You Can't Fly If You Don't Jump

 

I have received many requests for an update on Stepping Stone Academy!  I am honored to oblige those requests - thanks for caring!

If you want to catch up on what has already happened...

Jump Into Your Purpose

Baby Steps for Stepping Stone

Making Mountains Out of Stepping Stones


The funny part for me is going back and reading those posts...and shaking my head at myself for being SO naïve.  I had no idea what I was getting into...or how much I would LOVE it.

This journey is, by far, the most exhausting, stressful, and Holy-Wow complicated thing that I have ever taken on.  And yes, that includes having two small children (ask me about this when they are teenagers, and I may change my answer).

I recently posted to the blog's Facebook page that I had 2 weeks to be DONE, and my Social Services application turned in.  Since then I have gotten a lot of "WHAT?!" feedback, so allow me to explain:

Social Services is a state agency.

Understand now? 

In all of their wisdom and beautiful bureaucracy, Social Services needs me to accomplish about 6 months worth of work in about 2 weeks of "real world" time.  Why?  So that they can have their full 60 days of leisure to approve it all.  Otherwise, I risk not being approved before our target opening date of September 2.

My one teeny problem with this:  I have been calling and e-mailing the same Social Services office, talking to the same people, asking questions (stupid ones, if I am to judge by their attitude when answering them) and slaving away through the night, EVERY NIGHT, for two months now on all of the crap that they are demanding of me....and you don't think this could have come up before now?!

The mistake that the licensing agent made was acting incredulous when I told her "No problem," she could expect me to show up to my orientation program on July 8 with my application in hand.

She scoffed at me.  I could hear it.  Right through the phone. 

Challenge accepted.

Any energy, perseverance, or sweat that I had invested over the last 8 weeks looked like a total joke when compared to the aftermath of that conversation. 

I am 100% aware that my reaction to this challenge is unhealthy.  The amount of determination I am suffering from is borderline "Lock her up in the padded room!"  In my defense, however, I shared with a friend that I thought I might be kind of crazy, and we ultimately determined that if I was truly crazy...I probably wouldn't realize it.  Therefore, since I AM aware that my behavior is erratic and abnormal - I am not actually crazy.  Do not argue with this.  It has been decided, and I am not open to disputes.

Sleep has been pretty much eliminated from my routine.  No time for such a waste of precious hours.  My meals, when I do remember to eat, have consisted of whatever I can eat with one hand while typing, holding a phone, or driving with the other.  My children have sought shelter at their grandparents' or babysitter's house during the day, climb all over me and sit on my head while I type or make phone calls during the evening, and sleep soundly while I work through the night.  They are annoyed with me, to say the least, but I have explained to them that Mommy has to be a busy jerk for a few weeks, and we will be back to normal soon. They totally understand (No, they don't) and therefore, behave like angels (No, they don't) and certainly don't do crazy, wild things to try and get my attention (Yes, they do).  My mantra right now?  "We will ALL survive this."

So basically, I suck as a mom right now, but I am kicking this application's ass...kind of...sort of...mostly.

You may be wondering what exactly does "the application" mean - what's so terrible about filling out an application?  People do it all the time.  You apply for jobs, credit cards, whatever - we all do it.

The application for licensing a Child Day Center with the state is not just a form to be filled out, however.  I mean, there is a form that you have to fill out (several pages long, in fact), but it's all of the "required attachments" that get you...

Social Services Required Attachments for Initial Licensure:

VA State Corporation Commission Certificate - This is the certificate that you get when you register your business with the State. Check!


Business License - This one was easy.  I just went to the Town Hall, filled out a form, and wrote a check...after I calculated my "expected" revenue for September-December 2014.

Character Reference Letters from 3 people that are not related to you by blood or marriage - I actually had four AWESOME friends who got these to me within a couple of days of me asking for them.  THANK YOU times a million for y'all's awesomeness!  


Annual Operating Budget - HA!  I am tempted to slap my whole bajillion-paged business plan with 3 YEARS of annual budget and cash flow projections on their desk!  I can take zero credit for the numbers, that was totally the CPA from the business center and the credit analyst from the bank, but still - BOOM!  THANK YOU, totally patient CPA and Credit Analyst!  I promise I'm not as dumb as our conversations while constructing this document made me feel.


Evidence of Insurance - My "insurance lady" is on it!  THANK YOU super nice insurance lady who was willing to put up with me calling and saying "Hey...I need insurance...TODAY."


Credit Reference Letter from a Bank - Because the bank that I am working with on this is THE best bank with THE best people ever....the V.P. whipped this up for me this afternoon.  Another big THANK YOU goes here!

