Dear Toxic People of the World

 

We all know someone who just CAN'T be happy.  It doesn't matter what they have or how much people do for them - they refuse to acknowledge joy or accept love in this world.  Those people are toxic...and they will do nothing but suck the good out of your life.

What makes a person toxic?  Not enough hugs as a child?  A missing chemical in their brain?  An intolerance for life's stress?

I have no idea.

There are signs that a person is a toxic force in your life, however. 

1. They are rarely grateful.  The words "Thank you" are rarely passed through their lips.  In their mind, anything you have done for them is something that they "deserved" anyway.  So why be grateful?

2. They have a distorted concept of "truth."  A toxic person usually has a different "version" of most anything that has happened.  They also tend to hear the same thing you did, but interpret it in an entirely different way - resulting in them having a whole different "truth" to yours.

3. They can never tell you what they want.  You will never be able to satisfy a toxic person, because you will never truly know what it is that they want.  Why?  Because THEY don't even know.  As soon as you think you understand what will make them happy, they decide that's not enough, or is the wrong thing.

4. They have no sense of empathy for strangers.  They see a person who looks "needy" and is disgusted by them without wondering how they got that way.  They see a child acting badly and scorn their parents without considering their personal situation.  They hear a story on the news about a tragedy in someone else's life and assume it was their fault. 

5. They rarely confront people, but will always tell you how they feel ABOUT that person...behind their back.  They may go as far as giving someone the cold shoulder or even cutting off communication altogether.  But explain why, or bother to talk to the person about what they even got upset about to begin with?  Forget it.

6. They are completely ignorant to anything happening in anyone else's life.  Someone got engaged?  Has been sick?  Announced they're pregnant?  Lost a family member?  Got a promotion?  Lost their job?  Bought a new house?  Well...even if they did know about it...they don't care. 

7. They don't fight fair.  If they do end up in a confrontation with you, please don't expect a toxic person to keep their blows above the belt.  They will rely on any and every hurtful thing they can conjure up to inflict pain.  It doesn't have to be valid or even true - they will use it to hurt you.

8. They have zero ambition.  They are satisfied with believing that life sucks and will never get any better.  They are content with being Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and are annoyed with you for ever suggesting that their is a silver lining in any situation. 

9.  Their life is nothing but a series of misfortunes.  They cannot possibly be expected to feel happy for anyone else, or pity anyone else's misfortunes, because they have so many of their own.

10. They are vindictive.  Reality never actually comes into play here - they only have to believe in their head that you have wronged them.  Any punches that can be pulled to "get back" at you will be pulled. 

If you are seeking some type of advice or words of wisdom about changing this kind of person - STOP!  The only person's behavior that you can change is your own. 

This may mean removing yourself from the relationship.  This may mean seeking professional help.  This may mean staying in the relationship, but learning how to keep an "emotional distance" from that person.  Whatever your course of action - do not think that you are going to change them, or that it is even your responsibility to do so.

The only way to maintain your sanity and preserve your life's energy:  avoid them, set boundaries, get over your guilt, and do not defend yourself. 

"Don't defend myself?!" 

No.  Don't do it. 

There are two reasons for that.  1) You don't owe them an explanation for what they perceive as your shortcomings.  2) You are wasting your breath because their reality is different from yours anyway.

This will go against your very nature - it does mine!  I personally feel the need to explain myself to any and every person that may be dissatisfied with me.  I have this human need to be understood and liked by all people.  Toxic people do not deserve your explanations, however.  They will not understand your reasons.  They will not accept your logic.

So go against your inner grain.  Shut the door on the toxic forces in your life.  Celebrate your successes, relish in your blessings, and be happy with what you have and who you love.  Do not allow the poison that is a toxic person to take away from what you have and the love you have to offer. 

Be happy.  And make no excuses for it.

"People inspire you, or they drain you - pick them wisely."  - Hans Hansen

♥M

Quit complaining

I typically avoid calling people out for complaining because...well, because they might return the favor.  (THAT would just be annoying.)  Plus, I have a pretty high threshold for being bothered. And a person has definitely traveled a long way before they have actually make me mad.  (It's a terrible destination when you get there, though.  Ha!)  I credit this to being an "oldest child," spending years in an elementary classroom, and having a saint for a mom.

Let's be honest, however - at one point (or a hundred), we all find ourselves thinking, "If I have to hear one more person complain..."  Usually, this is when we are super-stressed, have an arm's length list of complaints of our own, and just don't have time to feel sorry for anyone else.  Shame on us, but...we're human.

Let me explain "complaining" though...
I'm not talking about a one-time declaration of your discomfort.  We all deserve that.  I'm talking about the detailed accounts of your miseries, that are so ridiculously NOT terrible, that I actually want to tell you to please stop talking.  I'm not talking about venting to your best friend either.  Everybody does that.  I'm talking about how you don't know my last name, but when I asked you how you were doing, you spent 40 minutes telling me about your sick cat, your Aunt's cousin who got arrested, and the paper cut you got this morning.  My breathing slowed, my eyes glazed over, my right eye started to twitch, and still...you...kept...talking.

Not sure if you have been (or routinely ARE) one of these people?  Please, take the following survey.  Please.

1.  When you have a cold, do you spend more time lamenting over your symptoms than someone going through chemo...and/or...Do you describe your mucus to people? 

2.  If someone asks you how work is going, do you immediately start citing all of the reasons that your job is so much worse/harder/more stressful than their job?

3.  If you ask about someones children, and learn that they are sick, do you then cut that person off to begin describing the last time YOUR kids were sick and how much YOU suffered as a result of their illnesses?

4.  When someone says "How are you?" do you respond "I'm well, and you?" OR do you begin listing each body part that has a pain, infection, scratch, and/or in-grown hair until they finally slink away quietly while you're glancing at an incoming text?

5.  Have you ever complained about how broke you are....in the same breath that you mentioned your kids' expensive private school, your husband's new luxury SUV, and/or the ski vacation you're planning for your "winter holiday?"

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, don't be surprised if you start noticing that people only wave and nod while greeting you from a distance...or that they are really into their cell phone, and can't make eye contact when passing by you. 

Become a reformed complainer today!  Your friends and family will thank you, and you're welcome!

♥M