6 Things You Didn't Expect To Miss Doing Alone

Have you ever watched a movie about someone stranded on a deserted island and thought, "Mmmm...that sounds nice."  If so, then you probably have kids.  You love them every second with every fiber of yourself, but that long-gone memory of personal space...well, it can make you wistful at times.  Somehow, these days, EVERYTHING manages to turn into a group project...

6 Things You Didn't Expect To Miss Doing Alone:

1. Any and all acts of basic hygiene  This covers bathing, showering, going to the bathroom, applying deodorant, blow drying your hair, putting on makeup....if it happens in the bathroom, then it is now a spectator sport...in the sense that the spectators get really involved and want to participate.  If you've ever applied mascara with one hand and used the other hand (and sometimes a foot) to stop a kid from eating your lip gloss, unwrapping all of your tampons, and squirting toothpaste in the toilet at the same time....you can probably relate.

2. Cleaning  It almost seems pointless to even do it sometimes, and when you do clean you almost need a Valium by the time you're done.  You sweep the floor and they kick your pile of dirt.  You vacuum and they grind cookies into the rug.  You fold things and they immediately unfold them.  You clean the mirrors and they wipe boogers on them.  It's an Olympic sport and it isn't for the short tempered.  We play a fun game at my house where I warp-speed unload the dishwasher while catching things in midair because my littlest helper is tossing them to the floor at the same time. (I used to just put the baby gate up, but she's what you'd call a "climber.")  The real name of the cleaning game is "distraction," and the best players spend an equal amount of time creating distractions as they do cleaning. 

3. Talking on the phone  Gone are the days where I could just pick the phone up and call someone.  I now have to ask myself three questions before attempting to make a phone call.  One - Is it truly necessary (i.e. would a text suffice)?  Two - Is it time sensitive (i.e. can it wait until bedtime)?  And finally, three - is it someone who will think less of me after hearing me threaten physical violence upon my children so that I can hear what they are saying?

4. Doing anything that involves paper and/or a writing utensil  Writing a grocery list?  Paying a bill?  Doing paperwork for your job?  Reading something?  Opening the mail?  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!  And don't be stupid and offer them a coloring book and crayon as some crap substitute for whatever is in YOUR hands. 

5. Eating YOUR food  As a parent, you practically become a dumpster diver at meals.  You end up eating their leftovers...after they eat YOUR food.  (Whatever you put on your plate is obviously way better than what you put on theirs, so just give it up.)  Not that you have time to eat until you're cleaning up anyway, because you spent the whole meal wiping up spills, retrieving dropped utensils, and striking bargains for "how many more bites."  If you get brave enough to attempt snacking, be prepared for an attack.  I have actually used a pair of scissors to cut open a chip bag before so they wouldn't come running when they heard the cellophane wrapper...and James has been known to hide in the laundry room when he wants to eat a Swiss cake roll in peace.

6. Sleeping in YOUR bed  I have met a handful of parents that claim to have never allowed their children into their beds.  These people either practice black magick or are lying.  If my kid is screaming at 2:30am and the only way to get them back to sleep is in my bed, then bring it.  Unfortunately, this can create a chain reaction of bed crashing until either my husband or myself end up in a kid's bed or on the couch.  Are we huge suckers?  Yes... but it's a small price to pay for being the hero of nightmares.  Or so I tell myself.

♥M