Operating Agreement - In your face Social Services!  I already went on Legal Zoom and got one of these for my loan process.  Next!

Asbestos Statement from an Asbestos Inspector - Nice try Social Services, but I asked my bank pals for this weeks ago and we just got it in the mail yesterday.  

Written statement of organization (who is responsible for what) - Yeah, I'm just going to whip up a flow chart for this one.  It'll say:

Employees' Responsibilities = The kids, DUH. 

M's responsibilities = Everything else...oh, and the kids.  Questions?

Signed Sworn Disclosure Statement - This is a redundant form that you are required to fill out and sign, swearing that you haven't committed any crimes.  You turn it in along with your background check....which is proof that you haven't committed any crimes...wait...what...  Never mind.  Printed it.  Signed it.  Done.

Staff Information Sheet - This is a piece of paper that you list your employees on.  At this point, I feel like they are just making random requests for trivial documentation.  This is uncomfortably familiar from being a classroom teacher in a public school....

Copies of any brochures to be used - Really?  You need to see my marketing materials?  I just....*siiiiiigh*  YeahOKSure.  Why not?

Daily Schedule for each age group - Oh dang, I need a schedule!  I was just going to let all of the kids run around and bounce off of each other all day.  I better get on that.  *eye roll*


Inventory of all indoor and outdoor play equipment - When I read this, I thought that I was misunderstanding it - you are probably thinking the same thing.  "Does that mean an actual list of EVERYTHING in the building that the kids can play with (every toy, how many books for each age group, what games, every DVD, CD, piece of sports equipment...)?"  Yes. Yes. It. Does. 

Criminal History Record Check - This has been sent to the State Police and I'm waiting for it to come back....and sweating every time I check the mailbox and it's not there.

Child Protective Services Central Registry Check - Well, if you can believe it, this is a form that has to be mailed to Social Services...and I have to wait to get it back...so that I can turn it in to THEM with my application.  Yeah...try to figure that out.  Actually, don't.  Don't waste the energy.

Building Inspector’s Report - Building should be ready for inspection any day!  Woo Hoo!

Fire Inspection Report - I have a meeting with the Fire Chief on Friday to schedule an inspection and to go over my Emergency Preparedness Plan.  That's another gem of a document that I'm expected to produce.

Department of Health Inspection Report - I called to schedule this and they were like, "Yeeeaaah, you don't need an appointment.  We'll just come out there whenever you're ready."  Ummm, thank you for making that 5 minutes of my life stress-free, you beautiful people!

Floor Plans/Site Plans - I submitted these to Social Services 3 WEEKS ago for the pre-approval process...and this will shock you...I have still not gotten anything back.  It very clearly said on the paperwork that I would get a response in 10 business days.  When I called (and called...and called) and finally got a hold of the Inspector who has them, I was basically told that they were really busy.  When I questioned the licensing office about that, I was again told that they were really busy and it just wasn't a priority.  Nice.

Copies of all forms to be used - Wait...Every form that I will use at the Academy?  For everything that requires a form?  Yes.  Yes, that is what that means.  And in case you want to know how many forms that is... I don't know.  I haven't counted them all, but they are currently occupying a decent sized chunk of my flash drive.

Copy of Policies & Procedures - This is a work in progress.  I'm about a dozen pages deep on the Stepping Stone Academy Staff Handbook and close to the same with the Parent Handbook.  Not even close to done.  Now you understand the constant typing...and the development of what I am fairly certain is carpal tunnel in my elbows.

List of the Director’s Qualifications - How about "I managed to complete this application...without even being rude to ANY of the super snarky people at the Social Services office.  THAT = Qualified." (I have actually been overly nice, even when they are straight-up nasty to me...because I'm kind of scared that they'll "lose" my files if I retaliate.  I feel like there's potential for that to be a real "deep end" moment for me, and I'm trying to avoid it.)  Or I'll just attach a copy of my VA State Teaching License and the Certificate of Completion from the online Director's course that I'm taking.  Either/or, really.
 

Soooo....not your typical "application" after all.
 

Do not mistake this blog post for a complaint, however!  I have learned a lot about myself in just the short time that I started this journey.  For one, I discovered the gift disorder that I possess suffer from.  I'm a challenge junkie.  (Here we go!  Another thing that needs a support group!  See (Awkward Anonymous) The sense of accomplishment each time I mark something off of the list, and realize that I am one little baby step closer to making things happen...it's amazing. 

I have also learned a lot about the people in my life.  There were some who disappointed me, who were unable to find joy in my new adventure, or who tried to use me for their own benefit.  They are greatly overshadowed, however, by the rest.  I have been touched by the amount of support that I have received, the number of people that are willing to help me, and how much happiness people have displayed for me. 

