Jump Into Your Purpose

First let me apologize to my readers for completely abandoning you for a SOLID WEEK!  I promise that I haven't been twiddling my thumbs, though; and I hope that my excitement over why I have been absent will help you to forgive me...

Last week, I got a message out of the blue from an old co-worker at the bank.  It was one of those innocent things that can start an avalanche in your life...and this did, for sure.  The message was basically this: We (the bank) own a building that has been renovated to be a daycare.  We heard you are staying home next year, and thought you might be interested."

Psssssh!  Yeah, right.  I had made it clear to the 278 people that had previously suggested it - I was NOT opening a daycare.  That was one of those life's dreams of mine, and I was all too aware of what the venture would entail.  It would mean giving up everything (and every dollar) to strike out on my own, risk my family's security, and all just to become a small-business statistic concerning failure in the first 3 years. 

So on Friday, I went and checked out the building with the bank's V.P. 

It took my breath away.  It was so perfect, it hurt my insides.  The set-up is such that we could actually live upstairs and run the daycare downstairs.  I could live at work.  (Which is great, because I need any help I can get with my genetic predisposition to being 5 minutes late...or more...everywhere I go.)  I started dreaming on the spot...and that made me nervous.  I didn't deserve this!  I couldn't pull this off!  I didn't have start-up money for a business!  Every concern I had was waved away, only making me more hopeful...which made me REALLY nervous.  "What do you need from me?  What are you looking for?" I asked my tour guide.  The short answer?  Someone with a passion for children, who will commit to this project 100%.  Someone who will put the blood, sweat, and tears into this place to get it where it should be, and offer this community what it needs.

She described me.

I lost all control of my dreams, hopes, and "what if's." 

She handed me the key and told me to think about it over the weekend.  I spent the whole weekend obsessing, researching, and sharing my meanderings with my family.  I took the hubs to the building and showed him around.  He was immediately in love.  "M!  This is what we've been waiting for!  We can do this TOGETHER and BE TOGETHER like we always dreamed!"  I tried to talk him down.  "It's going to be our whole life!  It's all we'll do, all we'll think about, all we'll have time for!" 

"But we'll be TOGETHER.  We'll do this TOGETHER." he says.

And that was the end of my will power to say "No." 

I spent the weekend with my nose buried in business manuals, social services standards, and zoning and building code requirements.  I made lists and crunched numbers.  I called every contact I have that I thought could possibly offer me advice...or talk me out of it.  I consulted with a realtor, two social workers, a previous daycare manager, the principal of the school across from the building, someone on the county's board of supervisors, an insurance agent, a loan officer, and my pastor.  I spent hours on the Internet searching for helpful articles about starting a business, how-to blogs, and procedural manuals. 

I was a woman on a mission.

The most productive part of of it all?  Finding out exactly what people thought of me, and my potential business prowess:

"Sometimes, your plan isn't God's plan."

"Once your fire is lit on something, NO ONE can stop you - you WILL make this happen.  I know it."

"Life is like a puzzle, but you don't have the box cover with the picture, so you don't know what it's supposed to look like when you're done.  You just have to let Him fit the pieces together."

"If there was anyone that could succeed at this...it's you."

"Maybe this is what God's been preparing you for all along.  You've been through things and had experiences that, without them, you might not have been prepared to climb this hill."

"It's going to be a lot of work, but you can do it.  There isn't anyone who won't believe in you."

Wow.  As I'm sure you can imagine - hearing words like that...to your face...when you're feeling totally NOT confident...I cried.  (By the way - this stuff is documented now, y'all, so don't try to take it back when I fail miserably! Haha!)  I knew that I had super awesome friends, and that my family loved me... but to have that amount of support when you are doubting yourself?  Well, obviously, I was super awkward and said something to ruin the moment every time, but STILL - I heard their words, and it made my heart swell.

So what have I been doing this week?  Well, I have read enough state and federal material to probably fill three novels.  I have begun working on a budget and a schedule, researched and decided on a business structure, registered my business with both the state and federal government, secured my official certificate from the State Corporation Commission for my business... I've been busy. 

The to-do list is endless.  I still have to finish my research on all of the costs for start-up equipment and supplies, recruit top-notch potential employees, set up training and certification classes for said employees, get business and zoning and licensing through my town/county/state, and work my way through grants/loans. 

I should be overwhelmed. 

I'm not.  I'm enjoying the challenge.  I'm embracing the sense of accomplishment that each item checked off of the to-do list brings me.  That also worries me.  Why am I not freaking out?  Is six days just not enough time to fully realize what I am doing?  Will it sink in next week, or next month?  Or am I just actually on the path that I am meant to be on?  Am I FINALLY realizing a purpose, and a mission, and fulfilling some part of my destiny that's been waiting for me to catch up?  (Whoa, getting kind of touchy-feely again...)

