Space Wars

Why do married people have to live together?  I mean, who started that?  I get sharing a house, I suppose, but a ROOM?!  It's too much.

I used to think that the hubs and I just needed more space.  If we had a bigger house, we could spread out more and fight less about what to do with each inch of wall space, what angle each picture frame should be at, and where I am or am not allowed to place a clock. 

Then I realized...it's not the house.

We are both very affected by our environments.  We agree that knick knacks are the devil, and antiques make us itchy.  That's where the similarities end.  Agree on a paint swatch?  Never.  Pick curtains out together?  Please, God, no.

This is what the hubs wants the house to look like:

I could be exaggerating, but I'm not entirely sure.  He doesn't like anything on the walls, floor, or taking up space.  This eliminates decorations, furniture, and pretty much all signs of life, sooooo....

 

 

This is what I want the house to look like:

Despite his accusations, I am neither tacky nor driven to cover the walls with nail holes.  I might get tired of those white walls, though....

 

 

It doesn't really matter WHAT we want, though, because this is what the house actually looks like:

Ok, it's not THAT bad...but that's what it feels like sometimes.

 

 

So really, it's only ever pointless (for now) to ever argue about what WE want the house to look like.  The kids took over.  All of the stuff that I begged to hang on the walls is gone and there are pictures of them hanging up now.  Everything that was on our living room bookshelves is in boxes in the attic - it's full of toys now.  (THEIR bookshelf was already full of THEIR books, duh.)  Our coffee table drawers have puzzles in them now...I don't even remember what I kept in those.  Our DVDs are in the attic and have been replaced with Disney movies and Baby Einstein.  My scrapbook gear got packed up and my craft drawers are full of Hello Kitty coloring books, safety scissors and scented magic markers. 

 

The joke was on us. 

 

One day, however, there won't be Barbie shoes to step on in the hallway, Legos sticking out from under my refrigerator, doll clothes in the laundry hamper, or crayons melted on the heating vents.  And I will miss those things.  I will look around at all of my "grown up" stuff that is now safe from being destroyed, used as weapons, or causing safety hazards... such as anything glass, scented candles, anything with batteries or moving parts, decorative items that cost more than $5.00... and I will sigh wistfully.  I will wish there was a sticky spot on my entertainment cabinet to wipe away, puzzle pieces in the floor to pick up, or a hula hoop to trip over by the front door. 

 

I suppose I shall find comfort in still having the hubs around to argue with.  We can revive the traditions of going behind each other and moving things on a shelf an inch to the left, throwing away ugly rugs when the other one isn't home, and lamenting over the drawer handles being a stainless vs. brushed nickel finish to our hearts content.

 

♥M

 

Another Crazy Love Story (Part II)

Part II: The Honeymoon Phase

We might not have had a storybook romance leading up to the wedding, but the honeymoon was perfect.  Sand, sun, drinks, bonfires, sunset cruises...it was perfect.  Well, mostly.

You have to consider that we'd been together for 3 years, and 2 of those years were long distance.  So while we loved each other intensely, we were also used to a certain amount of space... and living in separate towns.  Needless to say, eating, sleeping, and breathing the same air for a solid week became a challenge.  I think it was about Day 6 or so that I actually threw my ring at his head on the way back from the hot tub.  It was obviously something super important and worth throwing my ring over, since I don't even remember what it was.

Then we came home and had the excitement of our first house to keep us busy.  James had spent months gutting and renovating it, and while it wasn't quite complete (we brushed our teeth in the kitchen sink for a while), it was OURS.  Problem is, you can't take two larger-than-life personalities, mash them together in holy matrimony, dump them in an 800-square-foot house in a Mayberry town, and there NOT be fireworks.  Oh, the fireworks.

We are so different and yet so alike, that it's honestly just scary.  We're both loud and fun. (Fun? Or obnoxious....hmmm....guess that depends on YOU. haha)  We're both compassionate.  And at 21 and 22 years old, we were both selfish and stubborn.  (In other words...we were 21 and 22 years old.)  The first year was spent with our horns locked, debating pretty much everything from how to properly load a dishwasher, to what brand of laundry detergent we should use, to who got to pick the paint color for the spare bedroom (since we were OBVIOUSLY not going to agree on one).  Sidenote: no one ever even saw the spare bedroom because we kept it full of boxes until we turned it into a nursery...and repainted it.  Soooo glad we made a big deal out of the original paint color.

My favorite example of how ridiculous we were is called "The Home Depot Incident."  Yes, it has a title.  And yes, our friends know exactly what we're talking about when we cite it. 

Our new house needed a new front door.  No problem, let's go get one.  The problem - we almost got divorced right in the middle of Home Depot over which door to get.  I was determined to have Door A.  James was refusing to concede, and loading Door B onto a cart.  Not to be thwarted, I procured my own cart.

"Put Door A on this cart!"
"I will not.  We're getting Door B!"

I made a fool of myself trying to put the damn thing on the cart alone, then stomped off to find help.  I returned with a guy who put the door on the cart...while James pretended like he didn't know me.  I started towards the checkout line when James sealed his fate:

"You are NOT buying that door."

Ha!  We glared at each other from separate checkout lines.  We attracted some stares in the parking lot as we angrily shoved our respective carts out of the door....and to the same vehicle.  We stood at the back of the truck and finished duking it out until James went and returned one of the doors.  Here's the funniest part - we don't remember which door we got.  I cannot tell you, right now, who "won" and whether we got Door A or Door B.  Again, super important argument.