So maybe I am a little stressed, tired, and overwhelmed. 

No really, "maybe" I am - I have no idea, I don't have time to decide.  All I do know is that I feel filled with a purpose, driven towards accomplishing something that will mean even more to others than it will to me, and surrounded by good people willing to share in my journey.

By the way, I hope all of those super supportive people will show up when I do an "all-call" for volunteers to put together furniture and inventory equipment next week. :))
 

♥M

More Important Things Than Punctuality

My goal today:  Make it to Vacation Bible School by 6:00pm. 

I live 25 minutes from church. 

I left the house at 4:25pm.

Why?  Because I am 10 minutes late everywhere I go, and it's never for any one reason....and certainly not predictable ones.  There's always such a conglomerate of things that occur, that I don't even bother trying to explain anymore.  I just accept the pleasant surprise that people display when or if I do happen to be on time, and I just shrug and roll with it when I'm late.

So what happened today?  Was 1 hour and 35 minutes enough time to get 25 minutes down the road? 

1. We left early so we could stop at the library (4 blocks from home).  We had to inspect all 154 board books and 87 children's DVDs before making a selection...even though I offered several reminders that we would be back later in the week and could check out every book in the whole building by the end of the summer, so JUST PICK ONE.

2. While checking out their books and DVDs, I realize that the 2-year-old has pooped in her diaper.  We return home to change her.

3. We get back in the car and start to pull out of the driveway.  The 4-year-old announces that she has to pee.  We go back in the house.

4. We make it all the way out of the driveway and a whole mile from the house, when I realize that I have left my cell phone on the charger.  We go back and get it.

5.  This time we make it an entire 10 miles from home when the 4-year-old announces that she has to pee again.  There are no bathrooms.  We have to get off of the interstate and do a roadside number.  We get back onto the interstate.

6.  Now we have to stop at the dance school to register for summer classes.  The owner suggests that I not pay for the 2-year-old's classes until we see how she does the first week.  Since she is running in circles around the studio, screaming, and slamming doors, I accepted this as solid advise.

7. As we're leaving the dance studio, I realize that the 2-year-old has pooped in her diaper...again.  I change her in the car.

8. The 4-year-old has to pee...again. 

9. We finally make it to church.  It is 6:10pm.

WHAT would be my excuse for being late?  Which thing do I bother picking?  The fact that we got in out of the car 256 times, and each time I was sternly reminded that there was to be absolutely no amount of assistance from myself with their climbing in OR out of the vehicle, CERTAINLY didn't speed things up.  Note: It is a slow and painful agony to stand their grinding your teeth while waiting for this.  I have to chant things about "encouraging independence" in my head the whole time.

I used to stress about being late.  For the sake of my mental health, I now just embrace it.  You can't rush little kids.  I mean, you CAN...but the only one stressed out is YOU.  And is THAT  how I want my kids to remember me?  That I was yelling "Hurry up!" all of the time?  If we have to be somewhere and I start getting everyone ready 3 hours beforehand....and we're STILL late...C'est la vie!  They won't be little forever, and I refuse to waste the time that I do have with them by constantly being frazzled.  THEY are the most important thing in my life...and if I'm WITH them...then what's there to stress about?

So hug your babies tight, make time to stop and examine caterpillars or count rocks...and just avoid making appointments unless absolutely necessary.

"I am always late on principle, my principle being that punctuality is the thief of time." - Oscar Wilde

♥M

How Much Are YOU Worth?

All jobs have some sort of evaluation system.  There's nothing wrong with assessing employee performance, including strengths and weaknesses.  It's what keeps us accountable, encourages us to do our best at all times, and provides feedback to improve performance.

The State of Virginia started working on implementing a new evaluation system for teachers in 2010.  This was my first year getting the "full experience" of it, and I have to say...it's a pretty disparaging process.

On Friday afternoon - after a long night of working on Stepping Stone Academy handbooks and a long day of taking my students on a particularly stressful field trip - an aide came to my room and said, "It's your turn." 

My stomach went into my throat, and I marched to the office holding my precious "Doc Log" in front of me like a shield of protection.

The culmination of your school year - which you have spent packing your Documentation Log full of "evidence" that you DO your job, attending countless meetings and suffering multiple observations, filling out charts and spreadsheets, giving tests, recording data and crunching numbers - is one final Summative Performance Report.  Your whole year is boiled down to ONE evaluation, ONE numerical "score"...and you are at the mercy of the ONE person filling it out.