Right now everything is in the "dream phase."  At any moment something could rear it's head and snatch all of my dreams away.  THAT is what my life's experience tells me.  THAT is what leaves me feeling skeptical at the conclusion of each daydream. 

But why let that stop me?  Why live waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

I can't.  I will never realize this dream unless I push through all of the self-doubt, ignore the people who aren't as supportive as my real friends and family, and take the biggest risk I've ever taken in my whole life.

Which leads me to what I decided to name my preschool.

I have faced many obstacles in my life.  Many things that I could have chosen to stumble over and not get back up from.  We all have.  Our children need to be prepared for the same thing.  If there is anything that I am passionate about, it is children...and their education beyond standardized tests and letter grades. 

Stumbling blocks in life are only stepping stones, but only for those who have been prepared to be strong, tenacious, adventuresome, and independent.

Which is why I am pleased to announce that I am the official owner and director of Stepping Stone Academy, LLC.

"Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall."  - Ray Bradbury

♥M



My Sensitive Child (a.k.a. "The Drama Queen")

We've jokingly called my oldest daughter "the drama queen" since she was a toddler.  The older she gets, however, the more I recognize her for what she is - a "highly sensitive" child. 

I first got turned on to this notion while reading some random parenting article.  I couldn't get over how spot-on the article was in relation to Jace and her behaviors.  I had previously recognized little things here and there - what worked when disciplining her, or what she responded to the best when presenting something new.  Somewhere along the way, a lot of my concepts and ideals of parenting changed to fit the kind of child she is, as opposed to what the perfect child was supposed to be in response to my "perfect" parenting skills (i.e. the defense techniques I had read in a book).

In Jace's case, she just needs a certain tone, a certain presentation of expectations, a clear cut definition of consequences (NOT threats) in order to respond positively.  This can be said about a lot of children, though.  What made things really "click" for me, made me really "buy into" all of this "highly sensitive" mumbo-jumbo, was a combination of many articles and my ever-efficient "M-research."  I'm sure I'm not alone in that I take paranoid journeys driven towards discovery when it comes to my children.

According to The Highly Sensitive Person (and their Parent Checklist) these are some of the qualities of a highly sensitive child:

-startles easily
-complains about scratchy clothing, seams in socks, or labels against his/her skin
-doesn't usually enjoy big surprises
-learns better from a gentle correction than strong punishment
-seems to read my mind
-uses big words for his/her age
-notices the slightest unusual odor
-has a clever sense of humor
-seems very intuitive
-is hard to get to sleep after an exciting day
-doesn't do well with big changes
-wants to change clothes if wet or sandy
-asks lots of questions
-is a perfectionist
-notices the distress of others
-prefers quiet play
-asks deep, thought-provoking questions
-is very sensitive to pain
-is bothered by noisy places
-notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, etc.)
-considers if it is safe before climbing high
-performs best when strangers aren't present
-feels things deeply

Not all, but most of these apply to Jace.  That sent me looking me for more information, because God knows, I'm probably screwing this all up and traumatizing her daily with my horrendous parenting, right?  Thankfully, this was not the case.  I was actually reassured by a lot of what I read. 

Sensitive children respond better to requests and logic than to harsh discipline and raised voices (the latter will typically result in the exact behavior you are trying to avoid or correct.)  Luckily, I had picked up on this already with Jace, and usually try to present things in a way that's more of a "Hey, let's do this together..." kind of approach.  Doesn't ALWAYS work, but definitely gets better results than "Go do such and such RIGHT NOW!"

Sensitive children will start to "act out" (or as I say, "You're showing your tail!") when they become overly stimulated or tired.  I had noticed that when Jace has friends over, or when we are in a large social group, she can turn into a total monster.  The only way to adjust that is to remove her from the situation and calmly explain to her exactly what she is doing that's super crappy.  Time-out or yelling always just makes her lash back.  Explaining that a certain behavior or tone of voice makes her sound "mean" or "makes Mommy upset and disappointed" SEEMS to work better.  I have to be careful how I phrase everything, however; because any slight inclination that I'm shaming, embarrassing, or laughing at her makes her totally shut down and/or have a meltdown.  It's a seriously tricky tightrope that I walk with these "discipline talks" and it's straight up exhausting.  Sometimes I get it just right and feel like "Mom of the Universe," but I'm not going to lie....I've also been known to totally blow it...and she ends up crying on my shoulder...and I feel like crap for a mom.

