A Week Summary

To conclude my batcrap-crazy week, I gift you with a list of conclusions.

Conclusions that this week has led me to make...

1.  At any given moment, there are people around you suffering.  You never know if someone just lost a loved one, is dealing with illness, is getting ready for a surgery, is going through a nasty divorce, is worried about their job....so just BE NICE.  It won't hurt...not every time anyway.

2. All children can be loved. Some just make it really hard...on purpose. They have to test you to feel out whether you will "still love them if..." They think that you won't. Prove them wrong.

3.  If I could answer the question "WHY?!" then I would be rich.  So. Rich.

4. I have become one of those obnoxious people who are all, "Man, I haven't been to the gym (or gone running) in over a week.  Poooooor meeeee."  It's so awful to realize this about yourself.  Uuugh.

5.  If a physician has prescribed a medication, it should be taken as directed.  For the sake of everyone.  Please.

6.  Pajama Day at work is not what you'd expect.  It is not "comfy."  You will remain in a state of distress all day and feel like you're in a bad dream where you forgot to get dressed before going to work.

7.  You should have to pass an IQ test before you are allowed to create a Facebook account.  Or have a co-signer who pledges to proof your posts before they go out into the world.

8.  My 2-year-old is possessed by a demon.  Maybe more than one.

9.  Driving home with your car's gas light on and thinking "I'll stop in the morning" is never going to work out for you.  You will ALWAYS be running late the next morning.

10.  There is such a thing as being in a constant state of forgetting something.  At all times, the answer is "Yes, you are forgetting something."  Don't bother wondering what it is; just hope it comes back to you before it's too late and your forgetting causes any damage.

11.  God made earbuds so that I can put them in and ignore people.  Sometimes "people" means my spouse.  (If I can't HEAR you, then I can pretend like you are saying whatever *I THINK* you should be saying.)

12.  Back to #1 - When all else fails, and you feel like you might be slipping into a grouchy, pity-party mode, the best way to put the brakes on that is to reach out and offer your hand to someone who needs your empathy more than you need a "woe-is-me" session.  Had a bad day at work?  Get over yourself - someone else probably had a worse one.  Call a friend who's going through a rough time and ask how they are doing, offer your buddy to help with his project or move this weekend, visit your sick aunt and take her some soup....Why?  Not because it will make YOU feel better about YOUR bad day, but because it will make you realize that you actually aren't the one that the sun rises and sets with after all.  Plus, no one likes the person that only ever complains and never, ever listens.


With all of that being said, I'm fairly certain that I could get at least a solid two-hour head start before anyone realizes that I have run away from home.  Feel free to shoot me an e-mail with a location and meeting time if you have the name of a good source for forged papers.  I'd prefer not to travel under my real name.  Thank you in advance.

♥M

A bonus struggle from my week:  Being torn, while editing this piece of writing, between trying to guess what the "s-word" at the end was supposed to be (shock? strike?) OR just adding "in his pants" after it...

 

Kids' Checklist for Leaving the House

You may have a mental checklist for leaving the house, but the kids have their own...

Kids' Checklist for Leaving the House:

-Remove at least one article of clothing after Mom dresses you, but before making it out of the door.

-Spill something (preferably a liquid, and preferably on your clothes).

-Take your socks and shoes off.

-Demand a band-aid for an injury that is only visible to your eye.

-Insist that Mom applies any and every beauty product that she is putting onto herself, onto you as well (makeup, deodorant, lotion, etc.)  You know she is only pretending to put it on you, but the point is to slow her down, so you are satisfied with the facade. 

-Hide something (keys, wallet, cell phone, etc.), but claim you haven't touched it.

-Pack 3 bags of random crap that you obviously NEED, then lay in the floor and cry until Mom gives in and lets you take at least one of them along.

-Take your socks and shoes off.

-After walking down the stairs of the front porch, realize it would be much more to fun to hop down them.  Go back and hop down them, no less than 3 times, in a variety of hopping-styles.  Insist that Mom rate each type of hop, and choose a favorite.

-Insist on waving and saying goodbye to the cats on the porch, the dog in the yard next door, the squirrels in the trees, the birds on the powerline....  Encourage your sibling(s) to participate as well.

-Prove your strength by breaking multiple sticks in the yard, on the way to the car.  Demand that Mom watch you break each stick, and commend your strength each time.

-Collect rocks from the driveway. Insist that they must be taken with you.

