Freaky Friday

Today was one of those "Awkward Anonymous" kind of days that made me question being allowed in public. 

I was relatively well-behaved at work; but after leaving there, things just kind of went to crazy, quick.  I had my six-month skin cancer body-screen at the Dermatologist's office and was patting myself on the back for being so well-prepared for it.  I wore my sunscreen all summer, was only 5 minutes late (a real accomplishment for me when going to the doctor straight from work), and had even shaved my legs that morning. 

Normal chit-chat with the nurse, she hands me my gown, she tells me, "Ok, just take everything off except your bra and underwear."  I was all, "Okaaaa....*GAAAAASP!*

"What's wrong?!"
"OMG...I don't have any underwear on."
"Why?!"
"I got dressed really fast this morning...?"

She just kind of stuttered for a few minutes...and then offered me DEPENDS (that was "all she had").  I died laughing and told her I'd rather her see my naked butt than wear a diaper, but I sincerely appreciated her offer. 

In my overzealous effort to tuck the paper lap gown around myself, I tore it in about 4 different places.  I just gave up after that.  "You've had two children, for God's sake," I tell myself.  "HOW could this be worse than being naked in an operating room with a dozen people?!'

I survived that embarrassment just in time to make it to my sorority dinner....and go for broke in the Awkward Games. 

We played a fun game while we waited for our food - one woman called out letters of the alphabet and whoever could produce an item from their purse that started with that letter FIRST, got a point.  Being first meant being quick.  Being quick meant blurting things out.  Being encouraged to blurt things out is NOT ideal for an awkward person, such as myself.  It's like offering an alcoholic a drink, or inviting someone with a gambling problem to go to a casino.  It will not play out well.

I got too excited in the beginning and shouted "Examples!" for 'E' - but what I produced was a SAMPLE of eczema cream from the dermatologist's office.  (No, M. No.)  Other people were pulling out cool stuff, like a leprechaun ('L') and a tazer (T') and an iPad ('I').  I feel like they had played this game before.

I pulled it together and produced deodorant for 'D' and Mickey Mouse bubbles for 'M' (I KNEW those bubbles would come in handy).  I got some weird looks when I produced a chunk of Twizzler from the depths of my bag for 'T', but things reached a really new level when everyone was stumped by the letter 'X'....until I found some Xanax in a side pocket.  I attempted to play that off by announcing there would be an after party in the parking lot with that and the bubbles.  Polite laughter.  Ouch.  (Hey, next time you get nervous on an airplane or break out in hives over a dreadful event you're being forced to attend - you'll think of me and how wise I am to stash the stuff.)  Just stay home, M.  Just stay home.

Well, either they're as crazy as I am or the Xanax compartment of my purse didn't scare anyone too badly, because I was asked to consider being President Elect for next year.  That's what you want, ladies - an awkward president who forgets to wear underwear.  Maybe that will be my campaign slogan...

♥M

High on Aspiration, Low on Ability...Part 4

 

"Fall seven times, stand up eight."

Japanese Proverb

 

I thought this would be a good time for another update since I fulfilled my destiny of ending up in the orthopedic doctor's office today.

A few weeks ago, I started feeling a twinge in my right ankle, so I did what any intelligent person does and ignored the crap out of it.  Did I think that there could possibly be anything wrong as a result of increasing my mileage from 2 miles to 6.4 miles in 6 weeks?  Noooooo!

Well after my epic 6.4 mile adventure on Saturday, my ankle was just super obnoxious about hurting so I called and made an appointment.  I had an awesome nurse, by the way, who reminded me of someone's really fun aunt.  Also, she laughed at my jokes and wasn't annoyed by my WebMD references, so she gets a gold star.

She looked at my charts from my last visit and said, "Oh, you haven't been here since 2010!"  "Yes, that was the last time I was a runner," I told her.  "You aren't a runner anymore?" she asked.  "Yes, I'm a runner AGAIN.  That's why I'm HERE."  She laughed, but had no clue how freakin' serious I was. 