Sensitive children need language to describe their feelings.  If they aren't able to understand or explain how they feel, then they will just lose it completely.  I'm not a hippie or anything, but "feeling" words are a big thing for me with my kids.  I want to make sure that they can not only describe how they feel, but that they understand it's ok to feel ANYTHING - what matters is how you ACT on it.  If they are angry about something (or at me), I try to teach them that it's ok to be mad, but there are acceptable ways to handle that emotion.  Go scream into your pillow, cool off by yourself, and when you're ready to tell me what's wrong, we can talk about it.  I try to avoid getting sucked into an argument or anyone yelling at each other.  That never seems to end well. 

Sensitive children are terrible with transitions.  Really and truly, though, most people are.  I decided a long time ago that if I were doing something that I thought was super important and someone said, "Hey stop that right now, and come with me," it would probably piss me off pretty badly.  So then I kind of understood why I was being met with resistance when I would say, "Ok, time to ____, come on!"  The solution was a forehead-slapping easy one.  All I had to do was say, "Ok, 5 more minutes and then we gotta go!"  And then there was no problem.  It's beautiful.  That was all it took.  Just a simple heads-up before transitioning. 

Sensitive children are very critical of themselves.  It's so important to filter yourself when you think that you are offering advice.  A lot of the time, no matter how well-intended your words are, they WILL be taken as criticism when spoken to a child who is highly sensitive.  The best way to avoid them running from the room crying, while you stand there scratching your head, trying to figure out what you said - start everything with a positive.  And I don't mean, "Great cartwheel, BUT you're supposed to keep your legs straight."  I mean, "Awesome, cartwheel!  Show me that way you do it with your legs straight!"  Don't get the difference?  They will.

Some of the best material I found was by a psychotherapist, Elaine N. Arnon, Ph.D. (The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them).  She wrote this about highly sensitive children:



"First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or 'just discovered.'  It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society--for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.

Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or 'hyper' sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on--creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others...

But, for all of that to blossom, they absolutely must be raised with understanding. Otherwise, as adults they are prone to depression, anxiety, and shyness."



Omg....no pressure.  If I screw this up, though, my kid will just be shy, depressed, and anxious forever.  Crap. 

The biggest piece of advice that I think I gleaned from all of my reading was this:  Parenting a sensitive child is not about changing them, it's about changing how you parent.  Do not force society's demands onto your child.  Your job is to nudge them into trying new things, without making them feel as if you won't be there or love them as much if they can't "be like other kids."

The bottom line:

Love them. 

Maybe I got this after all....

♥M

A Day to Remember

This morning, I picked my grandfather up from my aunt's house and we spent the day together. If I learned anything today, it was that the only thing we ever truly need to be afraid of in life is having to regret not stopping and making time to create more memories with the people that we love.

There were sweet moments:
He insisted on carrying any and everything for me - from the fundraiser donuts we picked up at my daughter's dance school, to the grocery bags we left Food Lion with.  He even took my friend's baby carrier to her car for her when she stopped by with her son to visit today.  He helped my oldest daughter ride her bike and listened patiently while my youngest explained the plot of Harry Potter to him in 2-year-old jargon.  He pushed both girls on the swing set and made the appropriate (expected) complimentary remarks when they put their princess dress-up clothes on.

There were rough moments:
I wasn't able to convince him to eat more than one chicken tender for lunch and one slice of pizza for dinner, even though I know he loves both of those things.  He was worried about my grandmother looking for him and not knowing where he was.  He got stressed out towards the end of the day about when and how he was getting home.  He wanted to drive himself, but was frustrated that his car wasn't at my house.  At one point he tried to explain something to me, but ended up crying because he couldn't figure out how to explain it.  I just hugged him, told him that I loved him, and said that the rest wasn't important.

There are some things, however, that he KNOWS for a fact, and can tell you with certainty how he feels about them.   Here are a few:

1. He could not be a teacher "these days" because we are no longer allowed to paddle the students.

2. My younger cousin is "full of bull."  Those are HIS words.

3. If one baseball team is losing so badly to the other team that they cannot possibly come back and win, you are wasting his time (and "the good money that he pays for the cable box") by not simply ending the game right then, and carrying on with life.

4. The movie theater will never be making any money off of him because he will not be paying $12.00 to see a film that he can buy at Wal-Mart.  FYI - it cost $0.12 when he was a kid.  This was also a little pricey at the time.

5. No matter what, he knows he loves my grandmother.  He will tell you every time that her name comes up, "I won the lottery when I met her."  Of all the things he forgot today, he knew he hadn't been to see her since yesterday and wanted to know when we were leaving for the hospital.