-Take your socks and shoes off.

-Claim that you left something in your room that you absolutely cannot and will not be expected to leave behind.  If Mom takes you back inside, choose a random object that you haven't played with for at least 3 weeks.

-Announce that you are both hungry AND thirsty, after you have been buckled into your carseat.  If Mom produces food and drink from her bag, insist you don't like whatever she has packed and therefore cannot possibly be expected to consume them.

-Take your socks and shoes off on the way to wherever you are going.  Lose one of the socks.


Sound about right?

♥M

Stop, Drop, and RUN

When my kids are actually playing well together, entertaining themselves, and so involved in whatever they are doing that they are not demanding my services...I take advantage.  I sneak off to load the dishwasher, throw some clothes in the dryer, open the mail, get dinner started...you get the idea.  All moms, however, have a super-sense of hearing that is fine tuned to pick certain, distinct sounds that are specific to your own offspring and their particular brand of shenanigans.  These are the things that set my Spidey-senses tingling and make me stop what I'm doing, drop what I'm holding, and RUN to prevent disaster. 

Sounds That Make Me Stop, Drop, and RUN:

1. The toilet flushing.  Hearing the toilet flush does NOT necessarily mean that someone went to the bathroom.  It COULD mean that you need to call a plumber A.S.A.P. because of whatever thing someone just attempted to flush.  Past examples include: toothbrushes, the cat's food dish, a shoe, puzzle pieces, etc.

2. Paper ripping.  Could be a coloring book page and no biggie.  Could be my checkbook, family photos, or the water bill.  It's best to find out quickly.

3. Beeping noises.  Specifically the ones that sound like they are coming from the washer, dryer, dishwasher, ice maker, or my cell phone.  Kids + expensive appliances = NO.

4. Chair legs scraping the floor.  If you need a chair to reach it, in 99% of the cases, you are not supposed to have it.  Intervention is necessary...immediately.

5. "I found my scissors!"  Yeah, I'm going to need to be in the same room as you when you're cutting stuff.  I know I'm a buzzkill and all, but I have to insist on regulating WHAT you cut, sorry.

6. Cabinets and/or drawers being opened/closed.  You BETTER not be pulling stuff out of your dresser for your fourth wardrobe change of the day, drawing on yourself with lipstick you got from my makeup drawer again, or pilfering through my jewelry box to "borrow" things AGAIN - because I'm headed your way to find out.

7. "That's not food!"  Big sister liking to boss little sister comes in handy here.  When I hear big sister yell that, it usually means that little sister is sampling the play-doh or eating another tube of chapstick.  Insert clever distraction for toddler *here.*

8. Diaper tape being undone.  That ripping sound that the diaper tabs make when you pull them loose?  Very distinctive.  And very much a reason to investigate. 

9. "Look at me!"  Could be a "Look at my princess dress and high heels" kind of cry.  Could be a "I just stacked all the plastic drawers from my kitchen set into a platform and am about to jump off and land on my head" kind of cry.  Clarification is important.

10. Silence.  This is the worst.  The most dangerous noise of all.  Silence is NOT golden when kids are playing in their room.  They could be playing quietly....but they are NOT.  They are avoiding detection and you need to investigate the second you hear the dreaded sound of nothing.

And now you know why my sink has dishes in it and my clothes never make it farther than the laundry basket in the corner of my room.  I'm way too busy with my side job as an investigator to keep up with the housework too.

♥M

Being a Mom Means...

There are some things that just come with the territory....

Being a Mom Means:

1.  I am always tired.  It's enlightening to find how little sleep you actually need to function.  Caffeine is a big part of my life.

2.  I have fruit snacks and bubbles in my purse.  And dum-dum wrappers.  And baby wipes.  And small, plastic toys.  And goldfish.  And glitter chapstick.  And a half-eaten granola bar.

3.  I always inspect my drink before taking a sip.  There are two reasons: First, because kids backwash.  I gagged for five whole minutes one time because I took a swig of my orange juice and swallowed a chewed up piece of hash brown with it.  The memory gives me chills.  Secondly, kids stick stuff in your cup when you walk away - like their booger-finger hands to dig out a piece of ice, or random things like Legos (which, thankfully, float).

4.  I am no longer in control of the radio or the television.  Between the hours of 7:00am and 8:00pm, if the T.V. or radio is on, I would be insane to think that I could put it on anything that doesn't involve a Disney character or a furry puppet.  Kid CDs in the car = physical pain. 

