it HIS way...not YOURS.

Also, I feel it's worth pointing out that if you DO "go there" and criticize his efforts, there are only two ways for that to play out:

1. An argument and his feelings end up hurt.  You look mean.

2. An argument and you end up doing everything yourself.  This was his plan all along.  You got played.

So the next time 'ol hubs does something that was probably intended to be helpful, just kiss his cheek and say "Thanks!"  He'll probably be suspicious the first few times, but eventually he'll relax and feel puffed up enough that you could probably talk him into a new pair of shoes or something. 

Good luck, ladies!

♥M