No matter what, I feel lucky that I will get to remember today, spending time with my grandfather, and watching him spend time with my children.  They won't remember that he didn't call them by name because he forgot what their names were; they will remember that he helped them ride their bikes and pushed them on the swing.  I will get to remember his smile when they call for him to "Watch this!" and the sound of their laughter when he teases them.

One of the things that we talked about today was why some people end up having Alzheimer's, and some people don't. There is no satisfactory answer to that question.  Different researchers have different opinions on the matter, but the only real truth is this - The only way to live your life is to know that you never know what's coming next, and therefore, should take nothing and no one for granted.

♥M

Emotionally Compartmentalizing

So I did some research on "emotional compartmentalization" tonight.  I was inspired by my extremely "off" day today, and being curious about how I might do a better job at this, I empowered myself through Google.  Some articles left me slightly confused about whether it's a good defense mechanism...or an alarming symptom of being a sociopath.  Yikes.

I think we all do it though.  When you're at work, you focus on who you are as an employee and what you need to accomplish during your time there that day - in that particular capacity.  When you leave your job, your focus shifts to whatever other role you are switching gears to.  For me it's usually straight to "mom mode."  When I am with my kids I am in their moment, and they are my focus.  (Kind of hard NOT to be, they're kind of demanding...)  There are so many other "gears" to switch between, though...so many other roles and responsibilities to keep lined up in a row.  Sometimes you forget which "gear" you're supposed to be in, or it's necessary to cross the wires and be in more than one at a time.  That's when my neatly arranged "compartments" get messy and require a lot of extra balancing.

This week, I've been extra foggy.  My grandmother is not doing well, and I'm not doing a very good job at figuring out how to fit that into my "acceptable emotions compartment."  Therefore, I am pretending like it's not happening.  I had a very candid conversation with her ICU nurse yesterday, and I appreciated all of her honesty when answering my extremely direct questions.  I'm just not yet ready to absorb her answers, however, so I will just tuck them away for examination at a later time.  Not today.  Probably not tomorrow. 

The problem with switching parts of your brain on and off is that the things you push back, with the intention of ignoring them, have a certain way of niggling their way up to the front anyway.  It might just show up in different ways than you'd think.  I've been extra spacey, extra forgetful, less engaged when having conversations...detached, I guess.

Which is what led me to believe that I needed some advice on doing a better job at "compartmentalizing."  Here's a summary of my "research."  I may have added some of my own advice, as well.  You know I can't help myself.

To Compartmentalize, Or Not To Compartmentalize?

1. It's ok to compartmentalize....as long as you're not like, schizo about it and have multiple families and/or identities (i.e. Bill Clinton, Batman...Ted Bundy).

2. Use compartmentalizing as a way of being in control of your psyche for the sake of productivity - NOT for the purpose of avoiding or separating from your feelings.  That latter one will turn you into one of those weirdos that starts screaming at the check-out girl for putting a can of corn in the same bag as your bananas.  No one wants that.

3. DO NOT multi-task.  (Whaaaaaaaat?!?!)  It only takes your focus away from whatever you are trying to immerse yourself in at that time, and it will NOT increase the number of tasks you check off of your to-do list - it will in fact, keep you from accomplishing as much in the long run.  I know...crazy, right?!

4. It's ok to tuck difficult, personal things away - IF YOU RETURN to them later and deal with them.  Again, let's not get all "rocking-in-the-corner-while-hugging-your-knees," Ok?

5. Do not waste valuable time obsessing over things that you have no control over.  If thinking about it isn't going to magically fix it, then DON'T.  Move on.  Go be distracted.  Unless credit card debt is one of the things you're trying not to think about, then I suggest retail-therapy.  You don't even have to buy anything.  Pretend you're shopping for a new recliner and read a book in the furniture store.  (Just be sure to switch chairs every 10 minutes or so, or they might get suspicious).

6. If you are compartmentalizing your life to the point that the thought of different areas merging frightens you, then you have gone too far.  If your co-workers and your family couldn't discuss you without feeling as if they were talking about two different people...then you have a problem.  Do you hide under tables, duck behind displays, or put a pair of sunglasses on if you are with people from one "part" of your life, and see people from another "part?"  Get some help, man.

7. Learn to say "NO."  If you are even bothering to compartmentalize your life, then you probably shouldn't be adding any extra commitments or taking on any additional huge responsibilities without cutting something else out.  Sometimes we are all narcissistic enough to think that we "have to" do something because if we don't, then it might not get done (i.e. might not get done OUR WAY).  The truth is, you aren't the only one out there with any particular skill set.  Sorry to break it to you, but there are probably people actually waiting for you to move over so they can have a turn. 

