Notice that I didn't say "How to NOT fight." Getting into arguments with your spouse is inevitable. When you get married, you become permanent roommates...for better or for worse. There is no way around sharing your space, your calendar, your possessions, the chores, the raising of children, and the spending of money without a fight breaking out here and there. What makes the difference is whether you choose healthy ways to handle it when you disagree...or not so healthy ways. Here are some guidelines that I try to follow....key word is TRY.
1. Sharing is caring. We learned in Kindergarten that we have to share our stuff, yes, but what you're thinking and feeling is also pretty important. You cannot expect your spouse to read your mind...then be mad because he or she didn't. What is obvious to you, is definitely NOT always so obvious to others. The shelf that you asked your husband to hang 6 weeks ago probably glares at you from it's dusty corner daily....and he probably hasn't noticed it in 5 weeks and 6 days. So will he be a little surprised when you snap and throw a pot of spaghetti at him for asking if you remembered to buy stamps today? Yeah, he probably will.
2. It's not always what you say, but HOW you say it. You know you know this. We all know this. Why is it just so HARD to remember it?! I have found that clamping my mouth shut and counting to at least 5 really helps. And not just with my husband, but with my kids and my students as well. That way, when I answer the SAME question for the 657th time in one day...it comes out sounding a lot more like the ever-patient Robin from Winnie the Pooh, and a lot less like I need an exorcism.
3. The past is the past...leave it there! This is another hard one. Really though, how MANY times can you fight about the same thing? And how MANY times can you turn a new fight into one that is actually now about an old one? The answer is MANY times. There is no trick here other than to just stop it. Stop in the middle of your sentence if you have to. Cold. Turkey. Quit.
4. Do not involve third parties. Unless you need someone to make sure that you don't start beating the crap out of each other, please just keep it to yourselves. Dragging someone else in for "backup" or to try and prove a point is not only immature, it's embarrassing for that person. Unless the two of you are sitting in front of a licensed therapist, then no one else should be present and eating popcorn while y'all hash out your issues.
5. Do not fight in public or in front of the kids. There are a couple of reasons for this. For one thing, you are embarrassing yourself AND your family if you turn every argument into a live version of Jerry Springer. For another thing, even if you ARE in the privacy of your home, but your kids can hear you...you might as well be duking it out in public. Besides the fact that you're definitely causing them major stress (NOT fair to them), they are going to repeat what they have heard and it WILL be a much more alarming version when they tell it.
6. No name calling! C'mon, what are we, 5?! (This covers telling your wife she is just like her mom, as well. Don't do that. There is no coming back from that.)
7. Don't interrupt. When someone is angry, interrupting them is a guaranteed way to make them angrier. Just let them get it out, and when they are done they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say. Talking over top of someone is talking AT them, not talking TO them. Plus, it's just rude.
8. Don't use each other as punching bags. While you shouldn't actually punch each other either, what I mean is this: don't take stuff out on the hubs or wifey that they have nothing to do with. The temptation here is to unload on your spouse because you know that they will forgive you later. Just because you couldn't punch your boss in the face for being a jerk today, doesn't mean you should come home and pick a fight with your wife about how much she spends on her hair, or with the hubs about how many days in a row he left his dirty clothes in the bathroom floor.
9. Do not use "always" or "never"....ever. This will bite you in the tail every time. Sure as you say "You always...." or "You never..." they will throw an example to the contrary right in your face. Now your point has been lost and you are just a big exaggerator.
10. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Saying things that you don't mean in the heat of an argument can cause real, and irreparable damage. My favorite example is this: Throw some eggs in the floor. Tell them you're sorry. Are they still broken?
The main point in all of this is that it's not ever about who is right or who is wrong. (I know - what?!) It's about how you both feel when you walk away from the fight. Do you feel better? Or do you feel worse? Do you feel like you listened and got listened to? Was the focus on whose "fault" it all is or on how to fix it? Did you "win" only by hurting your spouse and sending the message that their feelings don't really matter?
If you really love someone, then it shouldn't matter who "wins" or "loses" because you're supposed to be on the same team...right?
♥M
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