5.  My clothes serve the dual purposes of fashion items (HA!) and napkins/tissues.  Wear white pants around a kid eating Cheetos AT YOUR OWN RISK.  And my two-year-old has walked up and used my shirt to actually BLOW HER NOSE before.  I have explained that this is unacceptable behavior, but am met with a real resistance on their part to accept that fact.

6.  There is no such thing as privacy.  The word does not exist.  Shame on you for expecting it!  (I have addressed this previously in 6 Things You Didn't Expect To Miss Doing Alone) 

7.  Every glass surface in my house has fingerprints on it.  Every window (house AND car)...every cabinet front....every mirror....all cell phone and tablet screens....they are all smudged.  Permanently.

8.  Nothing that belongs to me actually belongs to ME.  If it's edible, I might get a bite.  If it's an accessory, I might get to wear it for 5 minutes.  If it has buttons and/or flashing lights, it is immediately confiscated.  If it's a cute bag, it'll be missing by the next day.  If I get caught chewing gum, I better have another piece. 

9.  I have to keep my ninja skills fresh.  The real reason I workout?  So I can army crawl across the floor of a room with a sleeping kid to retrieve something I forgot to get before they went to sleep.  Then do a soundless tuck-n-roll out of the room if they move in any way while I'm in there.

BUT... 

10.  I have more love, laughter, and compassion than I have ever previously had in my life.  I will proudly wear my Cheeto-covered pants (with the smudged cell phone in the back pocket), my snotty shirt, and the dark circles under my eyes and say, "I'm a mom!" 

♥M

Don't Hide Your Feelins'

Lately, there's been this crazy vibe all around me that makes me feel like I'm stuck in some kind of limbo between the Twilight Zone and The Jerry Springer Show.  I have no idea what the cause is, I'm just saying it's there.

Between family drama and work drama and your own drama, sometimes it just feels like you're in a tornado of other people's feelings and emotions.  The only way to get through it is to figure out how to hold on tight....and make sure you keep your feelings separate from theirs.

 

 

The problem with feelings is that we aren't content to just TELL someone how we feel.  No, no.  As a species we have this driving urge to obtain validation, commiseration, and camaraderie for every emotion we experience.  If we're happy, we share it - we want others to share our joy!  (That's cool.)

 

 

 

 

But if we're sad or mad we often feel the need to urge others into feeling the same way, either for or with us.  It's not enough that someone pissed us off, hurt our feelings, or totally blew our mind - we NEED to hear someone SAY "You're right, you SHOULD be mad/sad/mindblown!"  It's like we don't trust ourselves to have feelings without someone else endorsing it.

 

 

Own your own feelings.  Decide how you feel about something or someone based on your own experiences.  Feedback and advice are good...when it's constructive, informative, and FACTUAL.  Don't confuse fact and opinion or allow other people's passions to influence your own.  And when you do have a messy sea to storm, make sure you don't allow others to keep you drowning in it.  If you are over something, it's ok to move on...just reach back and offer to pull the others out with you, without letting them pull you back in.

 

You are in control of YOU.  No one can make you feel any way about any thing unless you allow them to.  "How you act emotionally is a choice in any situation." - Judith Orloff

 

♥M

 

 



 

20 Reasons I Can't Fall Asleep at Night

Maybe I sound like a 5 year-old, but....I hate bedtime.  I don't know if that's a medical condition or some type of repressed defiance from having a ridiculously early curfew imposed upon me in Junior COLLEGE, but either way, the struggle is real when trying powering down at night.  When the sun goes down, my brain goes nuts.  THIS is when I remember the name of that guy from that show that did that movie that came out when I was in high school that I was trying to think of earlier today.  THIS is when I decide to do major home projects or organize my closet. THIS is when I decide to catch up on two weeks of laundry.  THIS is why it's no surprise that I'm not a morning person.

I think the technical term is "Night Owl."  I call it "Mommy's Quiet Time."  This is when I pay the bills, fold towels, download music for my running playlist, grade papers, scroll through Facebook, load the dishwasher, call my girlfriends, have an uninterrupted conversation with my husband, and oh yeah - write blog posts.

I have to play mind games with myself to actually make it as far as getting into the bed.  I do this thing where I set my alarm clock for the next morning and then it turns into a countdown.  "If you go to bed now, then you'll get 6.5 hours of sleep!" "Nah, I'm still good.  I'll just finish (random thing) first." "You'll be sorryyyy...." "No one asked you - now be quiet, Law & Order: SVU is on."