Now go, be merry, and compartmentalize away, my friends!  Just don't be a weirdo about it.

♥M

Top Chef - Watch Out!

 

 

I'm feeling super proud and domestic tonight for 2 reasons:

1. I baked brownie bites AND cupcakes - on the same night.

2. Neither of them were horrendous disasters.

 

Don't get excited or be stupid - they were both boxed mixes.  I would never be so dumb as to bake from scratch and ruin that many ingredients and waste that much time in one fell swoop.  It's not my thing.  I accept that and it really doesn't bother me anymore. 

 

 

 

 

I used to be super jealous of my friends and family that could bang out awesome, homemade creations.  Now I just appreciate the stuff that they cook...and know my limits.  We all have gifts and talents.  Usually, they happen to coincide with what you really enjoy doing (not always...but usually).  Once it finally dawned on me that I wasn't even really ENJOYING cooking or baking, I got over the fact that I wasn't exactly on my way to winning any competitions.  Not that I'm a total quitter - I still cook.  Only as necessary, however.  You know, like, dinner...or if someone says "Hey, can you bring...?" 

 

 

 

 

Like I said, though - know your limits.  We all have them...especially in the kitchen. 

My process for evaluating new recipes:

1. How MANY ingredients are involved?  (My limit is 5.)

2. Can I pronounce all of the ingredients?  (No?  Forget it.)

3. Is the prep time longer than 15 minutes?  (If so, not going to happen.)

4. Will I spend more on the crap that goes in this, than if I just went to a restaurant? (Yes?  Then grab the car keys.)

5. Who is going to be eating it? (People other than the hubs and the kids?  Forget it - I don't need this stress in my life.  Or the lawsuits after I poison everyone.)

6. How complicated are the directions? (If I have to call someone for clarification, it's best to just move on.)

 

 

 

Rest assured that if you are invited over to my house for a meal, there will be no experimenting in the kitchen.  I will either be serving frozen pizza or something that I have made enough times (with positive results), that there is no way I'll screw it up (spaghetti, chili, FROZEN PIZZA...)

 

 

 

 

 

Before you think I'm exaggerating, or being too hard on myself, let me share some of my most epic failures with you. 

 

1. One year, for my daughter's Lalaloopsy themed birthday party, I attempted to make pink and yellow swirled sugar cookies.  The picture online was super cute.  I didn't even MAKE the cookies - I used a mix.  Somehow they all ended up purple.  And hard.  Oh, and I wanted them to look like buttons, so I used a straw to punch holes in them...before I baked them.  DUMB.  Hard, purple, blobs - THAT'S what went in the favor bags.

 

2. The next year, I kept it simple.  I sent cupcakes to the babysitter's house.  I iced the cupcakes too soon, though; so what I actually sent was soggy cupcakes in a sea of icing.  Good thing 3 year-olds don't care what their sugar fix LOOKS like.

 

3. I made deviled eggs for my grandfather's retirement party.  I even got fancy and used a piping tool for the filling....which DID NOT MATTER because I put too much mayonnaise in the mixture and it all bled all over the place by the time we got to the party.  They tasted great - but no one was brave enough to find that out.  (I don't blame them.)

 

4. I ruined Hamburger Helper.  I used spoiled milk and it tasted like sewage.  In my defense, I had just bought the milk that day, so that was their foul.  In my husband's defense, he ate half of his like a champ, not wanting to hurt my feelings, until I took a bite and screamed, "WHY ARE YOU EATING THIS?!"

 

5. And the most epic of all?  I left a pot of boiling water on the stove and forgot I was cooking.  I burnt the pot.  I screwed up boiling water.  Fail.

 

 

 

 

 So cooking isn't my thing.  That's Ok!  It actually works out well for me, because now that it's been pretty established by my "A for effort" failures, people know better than to ask.  I'm the person who brings chips & dip to parties, canned green beans to Thanksgiving dinner, and store bought desserts to baby showers.  Do they sell it at a bakery or deli?  Then I got it!

♥M

 

 

 

A Second Love

I've mentioned before that Baby #2 is more than just a bomb in your marriage, they are a major upheaval of all that is normal for your whole family-of-three's dynamic.  With the first baby you worry about being a good parent and being "ready" for all the things that a baby brings.  With the second baby, you worry about the first baby.  A lot.

