GO TO SLEEP! (Please. I love you.)

When did bedtime turn into such a debacle?!  We had an established routine (of sorts) that occasionally got wonky, but lately...

Tonight has been one for the record, though.  The hubs and I have begged, pleaded, threatened, bribed, and made all kinds of absurd statements in an effort to convince those monsters (I mean, angels...) to GO TO SLEEP!

First we had to convince them to get in the bed.  No, we are not watching Frozen again.  No, you are not hungry, you just had a snack.  No, you cannot sleep in our bed.

Then I had to go into their room repeatedly for the following reasons:

1. To break up a fight over who gets to be Queen Elsa and who gets to be Princess Anna.  I'm positive that Daire doesn't even know the difference, and she was just antagonizing her older sister.

2. To comfort Jace from a nightmare that I know she was completely fabricating as she had NOT fallen asleep yet. (And still hasn't.)

3.  To confiscate a Lalaloopsy doll from Daire in order to stop Jace from screaming,  "SISSY HAS A TOY SISSY HAS A TOY SISSY HAS A TOY."

4. To turn the night light back on because they turned it off.

5. To AGAIN explain why they could not sleep in our bed.  The hubs tried to get creative here, and told them that they had to pick between sleeping outside with our two cats in their cat house, or indoors in their comfy-cozy bed.  This backfired horribly as they promptly chose the cat house.  He walked them to the front door and opened it....then they cried and had to be convinced that Daddy was NOT, in fact, really making them sleep outside, in the dark, with the cats.  THAT will fun to explain when they tell their version of that story at the babysitter's tomorrow.

Then there were the things that they got of the bed and came into the living room for:

1. Daire walked into the living room, selected a puzzle from the bookcase, and sat down in the floor to play.  "What, this isn't cool with y'all?!"

2. Jace got out of bed THREE times...to tattle on Daire for getting out of the bed.  Hmmm.

3. They both got out of bed to come and request an additional viewing of Frozen - AGAIN - and AGAIN the hubs tried to get creative.  "Look - if you just get in the bed and stay there, I will give you a gummy bear." A desperate plea made by a desperate man.  "Where are you getting gummy bears?!" I asked, alarmed by this promise.  "WE DON'T HAVE GUMMY BEARS?!" His eyes turned mad and I feared for his sanity.  "No, I used those to bribe them in church yesterday!"  We are both panicking at this point.  He pulled it together, though, and didn't let the pressure break him.  "Wait! I think there are M&M's somewhere!  There have to be! Here they are! Who wants an M&M?!"

The next time they got out of bed, I started talking spankings and counting to 3.  I saw flashing pajamas and heard the door slam as they scurried back to their room.  I know they are still awake because I can hear them in there giggling...no doubt plotting their next move.

Hopefully they fall asleep plotting, because I need to recharge before they show up in my room at 3am.  This is their most diabolical move, because they know that at that hour we are too tired to discuss spankings or M&M's.  The hubs grabs his pillows and excuses himself to sleep in the twin bed that his feet hang over the end of, and I fall asleep either hanging onto the edge of our bed for dear life, or with both kids on top of me, like a little pile of puppies.

Oh well....I suppose that these are the things people say they miss when their kids get older.

If it's not, then please don't tell me because that's what I'm telling myself.

♥M

Sucker for Stalling

I wish I could claim to be a lot tougher about bedtime shenanigans.  I'm just such a sucker for every stall...despite knowing them ALL for what they are, I fall for them. Every one of them.

It's the empathy side of my personality.  I can't cut it off.  Not even when I know that I'm being had.  I am notoriously gullible when it comes to practical jokes and hoaxes.  I am the kind of person that would end up on the news for being scammed out of their life savings.

These are the top scams I fall for at bedtime:

 

"I'm hungry." 

What kind of parent sends their child to bed hungry?!  This is a guaranteed way to add an extra 15 minutes to the bedtime routine.  If my kids make this plea, I immediately conjure images of the Haitian children from my mission trips - wide eyes and hungry faces - and I make haste to the fridge to scour for bedtime snacks...even though we just ate dinner an hour ago.

 

"I'm thirsty."

Have you ever been thirsty?!  It's awful!  How can one sleep when one is parched?!  This is a ruse that gets me multiple times a night - including midnight wake-up calls and wee-hours of the morning distress signals.  I get it, man.  I wake up thirsty too.  Thus, I fall for it every time.

 

"My lips are chapped."

We all know this sucks. You cannot sleep if your lips hurt real bad.

 

 

 

"My sister ____________."

This blank can be filled in with SO many things.  "...bit me."  "...kicked me."  "...pulled my hair."  "...stole my pillow."  "...is hogging the covers."  "...touched my stuffed animal."  "...looked at me."  The list is endless.  My patience, unfortunately is not.  After 5-6 of these type of complaints, I tend to lose my cool and say things like, "If anyone screams again, I will give you something to scream about!"  I feel like that is an excusable reaction on my part.
 

 

"I'm hot."

Well, who can fall asleep when they are hot?!  I fall prey to wardrobe changes, exchanges in bed covers, and sips of cold water when these dramatics come to surface.  Again I say, I AM A SUCKER.

 

 

"I'm itchy."

Ok, so itchiness is a serious dilemma.  If you have an itch, it is mind-obsessively overwhelming.  Plus, they both have eczema, so I am easily convinced that a rub-down with oatmeal-based lotion is immediately necessary....kind of...probably...probably not.

 

 



"I lost my stuffed animal/favorite blanket/specific pillow/random object that I just decided I needed tonight to go to sleep."

Neither of you have a favorite and/or necessary bedtime item since kicking the "binky habit."  Whatever you are looking for - it's under the covers.  Go to sleep.

 

 

 



"I need a tissue."

Prove it.  Right now.  Give me a test-snort, and if I witness signs of snot, then you have proven you need a tissue and may get up.  Oh my God, there's snot everywhere.  That's disgusting, go get a tissue.  I don't guess it would do me any good to point out that YOU CRIED when I tried to get you to blow your nose an hour ago.

 

 

 

"I have to go to the bathroom."

Well, what are you supposed to say to that?  "Pee in your bed."  NO.  Valid pass to get out bed, granted.  Even if I am convinced that you held it until now.

 

 

"One more kiss/hug."

This is an advanced mind-ninja move, if I've ever experienced one.  I'm pretty sure that the proper response cannot possibly be: "No, I'm a monster and I will not kiss or hug you anymore tonight!" Therefore, I go in there and pass out kisses and hugs like the SUCKER that I am.  Ugh.

 

This is why "bedtime" at our house remains between 7:30pm and 8:00pm.  If we START at that hour then there may be actual sleep happening by 9:00pm.  At least until 3:00am, when they both just come get in my bed, and kick the hubs in the face until he gives up and heads to the couch. 

♥M