Awkward Anonymous

They have a support group for everything these days. I'm not knocking that, I'm just disappointed that a certain group seems to have been overlooked - awkward people.  I say that as a potential member.

"Hi, my name is M and I'm an awkward person." What a sense of relief that would bring - to announce it straightaway upon meeting a new group of people!  It would save me all of the trouble of demonstrating it.

I'm not selectively awkward, either. I display my social disabilities without discrimination of time or place.

Weddings:
I've been the matron of honor three times in the past few years...and I can only imagine that's because none of them had been to the previous weddings and didn't know any better than to ask me.  I ruin photos (not a single photogenic muscle in my face).  I suck at paying attention during rehearsal.  And the part that should exclude me from consideration for the role altogether: you give a speech...with a microphone. These people knew me...well...and gave me a microphone anyway.  You take it to that level, and I can only be but so responsible for what happens from there.

Funerals:
I am not just awkward at funerals - I'm inappropriate.  Death and seriousness and crying....it makes me act out. I can't handle the intensity of sadness and so I make jokes.  I cope by talking about anything other than what's right in front of us.  It's not all my fault - I have this superpower where I literally absorb and feel other people's emotions (empathy times infinity), so funerals send me into a manic mode of distraction. Most awkward thing that I've ever done at a funeral: I asked the person next to me if they had any tissues (the eulogy did me in)....

"No, sorry, I don't have any."
"Crap. I'm crying like a baby here. Would it be weird if I just used a Kotex? I have some of those in my purse..."

And the woman laughed. During the eulogy.  I just made someone laugh during a eulogy. Oh my God, why am I allowed out of my house?!

Compliments:
These are always guaranteed to bring the awkward right out, front and center.  Tell me I look pretty and I'll point out the zit on my chin. Tell me my hair is nice and I'll tell you about my split ends.  Admire my outfit and I'll deflect by telling you I got it on clearance and there's a pick in the sleeve.  Compliment my work, parenting skills, creativity, loyalty....ANYTHING...and I will immediately correct you with a recent example of a screw-up.

I'm pretty sure the proper response is "Thank you" in all of those situations.   I've tried it out for size, but it just sounds so..."I know I am, duh." that it won't quite roll of my tongue. Or if it does, the deflection is on it's heels.

I did come up with ONE coping mechanism.  Complete and utter feigned arrogance. This will deflect the compliments themselves,  thus solving the awkward problem.  New problem - now you're a jerk.

And I say again...we need a support group.  Awkward people of the world, unite!

♥M