I was totally unprepared, and had never heard anyone talk about, the overwhelming amount of guilt I felt towards the end of my second pregnancy.  I was terrified of what this second child would mean to my relationship with my first daughter.  I was excited about the baby, couldn't wait to meet her, hold her, and love her....and that made me feel guilty.

My daughter was a relatively easy toddler....because she was used to the whole world revolving around her.  She played what she wanted, when she wanted.  Her stuff stayed where she put it.  If she wanted a snack or a drink, she got it within a reasonable period of time.  She was our whole world because she was our one and only.  That was about to change - and she had no clue it was coming.  I did know...and it made me feel guilty.

Snuggles on demand were no problem when there was only one kid to snuggle.  Sharing our bed wasn't really a big deal because when she crawled in between us in the middle of the night, there wasn't anyone to be jealous of her doing it.  Stopping what I was doing to do what she wanted was a habit because whatever else I had been doing was only something for me anyway, and she was more important.  There was going to be another person to divide my attention away from her now...and that made me feel guilty.

The last few weeks of my pregnancy, I actually cried sometimes from the overwhelming feeling of change that just felt as if it were swallowing me up.  Jace was only 2 years old - she wasn't going to understand what she was feeling once the baby came and I wouldn't be able to explain it to her in any way that she could understand at such a young age.  My biggest fear was that my sweet baby girl would think Mommy didn't love her anymore.  (Now I'm crying just remembering it, ugh!)

The night before my Cesarean, we left her with my parents and I cried like I would never see her again.  It was ridiculous.  I was being torn in half between how excited I was to finally meet my new baby and how awful I felt about "abandoning" my oldest child to go do it.  Don't judge my irrational behavior - pregnancy hormones are a real B.

The other thing I wasn't prepared for was the next morning when they held that wrinkled up little mess of a strawberry-blonde that is my second child up to my face, and I got to kiss her little fingers and stroke her soft cheek before they whisked her off to the hospital nursery.  "Oh my God...I just fell in love again,"  I told James. 

I was wrong about my heart being split in two for two babies.  I was wrong about having to give up some of my love for Jace so that I would have enough for Daire.  I was wrong to ever doubt that my heart couldn't hold them both at the same time.

My heart got bigger.

Now I feel incomplete without them both in my arms.  My world is not divided, it is more complete.  I have more love, get more snuggles, and make or buy two of everything.  The first year was far from smooth and nothing if not a learning experience, but we made it.  For every time my heart broke for having to tell Jace "hold on" or "not right this second" because of the baby, it has swelled ten times over when I see them hug, snuggle, share, and love each other beyond words. 

I will always remember that first love, but I couldn't imagine life without my second.

♥M

Terrible twos...threes...fours?!

Why do two-year-olds get such a bum rap?  The phrase "terrible twos"  is just inaccurate.  For one thing the "terrible" behavior starts well before 2 years....and it definitely lasts longer than 3. 

I have to tread lightly when complaining about my kids and the stuff they say because it's not like I can blame it on anyone else.  Between the hubs and myself there's no hope for them to escape their genetic predisposition to eventually mature into some curious combination of sass and smartass.  Usually, I get a real mirror check by way of hearing something outrageous cross their lips.  (Jace to her sister: "You are acting straight up ugly!  Carry that to another room, girl!"  Daire to Jace: "I'ma get you BUTT!")

I'm so used to the dramatic scenes of these two tiny females that sometimes, even in the midst of full-on hysteria, I can maintain a single train of thought about whatever it is that I continue doing.  Now, before you think I'm totally heartless, I'm not talking about when they are physically or emotionally hurt.  There's a big difference between being hurt and having a tantrum.  Boo-boos get kisses and hurt feelings get heart-to-heart talk-time (on a preschool level....this usually involves 4-5 interruptions of "Hey, guess what?" before we're "done".)  Tantrums get squat except me stepping over you to go about my business.

A good example would be this morning-  Daire wanted my makeup while I was getting ready for work.  I told her no.  She cried.  I offered to put lip gloss on her.  She threw herself in the floor.  I offered to let her put the lip gloss on herself, but would only relinquish control of the applicator, not the actual tube of lip gloss.  She smacked the applicator from my hand and rolled around in the floor.  I picked her up and put her in time out.  She went limp and slid from the chair, into the floor and lay, spread-eagle, sobbing uncontrollably in the hallway.  30 seconds later she was back in the bathroom, doing pull-ups on the vanity and knocking whatever she could reach off of the counter.  I picked her up and put her back in timeout.  She flung herself face first out of the chair, into the floor and kicked her tiny legs until her shoes flew off.  The whole thing lasted a good 20 minutes and not once did she stop screaming at an unearthly decibel, "MY MAKEUUUUP!"