She was also nice about the fact that I had obviously been a total idiot about the whole injury.

"Did ice help any with the pain?"
"Uhh, I didn't put any ice on it."
"What about Tylenol or Advil?"
"Yeah...I didn't take any."
"Well, what did you do honey?"
"Ignore it?"
"There's no box for that on our form, dear."
"Right.  I suppose there's a reason for that."

Anyway, after some poking and prodding, a series of x-rays, and being made to run in place for an audience of 1 doctor and 2 nurses....I was given the diagnosis "stress fracture."  Sorry doc, but I don't have time for that! 

A stress fracture is basically when your muscles get tired and overworked and cannot absorb the shock from something high-impact (like running) and so your bones take over as shock absorbers.  All of this makes perfect sense, EXCEPT - my muscles didn't ever feel super tired or overworked while I was running.  I did 5 months of weight training before I ever laced up and took off on my first fat-kid jog.  I have not had one cramp in my side, one sore leg muscle, or felt weak while running.  I HAVE felt like there was not enough oxygen on the planet Earth, realized what little endurance and strength have to do with each other, and wished for a pair of bionic lungs.

So I asked,  "If my muscles aren't tired, then how do I know I'm overdoing it and putting too much on my BONES?!"  The answer, "I don't know."  1.Thank you for admitting that.  2.Don't you have Google?!  Now I have to look this up myself.  Thanks.  They did put in an order for me to get my Vitamin D levels checked, though.  NO CLUE what that means.  I'll look that up later, too.  I haven't given myself a good "OMG I probably have 3 different kinds of cancer...and a rare blood disease!!!!" scare lately.  I'm overdue.

In addition to the stress fracture business, I was deemed a "toe runner" and told I needed arch supports while running (he tsk-tsked me for not bringing my running shoes to the appointment for him to inspect....uhhh, what?  I'm weirded out that I had to take my socks off for you to touch my foot...you want to look inside my sneakers too?!  This relationship is moving way too fast for me.)  There was also some nonsense brought up about me "cross-training" instead of running.  After he explained to me what that WAS, I told him sorry - I own sneakers....not a bike...or a pool. 

So there you have it.  Update = I've been benched for a few weeks.  Looking at my ankle brace makes me Hulk out a little on the inside, but I don't plan on letting it discourage me.  I won't throw away all the hard work I've done, just for a pity party.  Well... I'm still going to HAVE a pity party, I just plan on lacing my running shoes back up when I'm done. 

♥M

Top 5 Places to Take Your Kids...if You're Looking to be Embarrassed

Top 5 Places to Take Your Kids...if You're Looking to be Embarrassed:

1. The Grocery Store... I didn't start using the phrase "I will beat you on the bread aisle" for no reason.  These trips guarantee any range of embarrassing scenarios from your children pointing out a passer-by's bad hair to a full-on "Clean up on Aisle 7" involving broken glass and pickles.

2. Pretty Much ANY Store... On second thought, just don't take your kids shopping if you aren't in the mood to refuse every snack and toy you pass, deal with them changing their minds every 30 seconds about whether they want to walk or ride in the cart/stroller, or you were dumb enough to leave the house without being fully equipped with sippy cups and electronics.

3. The Doctor's Office... If you've ever had to suffer through entertaining a child in the waiting room of a doctor's office, then I salute you.  There is no way to make these torture rooms fun and for some reason, kids want to touch/lick every germy surface in the place. Gaaaaag!

4. Church... This is where your children will try out that new curse word you didn't realize they had picked up, sing a ridiculously inappropriate Top 40 song you didn't realize they knew the words to, and repeat things you've said so out of context that you end up on the prayer list.

5. Your Workplace... Remember that story you told your husband last week about that annoying co-worker? Yeah, so does your kid.  You know that toupee/mole/annoying voice that your boss has, but no one dares to comment on? Yeah, your kid noticed that too. Out loud.

♥M