What is your "score" based on?  For us, there's a total of 40 points and it breaks down as follows:

1. Professional Knowledge (4 points)
2. Instructional Planning (4 points)
3. Instructional Delivery (4 points)
4. Assessment & Student Learning (4 points)
5. Learning Environment (4 points)
6. Professionalism (4 points)
7. Student Academic Progress (16 points)

What does all that mean?  Here's the layman's version:

1. Professional Knowledge: Yes, you are smart.  Yes, you understand the curriculum, you know the subjects you are teaching inside and out, and you teach them all well.  That's great, BUT - are you spending your personal time and money on continuing education?  Are you going to extra workshops on the weekends and in the summer (NOT the ones you're required to attend)?  No?  Then you, my teacher friend, are merely "proficient" at your job, and not much more.

2. Instructional Planning:  You use the Standards of Learning to construct lesson plans, you seek out resources to plan awesome activities, you use data (and data, and data, and DATA!) to plan for each student and their developmental level.  You have detailed emergency plans, sub plans, and plans for making more plans after your current plans are implemented.  You reteach as needed,  you collaborate with colleagues, you're always prepared, you adjust and are flexible when it's necessary...  Great.  This makes you a capable person.  Were you expecting a pat on the back?

3. Instructional Delivery:  You are engaging in the classroom.  You use a variety of techniques to help the kids "get it"...you stand on your head and juggle at the same time, if that's what it takes!  You enhance your lessons for the struggling students, the average students, AND the gifted students.  You keep things fresh and no one gets bored.  You are as magical as a unicorn on a rainbow.  So...what?  You're supposed to be.  Get over yourself already.

4.  Assessment & Student Learning:  You live and breathe DATA.  You "measure student progress" (i.e. gives a bunch of different kinds of TESTS) and use the results to create magical spells of remediation and conjure up cases of "Give-a-Damn-itis" for your students and their parents.  You give constant feedback and encouragement on assignments.  Bravo - you're a teacher.  Moving on...

5. Learning Environment:  You are loving, nurturing, respectful, positive, and maintain a safe atmosphere of learning at all times.  You meet every kid's individual needs while maintaining a fair environment that leaves everyone feeling valued.  You handle disruptions and discipline like a pro.  That's because you are - because you're supposed to be.  You are not special.  You are not unique.  You are simply capable at your job.

6. Professionalism:  Again, are you spending your personal time and money on fine-tuning your teaching skills?  You better be.  Do you have a good rapport with your students and their parents?  You should.  Do you get along with and collaborate with your colleagues regularly?  That's expected.  You are also ethical, communicate well, handle additional responsibilities with finesse, and attend all faculty meetings and staff development programs.  Imagine that...you behave professionally at your professional job.  I should hope so.

7. Student Academic Progress:  This is the BIG ONE.  This is 16/40 of your points.  It's black and white - did your kids pass their End of the Year test with the goals that you set for them.  Notice I didn't just say "pass."  No, no - they don't just have to pass.  YOU set a goal score that you think they can achieve - not a passing score, a rigorous one - and they have to meet that goal.  Did they make a 100/A+ on the last 10 tests they took, but had a bad morning and only got a 84/C on this one?  Sucks for you...and for your evaluation.  Don't worry though, only 80% of them have to meet their goals.  That's doable! Well...depending on the number of students in your class.  If you're a Special Education teacher with 4 students taking the test...they better all meet their goals, because if one doesn't - that leaves you at 75%.  Keep in mind this is all based on one test - nothing else.

My work of art that is my Documentation Log contained all the necessary "evidence" and more.  Not because I'm awesome, but because I knew it better...or else. 

More than 2 hours after entering the office, I walked out.  My eyes were red and puffy, my spirits were battered, but I held in my hands my final evaluation of my teaching career....with a final score of "Exemplary." 

I should feel good about myself.  Or proud, maybe.

I don't.

I feel disgusted that we have reduced the teaching profession to placing a numerical value on such a subjective career.

I feel angry that I had to fight to prove that I do my job well, even with a binder full of evidence in my hands.

I feel relieved that I won't have to go through it again.

I feel remorse for my teacher friends that have to go through the whole thing all over again next year.

So, yes, it is June.  Summer break is fast approaching.  Which means that you will be tempted to start making comments about your teacher friends and "all of that time off." 

Don't do it.

Just don't.

Summer is not a break - it's a recovery period.  We cannot physically, mentally, or emotionally reproduce all that we do (and handle all that we endure) in a single school year (with a whole new set of kids each time) without having some time to recover from what we've been through.

So if you know a teacher, and you see them this month, the following greetings are an acceptable replacement for "You must be enjoying all of this time off!"

1. Just give them a hug and keep your mouth shut.
2. "Here...I bought you a bottle of wine."
3. Discreetly drop a business card into their bag for a really good shrink.
4. Offer them your beach house.
5. Congratulate them on not needing rehab.