That, my friend, is a tantrum.  What. Is. The. Proper. Response. To. THAT.

I'm always reading these mommy articles, blogs and books looking for parenting advice.  I mean, my kids are awesome, but they do a lot of crap that makes me go "wonder how to fix THAT."  Y'know like TANTRUMS.  Let me tell you what TICKS ME OFF about all this great parenting advice - it sounds good until you use it.  Be real people, ALL kids are different and mine - yeah, they aren't following the little scripts that you wrote out for us to follow.  For example...

Advice: If your child does 'A' then you should respond with 'B.'  They will then do 'C' and everyone will be happy and bake cookies and play in a spotless playroom just like the one in the picture at the top of this article where the mom and kid are laughing together from having solved all their differences amicably and butterflies are coming out of everyone's butt.

Real life: My child does 'A' so I respond with 'B.'  Then they do 'G,K,L,Y,' and say 'V,R,W.'  Now I'm trying to figure out what page all of that is on and what I did wrong with my application of 'B.'  No cookies, no playroom, and no butterflies.

What IS the proper response to tantrums?  I mean, I guess I could prevent them by... I dunno, always letting them have their way, but I'm not really down with that... for a lot of reasons.  I'm more of a, "Hey, go cool off and get back to me" kind of mom.  But is that effective?!  I mean, my oldest is almost 4 and she regularly has these PMS-type emotional outbursts. ("How could you offer me Kix cereal instead of Honey Nut Cheerios?!  I will NEVER be your best friend AGAIN!!!"  Cue dramatic flop onto her bed and sobbing.) Sooooo.....does this just last until they're like, 30 years old?  Or is there a break somewhere between 5 and 13?! 

This is one of those nights where I call my mom and apologize for my childhood transgressions.


♥M

Another Crazy Love Story (Part I)

Part 1: So I met this guy...

February is a special month to me. (No, not because of Valentine's Day...but I DO love chocolate...)  In February 2004, the planets lined up just right for me to meet someone that turned my whole world upside down.

It was my freshman year of college and I was meeting friends to go out. My girlfriend, Katie, brought her boyfriend, Josh. Josh brought some arrogant guy that way too into his car. His name was James. Our initial encounter included me almost backing into his super cool car...then running over his foot when he got out to see if I'd hit it. I know, I know...you're jealous of my super smooth flirting skills.

Our initial assessments of each other, ("She is so stuck up, dude." "He really thinks he's something,  huh?") did not do anything to deter our fate. We ended up being forced into awkward conversation after finding ourselves alone while everyone else was mingling. That turned into an all night conversation from which no one could tear us away from, and yet we were still loathe to admit that we were in any way attracted to each other.  That didn't stop us from simultaneously harassing Katie in the weeks to come for assistance in "running into" each other again.

We ended up dating. He met my parents.  They were not amused by my new "phase." In their defense, my dating history consisted of 4 years with Mr. All-American. Y'know - straight A's, straight-laced, good-looking guy, played football, went to church every week.  They were unprepared for tattoos, a lip ring, ear plugs, a loud car, and smooth talking tall, dark, and handsome. My dad's career in juvenile corrections made him wise enough to know that preventing me from knowing he even had an opinion was the safest way to help my "phase" pass quickly. My mother,  on the other hand, has always believed that the world is a better place all around when she shares her opinions. (THAT'S where I get that from...) And share them she did. Loudly. And often.

And yet, by 2007, wedding bells were ringing and he was a well-loved part of the family. I had suffered through his ex-girlfriend drama, and he had suffered through my mother. He had suffered through me being in a sorority, and I had suffered through his jealousy.  We both had suffered through spending a small fortune on gas and losing sleep while we traveled back and forth from home and my university to see each other regularly. None of it mattered. We were in love, and not the fairy tale kind - the messy, impractical, die-before-letting-go kind.

Ten years later, we still laugh at how it all turned out. We look at our kids and think "if you had told us about this THEN...we never would have believed it."  But our love is still messy and impractical.  We would still die before letting go of it.

We don't compare ourselves to other people because that's not "apples to apples." No two marriages are the same and mine doesn't have to look like yours to be a good one. I sincerely hope no one compares theirs to ours because you'd go crazy trying to figure out how two border-line Italian lawyers like us make it work year after year.

So sometimes when you're staring at the hubs, picturing his head bursting into flames...all you gotta do is remember that first kiss, and it takes you back enough to kill the urge.

Here's to the growing process that is love!  Now, go smooch your hubs!

♥M

What Does the 3-Year-Old Say?