Once I finally make it so far as to physically go to bed, I have to begin the mental shutdown.  These are some of the things usually bouncing around while I'm trying to do so...

20 Reasons I Can't Fall Asleep at Night:
(*This is not an exclusive list and the contents vary on a regular basis.)

1. I compose blog posts in my head.
2. I have to make notes about the blog posts in my head so I'll remember them when it's actually a good time to write a blog post.
3. I think about the Gremlins movie....yeah, that'll keep you awake.
4. I mentally construct a killer grocery list.  I will remember none of it tomorrow.
5. I start ticking through the contents of the dozen bags I have packed for the next day (work papers, laptop, lunch, diaper bag, gym bag, dance bag, etc.) to determine if I forgot anything.  If I did, I make a mental note to remember it in the morning.  (I won't.)
6. I imagine various alarming scenarios involving someone breaking into the house if I fall asleep and how it would all play out.  I usually end up saving everyone...obviously.
7. I hum songs that are stuck in my head.  Unfortunately, they are not cool songs.  They are the theme songs to Sofia the First or Good Luck Charlie.
8. I decide that I should paint my nails tomorrow.  (I won't.)
9. I feel thirsty so I get up and drink a whole glass of water....20 minutes later I realize a sip or two probably would have sufficed because now I have to get up again. Ugh.
10. I come up with the perfect seating arrangement for my classroom.  (I won't be able to remember it tomorrow.)
11. I think of the perfect comebacks for anything really crappy that someone said to me that day.
12. I wonder how X's mom is doing, how Y's grandfather's surgery went, and if Z ever heard back about that thing.  I vow to remember to ask them all tomorrow.  (I won't.)
13. I remember seeing Jeepers Creepers in the theatre.  It messed me up, man.
14. I mentally redecorate the living room.
15. I mentally put all the clean clothes away....damn,..they're still there in that basket in the corner.
16. I laugh out loud at something funny from work that happened 3 days ago.
17. I remember that I forgot to e-mail somebody.  (I'll forget again by tomorrow.)
18. I try praying, then get distracted, then go back to praying, then get distracted again, then just give up trying to be all formal about it.  (He can hear it all anyway, duh.)
19. I get up to triple check whether I locked the front door or not.  (I did.  I unlock it then relock it... again... just to make sure.)
20. I pretend like I'm asleep when James growls at me and says, "Go to sleep!"

All of this is why I limit my caffeine intake.

♥M

Things That Get Me Through

 

Some days you just need a pick me up - especially at work - and it's all about the little things.  These are a random collection of some of those little things that have given me a boost here and there during my workday.

1. My kids knowing me better than I know myself:

Me: (after getting tongue tied during a math lesson) I don't know what's wrong with me!
Student:  It's because you forgot to drink your Diet Pepsi after recess.
Me:  Wow...you're right.
Student:  I know.


2. Awesomely wrong test answers:

Q: What is one form of art that the First Americans contributed to our society today?
A:  Martial Arts

(I had a good laugh...after I finished banging my head on my desk.)


3. Learning about the perspective of our country's economy from 7-year-olds:

4. Unabashed, and unconditional forgiveness from children:

On Halloween, one of my "ninjas" asked me to tie his sleeve up, and I did. In a bow. He just stood there for a second, until I realized....

"Ninjas don't do bows, do they?"
"Umm...not really."
"Sorry, man. I only have girls."
"It's ok."

The gracious ninja allowed me correct my bow into a manly knot.


5. Awesome co-workers that "get me"...and my sense of humor:

From: Me
To: Co-Worker
Subject: Report Cards...Done, Done, Dooone

My former egregious error of utilizing the terminology "Honor Roll" has been thoroughly corrected and exacting pains were taken to remove the aforementioned offensive language, eradicating the term in it's entirety from both my report cards and my vocabulary in a most permanent nature.

They can be reprinted at your convenience and your leisure.

Warmest regards to you.

*****

From: Co-Worker

To: Me

Subject: Report Cards...Done, Done, Dooone
 

Your efficiency and expediency in the tumultuous and unequivocally important manner is completely appreciated and magnanimously applauded.

6. Hearing "Look what I drew!" and getting so much more entertainment than I expected when I look:

 

Like I said, it's all about the little things...

♥M