Happy June!

♥M



Survivor: The Sick Mom + Birthday Party Episode

 

I was just plain arrogant when I claimed to NOT be stressed out about the upcoming birthday party, earlier this week. (Spring Party Planning Madness) 

In  making that claim, I did what I do best - I spit in the face of Murphy's Law, shook my fist at fate, and dared life to throw me it's best curve ball.

Which is why, in my opinion, I was stricken with a stomach bug Thursday night.  I spent the night in the bathroom floor, trying to remember why similar situations hadn't seemed nearly as traumatic in college after a good frat party.  (Probably because I had been to a good frat party...and didn't have to work in the morning...and throw a party for 20 little kids the day after that.)

The next morning, the hubs made valiant efforts at being a nurse.  He was shocked (SHOCKED, I tell you) to learn of my illness, and couldn't imagine how he had missed out on all of the action.  He brought me water and an English muffin.  The 4-year-old drank the water and the 2-year-old ate the English muffin.  While our 2-year-old jumped up and down on my stomach shouting, "Mom. Mom. MOM. MOOOOOM!" there were offers made of people staying home and taking care of me. I informed my family that I loved them very much, but that if they loved me - they would leave. 

It was quiet.  I slept all day.  My party of dutiful nurses returned home that evening, bringing with them gifts of Gatorade, mac-n-cheese....and fish sticks.  (I just.........fish sticks?!)  I said thank you, drank the Gatorade, made myself a bagel, and returned to the couch to continue dying slowly.

I spent a good 15 minutes being jumped on, took one good headbutt to the nose from the youngest, told the hubs no, I wasn't quite up to changing poop diapers yet, and squashed a half-dozen temper-tantrums over the kids not being able to drink after me because all of a sudden, Gatorade was the only thing they had ever wanted to drink, ever, in their whole life, and I was a total "meanie-butt" for not allowing them to partake of it.  I announced that I was going to take a bath.  I will not lie - I just wanted to hide in the bathroom.

My hiding spot was safe for 2 minutes and 16 seconds.  Then the door opened, and my two lovely daughters came in to check on me...each dragging one of their little folding chairs behind them.  They set up their little chairs and sat there eating pretzels.  I closed my eyes and pretended to be very boring, so they would consider relocating.  I gave up on the bath 10 minutes later.  By then, there was a handful of pretzels, a blue crayon, and one of Daire's socks floating in the tub with me.  There had been an assassination attempt on my cell phone.  They had "helped" me wash my hair.  Daire had tried to get in the tub with me - with her clothes on.  By the time they went to bed, I went too.  The alarm had rung, my "sick day" was over and I needed to put my game face on for the next day. 

I felt fine this morning - my "bug" was behind me, and I was ready to throw a party for my babies.  I still wasn't freaking out because I have AMAZING people in my life who had set up and decorated everything for me.  Thank you, baby Jesus! 

We arrived at our church (a.k.a the party site) and the bounce house was being delivered.  It was time to cue a mini-panic attack.  It was raining, so the bounce house was being set up indoors.  Scratch that - the ceiling was ONE FOOT too short, so the bounce house was NOT going to be set up indoors.  That's ok.  We will come up with a Plan B.  No?  Ok, Plan C...Plan D...Plan E?!  I started feeling sick again.

We settled on a suitable location for the bounce house outdoors (the portico turned out to be perfect...whew!)  Disaster averted.  Ok, now we're late to pick up the pizza.  No big deal, I called ahead it will be ready.  It was not ready.  I called yesterday.  The hubs reported the following conversation:

Hubs:  I'm here to pick up 16 pizzas.
Pizza Guy:  *shouting over his shoulder, to another employee* HEY - that order WAS for today!
Hubs:  Soooo...they're not ready.
Pizza Guy:  Not really...you were supposed to be here at 11:30...
Hubs:  Soooo....you had an EXTRA 30 minutes....
Pizza Guy: Oh...well, yeah.
Hubs:  It's ok, how long do I have to wait?
Pizza Guy: 10 minutes.
Hubs:  ....you're going to make 16 pizzas in 10 minutes?
Pizza Guy: Uhhhhh....

An hour later, the hubs showed up with pizza.  He was alarmed about our country's future in the hands of today's youth.  I was glad I had stopped and picked up the chips and dip.

The rest of the day was a blur of happy chaos and memory making.  The girls were happy with their party and I was happy to watch them be happy.  I didn't get a lot of pictures, but such is the story when you're in the moment. 