 

I sat down with my 3-year-old today and asked her some questions, just to see what she would say.  It was illuminating to say the least.  The most enjoyable thing about the whole process was how much she basked in my undivided attention, making me realize that I really need to take the time and add some effort into having REAL conversations with her...beyond just asking her how her day went.

*********************

Can we play a game where I ask you questions and write down what you say?  It's called "doing an interview."
Ok, Mommy.  Like a writing game?

Exactly.  Can you tell me what makes you happy?
Tigers.

Really.  What about them?
Because the mama tigers have baby tigers and they are sooooo cute.  And I can feed them.

You aren't scared that they would bite you?
No!  The mama tiger would just tell the baby tiger "No biting!"

I'll be sure to keep an eye on you at the zoo...  What about things that make you sad?
I cry when my sister takes stuff from me.

Yes, I know, loudly.  Why do you think she does that?
Because SHE is sad that I have something and she doesn't.

That's very insightful.  And also why Mommy buys two of everything.  You have a birthday coming up soon!  What do you think will be different about being 4 years old?
Ummmm...maybe I will sing on a stage in front of people.  Hey, Daire's not going to be 4.  Just me.

Yes, you will always be 2 years older than her.  What else can 4 -year-olds do that 3-year-olds can't?
Eat cookies a lot, probably.  And have parties.

Maybe we should watch less Disney channel.
I have to go potty.

*Potty Break*

So who do you think is the coolest person in the whole world?
You, Mommy!

Good answer.  What makes me so cool?
You just know lots of people.

Like who?
Uncle Josh.

So I'm cool because I know Uncle Josh?
Yup.

Interesting.  What do you want to be when you grow up?
A grown up.

Naturally.  What kind of job do you want to have?
Homework, like you.  And to go to school every day, like you.

So you want to be a teacher?
Yes, I want to teach big kids at school.

We'll talk more about that life choice later.  Do you want to get married when you grow up?
Yup, to my Daddy.

But I'm already married to Daddy.
I know that.  You can just go marry someone else though.  I will miss you, but you'll just have to find another person.

You seem to have put an alarming amount of thought into kicking me out one day.  Moving on...can you tell me where God lives?
At home.

Where's that?
Probably in like, a really old, old, old school.

I thought he lived in Heaven?
That's what I said.

Right.  How do you get there?
You can just drive your car and stuff.

I thought you got to Heaven by asking Jesus to live in your heart?
I know that already.

Ok, so how does Jesus get in your heart?
He just knows people.

We obviously need to start getting to church in time for Sunday School.  Here's a hard one - Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
With chickens in my ears.

WHAT?!
I don't know?!

Too heavy of a question?
Yeah, because I don't even know what you are talking about.  I don't know people like Jesus does!

Let's take a nap.  You're delirious.
Just stop talking to me.

Stop, Look, Listen...Uh-oh

Sometimes, as adults, we need to stop and look at how we behave, listen to how we speak, and really ask ourselves - are we setting a good enough example for our kids to follow?

*DISCLAIMER: If you think I'm about to preach AT you, go ahead and feel relieved because I'm NOT. Everything I say here is equally for my own benefit as it is anyone else's!

A lot of the behavior that we expect our children to display, we expect them to do so simply because we TOLD them to.  Well...are we showing them HOW to?

Don't we tell our children to be nice to others, play fair, share their things, use a nice tone of voice, be patient, eat your veggies... It's endless, right? (That's probably how they feel too. Ha!)

Let's examine ourselves, though.
Are you patient with the people around you? Or does your child witness you sighing, tapping your foot, and muttering complaints when someone slows you down or makes a mistake?  Have they heard you use a less than polite tone of voice with a waitress, sales clerk, bank teller, receptionist...?  Have they watched you argue with someone else important to them (their dad, grandma, uncle...) and you DIDN'T "fight fair?"  Do you complain in front of them, about the same people that you tell them they have to respect (teachers, coaches, babysitter...)?

Do you tell them to pay attention when you're talking to them...but don't bother to look up from your phone when they are talking to you?  Do you give them deadlines and consequences for things you expect them to do...but never follow through with the promises you make?  Do you preach to them about responsibilities, but shirk your own?

You may think that these examples are silly, but I can promise you - you may do something as inconsequential (to YOU) as leave all the broccoli on your plate after you made them eat theirs... and you just lost points with your kids in the credibility department.  I've been there, man.  I've seen it happen.

The bottom line...

Being a parent is hard. Being a good example is even harder.  We all screw up, but don't beat yourself up!   Every day is a chance to do something better than the day before...

♥M