And yet, here we are.  We're still loud and fun (or obnoxious, whatever)...just at tea parties under the kitchen table now, not sorority socials or field parties.  We're still compassionate...probably more so with other people than with each other, though. (Oh, you had a long day?  So sorry...are you going to change that poop diaper while I'm cooking dinner?)  We should work on that.  That's the beauty of it though, we have a lot to work on but we're not scared to take it on anymore.  We had to quit trying to force everything onto the other one, and just grow up together.  That blog post, 10 Tips on How To Fight Fair?  Yeah, that's all from experience....with doing the WRONG things.  If you don't try - even if you mess up - then you don't learn. 

In my opinion, the honeymoon phase propaganda is a crock.  There's nothing magical about learning all of each other's annoying habits and having to share your stuff...every day.  But if you make it through to the other side, then...you've earned your anniversary, my friend. 

So here's to sleepovers with my best friend every night for the rest of my life!  (Even if he does have a really annoying habit of yanking the comforter off of me while he's sleeping.)

♥M

10 Tips on How To Fight Fair

Notice that I didn't say "How to NOT fight."  Getting into arguments with your spouse is inevitable.  When you get married,  you become permanent roommates...for better or for worse.  There is no way around sharing your space, your calendar, your possessions, the chores, the raising of children, and the spending of money without a fight breaking out here and there.  What makes the difference is whether you choose healthy ways to handle it when you disagree...or not so healthy ways.  Here are some guidelines that I try to follow....key word is TRY.

1. Sharing is caring.  We learned in Kindergarten that we have to share our stuff, yes, but what you're thinking and feeling is also pretty important.  You cannot expect your spouse to read your mind...then be mad because he or she didn't.  What is obvious to you, is definitely NOT always so obvious to others.  The shelf that you asked your husband to hang 6 weeks ago probably glares at you from it's dusty corner daily....and he probably hasn't noticed it in 5 weeks and 6 days.  So will he be a little surprised when you snap and throw a pot of spaghetti at him for asking if you remembered to buy stamps today?  Yeah, he probably will.

2.  It's not always what you say, but HOW you say it.  You know you know this.  We all know this.  Why is it just so HARD to remember it?!  I have found that clamping my mouth shut and counting to at least 5 really helps.  And not just with my husband, but with my kids and my students as well.  That way, when I answer the SAME question for the 657th time in one day...it comes out sounding a lot more like the ever-patient Robin from Winnie the Pooh, and a lot less like I need an exorcism.

3. The past is the past...leave it there!  This is another hard one.  Really though, how MANY times can you fight about the same thing?  And how MANY times can you turn a new fight into one that is actually now about an old one?  The answer is MANY times.  There is no trick here other than to just stop it.  Stop in the middle of your sentence if you have to.  Cold. Turkey. Quit. 

4. Do not involve third parties.  Unless you need someone to make sure that you don't start beating the crap out of each other, please just keep it to yourselves.  Dragging someone else in for "backup" or to try and prove a point is not only immature, it's embarrassing for that person.  Unless the two of you are sitting in front of a licensed therapist, then no one else should be present and eating popcorn while y'all hash out your issues.

5. Do not fight in public or in front of the kids.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  For one thing, you are embarrassing yourself AND your family if you turn every argument into a live version of Jerry Springer.  For another thing, even if you ARE in the privacy of your home, but your kids can hear you...you might as well be duking it out in public.  Besides the fact that you're definitely causing them major stress (NOT fair to them), they are going to repeat what they have heard and it WILL be a much more alarming version when they tell it.

6. No name calling!  C'mon, what are we, 5?!  (This covers telling your wife she is just like her mom, as well.  Don't do that.  There is no coming back from that.)

7. Don't interrupt.  When someone is angry, interrupting them is a guaranteed way to make them angrier.  Just let them get it out, and when they are done they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say.  Talking over top of someone is talking AT them, not talking TO them.  Plus, it's just rude.

8. Don't use each other as punching bags.  While you shouldn't actually punch each other either, what I mean is this: don't take stuff out on the hubs or wifey that they have nothing to do with. The temptation here is to unload on your spouse because you know that they will forgive you later.  Just because you couldn't punch your boss in the face for being a jerk today, doesn't mean you should come home and pick a fight with your wife about how much she spends on her hair, or with the hubs about how many days in a row he left his dirty clothes in the bathroom floor.

9. Do not use "always" or "never"....ever.  This will bite you in the tail every time.  Sure as you say "You always...." or "You never..." they will throw an example to the contrary right in your face.  Now your point has been lost and you are just a big exaggerator. 

10. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  Saying things that you don't mean in the heat of an argument can cause real, and irreparable damage.  My favorite example is this: Throw some eggs in the floor.  Tell them you're sorry.  Are they still broken? 

The main point in all of this is that it's not ever about who is right or who is wrong. (I know - what?!)  It's about how you both feel when you walk away from the fight.  Do you feel better?  Or do you feel worse?  Do you feel like you listened and got listened to?  Was the focus on whose "fault" it all is or on how to fix it?  Did you "win" only by hurting your spouse and sending the message that their feelings don't really matter? 

If you really love someone, then it shouldn't matter who "wins" or "loses" because you're supposed to be on the same team...right?

♥M