Every year, I learn a little more about throwing the "perfect" birthday party.  Little tips and tricks on everything from a cheaper or easier way to do something, a better way to organize things, or "the" best way to set it all up.  This year, I decided that we will just leave town next year.  We are "eloping" for their birthdays.

I reserve the right to recall the genius of this same plan for any and all holidays.

♥M

Spring Party Planning Madness

 

The girls' birthday party is in 6 days, and I'm NOT my usual stressball of party planning....which leads me believe that I am overlooking something major.  Or, maybe I'm just getting better at going with the birthday party flow....

I am a notorious birthday party planning freaker-outer.  It all started with the oldest's first birthday.  She was the first and the only, so when Jace turned one, I had to have every detail just so.  I had a Fancy Nancy-themed party, complete with Jace's picture on a personalized birthday banner, every decoration/balloon/serving tray in the right place, and custom invitations from Etsy.  My sister-in-law made a cake that could have been for a wedding.  My brother-in-law practically broke out a level to hang the streamers.  My cousin took pictures, my husband took video, and I almost had a stroke making sure everything was perfect.

I really intended to turn things down a notch with the second birthday.  Except I was pregnant with daughter #2, and if you remember from A Second Love, I was going a little crazy trying to prove to myself that I could still give the same amount of attention to Jace as always.  Which resulted in an extreme Lalaloopsy-themed party...before they made Lalaloopsy themed party decorations.  I made my own invitations, scoured the internet for party favor ideas, and labored over the decorations.  I stressed over each of the 5 seperately-themed tables I set up.  Each one was based on a different doll with appropriate colors and themed items for that character.  Jace had the perfect party outfit, a huge cake, and of course, lots of pictures were taken.

By the third birthday, I was stretching myself a little thin.  I had to pull off the perfect Tinkerbell party for Jace, and then follow up with a one-of-a-kind Strawberry Shortcake themed first birthday for Daire a few weeks later.  They each had the right banners, balloons, tablecloths, themed party food and drinks, and of course - the personalized invitations from the cute little Etsy shop.  I had to do all of this while throwing a baby shower for one friend, a bachelorette party for another, and be the matron-of-honor in the wedding while sweating over my three-year-old being the flower girl at the same time.  I did it.  It almost killed me, but I did it. 

Maybe I have party-planning PTSD, but this year I am not allowing myself to reach any of my previous levels of hysteria.  For one thing, they don't give a rip about all of the decorations or the handmade, themed crap that I slave over. I knew this all along, but kept telling myself "one day they'll look back at the pictures and be so impressed." Yeah, right.  Get over yourself, lady.

For the sake of helping to reform any of my bretheren party-planner crazies out there - here are some of the things I have learned from my party-planning-zilla moments over the past few years:

1. If you work 45 hours a week and have two small children, it's Ok to not have time to hot glue stuff, teach yourself how to make cake pops, and whip up 3 tons of finger food for an event.

2. If you hate baking and kind of suck at it anyway, there are people out there who do such for a living and will gladly accept cash payment for taking over the burden of creating edible masterpieces that people will actually want to eat at your party.  If you're really worried about it, just throw it all on your own serving dishes and let people think you made it all.  *Warning: Your guests could potentially ask for the recipe or try to get you to bring said items to a future event.  Not that I've done that....I'm just saying, it could happen.

3. If you're a big fan of taking money out of your wallet and lighting it on fire, then please, by all means, spend tons of it on balloons and streamers.  You will only have to sit and pop $45 worth of helium balloons exactly 3 hours after filling them ONE TIME for that lesson to stick.  Also, the physical anguish of ripping down streamers that you spent hours putting up is almost unbearable.

4.  Children are not impressed with your organized activities.  Attempt to entertain them with well-thought out party games and they will yawn right before they run outside to play tag or roll around in the floor playing with balloons. 

5. No one cares if your party food fits the theme.  They just want to be fed.  Your tea cakes and fruit kabobs are cute, but order some pizza and everyone is happy.  They will also be grateful that you compensated them with an adequate food suply in exchange for having to spend their afternoon at a kid's birthday party as opposed to the 4 million other things they could do on a Saturday.

6. The birthday invitations and party favors ultimately end up in the same place: the trash can.  It causes me a lot less pain to imagine you throwing away the flyers I got printed at Staples, than the cute Etsy invite I had printed with the kids' names and pictures on them.  I gave up completely on stressing over favor bags.  I save money and you don't have to step on little plastic toys in your living room floor.  You're welcome!

7. Delegate.  I have had to relax greatly over the years as far as accepting help goes.  I used to be a "must do everything myself or it won't be done right" person.  Now I'm a "someone else offered to do it, THANK GOD I can take something off of my to-do list" person.  Someone offers to bring food?  Sure!  My mom offers to pick up the cakes?  Yes ma'am!  My sister wants to help decorate or a lady from church offers to do the centerpieces?  YES, YES, YES, and THANK YOU!

This year both girls wanted the same theme (Sofia the First).  Jackpot.  ONE party, ONE set of invitations to make, ONE day of freaking out about putting up decorations, and ONE load of party food to buy.  I felt guilty they weren't each getting their own party...for like 5 minutes, then I rented a bounce house and called the whole party planned.  Aaaaand DONE.

♥M

My Sensitive Child (a.k.a. "The Drama Queen")

We've jokingly called my oldest daughter "the drama queen" since she was a toddler.  The older she gets, however, the more I recognize her for what she is - a "highly sensitive" child. 

I first got turned on to this notion while reading some random parenting article.  I couldn't get over how spot-on the article was in relation to Jace and her behaviors.  I had previously recognized little things here and there - what worked when disciplining her, or what she responded to the best when presenting something new.  Somewhere along the way, a lot of my concepts and ideals of parenting changed to fit the kind of child she is, as opposed to what the perfect child was supposed to be in response to my "perfect" parenting skills (i.e. the defense techniques I had read in a book).

In Jace's case, she just needs a certain tone, a certain presentation of expectations, a clear cut definition of consequences (NOT threats) in order to respond positively.  This can be said about a lot of children, though.  What made things really "click" for me, made me really "buy into" all of this "highly sensitive" mumbo-jumbo, was a combination of many articles and my ever-efficient "M-research."  I'm sure I'm not alone in that I take paranoid journeys driven towards discovery when it comes to my children.

According to The Highly Sensitive Person (and their Parent Checklist) these are some of the qualities of a highly sensitive child:

-startles easily
-complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin
-doesn't usually enjoy big surprises
-learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment
-seems to read my mind
-uses big words for his/her age
-notices the slightest unusual odor
-has a clever sense of humor
-seems very intuitive
-is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
-doesn't do well with big changes
-wants to change clothes if wet or sandy
-asks lots of questions
-is a perfectionist
-notices the distress of others
-prefers quiet play
-asks deep, thought-provoking questions
-is very sensitive to pain
-is bothered by noisy places
-notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, etc.)
-considers if it is safe before climbing high
-performs best when strangers aren't present
-feels things deeply

Not all, but most of these apply to Jace.  That sent me looking me for more information, because God knows, I'm probably screwing this all up and traumatizing her daily with my horrendous parenting, right?  Thankfully, this was not the case.  I was actually reassured by a lot of what I read. 

Sensitive children respond better to requests and logic than to harsh discipline and raised voices (the latter will typically result in the exact behavior you are trying to avoid or correct.)  Luckily, I had picked up on this already with Jace, and usually try to present things in a way that's more of a "Hey, let's do this together..." kind of approach.  Doesn't ALWAYS work, but definitely gets better results than "Go do such and such RIGHT NOW!"

Sensitive children will start to "act out" (or as I say, "You're showing your tail!") when they become overly stimulated or tired.  I had noticed that when Jace has friends over, or when we are in a large social group, she can turn into a total monster.  The only way to adjust that is to remove her from the situation and calmly explain to her exactly what she is doing that's super crappy.  Time-out or yelling always just makes her lash back.  Explaining that a certain behavior or tone of voice makes her sound "mean" or "makes Mommy upset and disappointed" SEEMS to work better.  I have to be careful how I phrase everything, however; because any slight inclination that I'm shaming, embarrassing, or laughing at her makes her totally shut down and/or have a meltdown.  It's a seriously tricky tightrope that I walk with these "discipline talks" and it's straight up exhausting.  Sometimes I get it just right and feel like "Mom of the Universe," but I'm not going to lie....I've also been known to totally blow it...and she ends up crying on my shoulder...and I feel like crap for a mom.

Sensitive children need language to describe their feelings.  If they aren't able to understand or explain how they feel, then they will just lose it completely.  I'm not a hippie or anything, but "feeling" words are a big thing for me with my kids.  I want to make sure that they can not only describe how they feel, but that they understand it's ok to feel ANYTHING - what matters is how you ACT on it.  If they are angry about something (or at me), I try to teach them that it's ok to be mad, but there are acceptable ways to handle that emotion.  Go scream into your pillow, cool off by yourself, and when you're ready to tell me what's wrong, we can talk about it.  I try to avoid getting sucked into an argument or anyone yelling at each other.  That never seems to end well. 

Sensitive children are terrible with transitions.  Really and truly, though, most people are.  I decided a long time ago that if I were doing something that I thought was super important and someone said, "Hey stop that right now, and come with me," it would probably piss me off pretty badly.  So then I kind of understood why I was being met with resistance when I would say, "Ok, time to ____, come on!"  The solution was a forehead-slapping easy one.  All I had to do was say, "Ok, 5 more minutes and then we gotta go!"  And then there was no problem.  It's beautiful.  That was all it took.  Just a simple heads-up before transitioning. 

Sensitive children are very critical of themselves.  It's so important to filter yourself when you think that you are offering advice.  A lot of the time, no matter how well-intended your words are, they WILL be taken as criticism when spoken to a child who is highly sensitive.  The best way to avoid them running from the room crying, while you stand there scratching your head, trying to figure out what you said - start everything with a positive.  And I don't mean, "Great cartwheel, BUT you're supposed to keep your legs straight."  I mean, "Awesome, cartwheel!  Show me that way you do it with your legs straight!"  Don't get the difference?  They will.

Some of the best material I found was by a psychotherapist, Elaine N. Arnon, Ph.D. (The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them).  She wrote this about highly sensitive children:



"First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or 'just discovered.'  It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society--for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.

Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or 'hyper' sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on--creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others...

But, for all of that to blossom, they absolutely must be raised with understanding. Otherwise, as adults they are prone to depression, anxiety, and shyness."



Omg....no pressure.  If I screw this up, though, my kid will just be shy, depressed, and anxious forever.  Crap. 

The biggest piece of advice that I think I gleaned from all of my reading was this:  Parenting a sensitive child is not about changing them, it's about changing how you parent.  Do not force society's demands onto your child.  Your job is to nudge them into trying new things, without making them feel as if you won't be there or love them as much if they can't "be like other kids."

The bottom line:

Love them. 

Maybe I got this after all....

♥M

A Week Summary

To conclude my batcrap-crazy week, I gift you with a list of conclusions.

Conclusions that this week has led me to make...

1.  At any given moment, there are people around you suffering.  You never know if someone just lost a loved one, is dealing with illness, is getting ready for a surgery, is going through a nasty divorce, is worried about their job....so just BE NICE.  It won't hurt...not every time anyway.

2. All children can be loved. Some just make it really hard...on purpose. They have to test you to feel out whether you will "still love them if..." They think that you won't. Prove them wrong.

3.  If I could answer the question "WHY?!" then I would be rich.  So. Rich.

4. I have become one of those obnoxious people who are all, "Man, I haven't been to the gym (or gone running) in over a week.  Poooooor meeeee."  It's so awful to realize this about yourself.  Uuugh.

5.  If a physician has prescribed a medication, it should be taken as directed.  For the sake of everyone.  Please.

6.  Pajama Day at work is not what you'd expect.  It is not "comfy."  You will remain in a state of distress all day and feel like you're in a bad dream where you forgot to get dressed before going to work.

7.  You should have to pass an IQ test before you are allowed to create a Facebook account.  Or have a co-signer who pledges to proof your posts before they go out into the world.

8.  My 2-year-old is possessed by a demon.  Maybe more than one.

9.  Driving home with your car's gas light on and thinking "I'll stop in the morning" is never going to work out for you.  You will ALWAYS be running late the next morning.

10.  There is such a thing as being in a constant state of forgetting something.  At all times, the answer is "Yes, you are forgetting something."  Don't bother wondering what it is; just hope it comes back to you before it's too late and your forgetting causes any damage.

11.  God made earbuds so that I can put them in and ignore people.  Sometimes "people" means my spouse.  (If I can't HEAR you, then I can pretend like you are saying whatever *I THINK* you should be saying.)

12.  Back to #1 - When all else fails, and you feel like you might be slipping into a grouchy, pity-party mode, the best way to put the brakes on that is to reach out and offer your hand to someone who needs your empathy more than you need a "woe-is-me" session.  Had a bad day at work?  Get over yourself - someone else probably had a worse one.  Call a friend who's going through a rough time and ask how they are doing, offer your buddy to help with his project or move this weekend, visit your sick aunt and take her some soup....Why?  Not because it will make YOU feel better about YOUR bad day, but because it will make you realize that you actually aren't the one that the sun rises and sets with after all.  Plus, no one likes the person that only ever complains and never, ever listens.


With all of that being said, I'm fairly certain that I could get at least a solid two-hour head start before anyone realizes that I have run away from home.  Feel free to shoot me an e-mail with a location and meeting time if you have the name of a good source for forged papers.  I'd prefer not to travel under my real name.  Thank you in advance.

♥M

A bonus struggle from my week:  Being torn, while editing this piece of writing, between trying to guess what the "s-word" at the end was supposed to be (shock? strike?) OR just adding "in his pants" after it...